Priorities

[theatokos]

Pregnancy is helping make clear my priorities. I am forced to slow down, to admit that I can't do everything, to accept my limitations (I have those?). This is sometimes a beautiful thing to behold, but most of the time it's just really painful. I knew I couldn't be a mom, a professional and a student. And I can't be. I can't even be pregnant, a professional and a student. Not to mention the other things that I do, things that are meaningful and important to me. I am moving at a much, much slower pace, but the world around me is not slowing down with me.

Dammit.

I had a freak out last night - I'll just leave it that. Mostly it was me feeling overwhelmed at all that was on my plate, facing the reality that I can't do it all and throwing a bit of a tantrum about that, as well as heaping a load of guilt and blame on myself - because I'm the one who signed up for school, I'm the one in charge of my schedule, I'm the one who decided to try to get pregnant. (In my defense, I thought it would take much longer to get pregnant.) I am avoiding the conversation with my adviser wherein I ask to be moved down to part time status. Where I 'fess up to doing fuckall in the work department. I'm avoiding dealing with a particular co-worker, one who just doesn't get it and it's my role to ensure communication and boundaries in the office. I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with this woman's defenses and bullshit. I don't deal with my anger and fears well when they come up.

But, like the weak and streaky sun breaking through after a storm, I am recovering a bit this morning after last night's blow out. This momentary clarity reveals to me several things:

*I don't want to work any longer than I have to. I derive a lot of satisfaction from my professional life, the connections I've gained in the Jewish community, and the work my nonprofit does. However, my personal work is far more important to me. I want to do my work and raise my kid. That's a couple full time jobs right there.

*Me not working puts an ENORMOUS financial strain on my household. I'm not convinced that we can live in the Bay Area on Adam's salary alone - even with the raise he got this week. But I know that many people do far more on less and if we make a plan (go planning!), a budget (weep, sob), and milk the student loans (the abyss deepens) it is possible.

*I do not want to give up my studies. I will do this work, whether or not I get the three little letters to attach to my name or if it takes me 4 years or 8 or 12 or 20.

So what do I want? In no particular order I want to raise my kid, get my PhD, get certified as a yoga instructor, sing with a professional group, and continue my spiritual practices. These are the things that I look forward to in my day. These are the things that when I think about the future I envision. These are the things that when making decisions, like moving and schedules and whatnot, I make sure to take into account. (I also want to be able to spend more time in Alaska and be able to visit my friends who are far away, but that's part of a whole 'nother discussion.)

So I put this out into the world: by this time next year I don't want to be working outside the home.

By witch eye, so mote it be, make it so, amen. And all that.

Comments

[erinya.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking of looking into yoga certification too. Someday. Not that I may ever have time to do it. But I think of it as my fallback career path should I fail at law.

I think you have a lot of clarity when thinking about your goals and needs, and this will allow you to achieve them. Go you. Sending my best vibes for plans that work and less reason for freak-outs.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your support. Yeah, I AM clear about what I want. What I'm not good at is being fierce enough to guard my time and my focus. I let a lot of wishy-washiness in, LJ certainly doesn't help!! But that ambivalence is just fear - fear of failure, fear of the hard work.

I think being a yoga teacher would be an excellent supplement to whatever income I do bring in. I DO plan to use my theological knowledge - I'm just not clear what form that will take. I've spoken with several yoga teachers and unless you're a Big Name in the yoga world it's really hard to make a full-time income in yoga. There's just only so much you can physically do in one day. Still, skills are good.

[msmidge.livejournal.com]

You know, at least w/yoga certification you won't have to fall into despair at having no marketable skills. I am falling into that despair even though it's not really true that I have no marketable skills...but it seems like my marketable skills are marketable for jobs I don't want.

It does take more time to wade through the brain fog of pregnancy (and motherhood too, sadly) but it is also easier to find clarity about what ultimately matters to you when you have a baby who is totally dependent on you and whom you love like nothing else before, ever in your life.

[ginger-root.livejournal.com]

I love this. I love that you're making clear goals and really putting them out there. You are so totally brave. :)

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

And that bravery woke me up in the wee hours with a sense of panic: Holy shit we're having a baby. We can't even afford a car. How the hell are we going to afford a baby? Or a second kid? Or a real, honest-to-god two bedroom apt? Or even afford to move in 5 years time? ACK!!

Bravery, stupidity.... they often feel the same.