theatokos | (no subject)

Some one is coming to look at my bicycle today. We could use the money, but I'm sad to let it go. Adam promises me I'll get another one.

I realize that when I'm anxious and stressed I tend to shut down. I'm in full on avoidance mode. Have been for weeks. There are boxes to be sorted and packed. They should have been shipped (where?) months ago. Oh well. Instead of chores and packing and studying, I'm aimless, unfocused, and spending most of my time reading mindless (but enjoyable) novels. When I'm Depressed (big D, as opposed to little d) I am incredibly productive. It's odd to be such a high functioning Depressive. When I've shut down like that, when I have no room for fun or emotions, I'm so focused on work and day to day living. Sadly, I think my best work has been when I've been Depressed. I've certainly been fit and my thinnest then.

I wish I could focus like that in times of anxiety, because right now action is needed. But my energy is all over the place. My mind races. I wish I could channel the Depressive focus more effectively.

Ok. Off to fold the laundry. From yesterday.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I think you are Depressed now (but but but worry not, as I will explain momentarily). I recognize that there are times when you're Depressed and are awesomely high-functioning. We all have those times. But what you're describing has many of the characteristics that are classic - quintessential - of a depressive episode. (sleep disruption, avoidance, procrastination, exhaustion, anxiety, frayed energy, etc.). So my gentle suggestion is that you give your feelings their due. It's not no big deal. It's a big deal, and it's impairing your functioning. And I sort of think it's a good thing, only in the sense that you're blessed with a transition between your old life and your new life. You get the chance to grieve the Bay Area. You lived there for a long time! You had people friends and then places and things with which you were friendly (favorite cafes, the SF opera, Feast Bay, etc.) It's sad to leave those behind, even if you know it was for good cause. So grieving that? Normal, appropriate, **good**. Fun? Not so much.

AND the incredibly fortunate thing, for you, is that you're on a timeline. The visas will come back at some point. The passports will come back. You will fly out of Santee at some point, to start a Whole New Life in Whole Nother place. It may be Wales, it may be Olympia, but change - and relocation - is coming. the charge you'll get out of starting a new life in either place will give you a huge adrenaline rush that will power you through, and make you (almost) forget, these hard times. Whatever underlying "issues" cause the response you're experiencing right now may bear addressing. But that's a matter for another day.

For today, I would take a deep, deep breath (no, more like 20 of them. Yoga studio nearby?), wipe off your glasses, and recognize that you're going through a very tough time, the kind of time that could be classified as a depressive episode, but that It Is Finite. It will end soon. And then - oh man, then you're not going to have a second to think about the East Bay. You'll be finding child care, finguring out where to wash diapers, moving stuff, finding a place to stay, finding employment, figuring out internet service and cell phone coverage, and etc. etc. etc. You function incredibly well in those high-pressure environments, better than just about anyone I know. You just have a few weeks now to .... breathe.

I love you.
MM

And your bike! Your fabulous bike! You get to grieve that, too.

I love you so much. If Adam falls down a mine shaft (or something) I'm moving to Anchorage and buying the house next door.

Yeah, I'm exhausted, but I feel like such a giant wuss. My life isn't hard. But it is. But it's not. Bah. And I'm cluttering up some one else's house with my mess and lack of desire to do anything about it.

The bike didn't get sold today.

whether your "life" is hard? that sounds like "should" talking again - you "should not" be upset because your life is "not hard." screw should!

I think you have objective proof that today, this week, Is Hard. There's no subjectivity in that. There's no baseline and no greater than/less than equation. So you're not dying of cholera in Uruguay or being raped in the Congo. Congratulations! That doesn't mean today isn't Hard. We know it is. So why play the comparison game? Why not just let yourself acknowledge that it's a tough time? I think you can do that. Preferably over wine, church, or yoga.

Yay for the bike not getting sold!

I just can't get it through my head that -barring truly unfortunate circumstances- any of my life is hard. You know, B in the NICU? That was hard. Living in chaos because I'm uncertain, tired and lazy? That's my own damn bed and I'm lying in it. Ya know?

You're getting confused in your (takes one to know one so sorry this is harsh) incredible quest to not love yourself as you should. You are judging yourself harshly for your reaction to objectively hard circumstances, totally disregarding the circumstances themselves!

* You just moved.
* B just had a pretty bad accident, necessitating a trip to the ER.
* Adam and you are struggling to figure out what comes next, and you're squabbling a bit.
* You're on week four of living with your inlaws who are wonderful, but...
* You have NO IDEA what comes next, and you're the kind of person who likes to keep a well-maintained schedule and know EXACTLY what's coming next.
* You don't have a car
* You are staying in a gloriously free house that is sadly located in Santee, CA, which Bennett B. the Elder told me today will kill your soul.

These things are hard! Period! and you're beating yourself up for the unworthiness of your reaction to them?

Darling, as I often remind you, watch out - that's my friend you're trashing, there.

xxxxxx s and ooooooo s until the cows come home.

View Larger Map (http://maps.google.com/maps?daddr=9939+Maine+Ave,+Lakeside,+CA+92040+(Body+Awareness+Yoga+Center)&geocode=%3BFU9m9QEd6usH-SHDyjqLhBfHng&dirflg=&saddr=10142+Cedar+Springs+Dr,+Santee,+CA+92071&f=d&hl=en&gl=us&dq=yoga+loc:+10142+Cedar+Springs+Dr,+Santee,+CA+92071&sll=32.857456,-117.006226&sspn=0.225547,0.282973&cid=11441139236397042371&ie=UTF8&ll=32.8598,-116.948905&spn=0.01106,0.05425&t=h&source=embed)

(no subject)

Honey?

p.s.

no subject

who said you have to judge

Shoulding all over myself

I reject that!

Re: who said you have to judge