![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I fight against bitterness, but I don't always win
"You're not pursuing your passions." He said.
He's right. I live no where near earth and trees and nature, although I remind myself every few weeks that She exists below the concrete and that weeds are nature too. He's right. I am not in a PhD program, but he doesn't hear the thoughts I have in free moments, blips of theology in the middle of spread sheets, quiet moments, bus rides, empty windows. I have a love/hate relationship with music and my voice. I don't read as much as I'd like - I'm still figuring out how to order my days now that I'm back in the world of full time work.
I have struggled to meet every obstacle this year, and I have succeeded. I wrote my master's thesis, graduated with my MA, dealt with housing and employment, planned a wedding. I coordinate an artist's group for which I have plans and visions, but I find that every time space arrives in my life to focus on it, or something outside of sheer emotional survival, something else comes up. Like these days.
He's also wrong. I was pursuing my passion. Relationship, possibility of futures, the application of a theology of relationship. How can I do that when he has called off the wedding? Where do we go from here? And more importantly, how do I not repeat past mistakes? How do I love fiercely, but not become subsumed? How do I maintain boundaries without becoming hard? How do I keep the bitterness and giant hairy snaggle-toothed What-Ifs from eating me alive?
He's right. I live no where near earth and trees and nature, although I remind myself every few weeks that She exists below the concrete and that weeds are nature too. He's right. I am not in a PhD program, but he doesn't hear the thoughts I have in free moments, blips of theology in the middle of spread sheets, quiet moments, bus rides, empty windows. I have a love/hate relationship with music and my voice. I don't read as much as I'd like - I'm still figuring out how to order my days now that I'm back in the world of full time work.
I have struggled to meet every obstacle this year, and I have succeeded. I wrote my master's thesis, graduated with my MA, dealt with housing and employment, planned a wedding. I coordinate an artist's group for which I have plans and visions, but I find that every time space arrives in my life to focus on it, or something outside of sheer emotional survival, something else comes up. Like these days.
He's also wrong. I was pursuing my passion. Relationship, possibility of futures, the application of a theology of relationship. How can I do that when he has called off the wedding? Where do we go from here? And more importantly, how do I not repeat past mistakes? How do I love fiercely, but not become subsumed? How do I maintain boundaries without becoming hard? How do I keep the bitterness and giant hairy snaggle-toothed What-Ifs from eating me alive?