A Fresh Start

What an amazing place. What beauty, and bounty. I never eat so fresh as when I am in Alaska during the summer time.

Flying into Juneau was a different experience for me. I usually get a window seat and stare outside the entire flight. This time I was corralling a toddler (he flies really well, but he's still a squirmy toddler). As we entered familiar airspace and I saw the rivers, islands and fjords I'm acquainted with come into view I expected certain feelings to come up. But this time I felt more disconnected - or, I didn't feel that tug of loss I normally do. As we flew over Juneau proper I realized, for the first time ever, just how rural my home town is. It's TINY. It's..... out in the boonies. Which of course is a great big part of its charm. But still. Growing up I felt I was in the big city (comparatively).

I spent 10 days on Shelter Island with my parents, nieces, and sister. Bennett wasn't so sure about every one for the first few days, but he warmed right up eventually. He never really bonded with my mother, which I find interesting. I think she has issues with males, so I'm not surprised. It was wonderful to be able to let B play and play and play. Outside, inside, with his cousins, on the beach. He loved it. He loved the water, the rocks, everything. He ate enormous amounts of vegetables and fish. So did I. Fresh fish from the ocean and veggies from the garden. Amazing.

My time was spend walking around, frolicking with the kids, eating well and reading. In the first 6 days I read 4 books and an Economist. Every evening there was time spent hanging out on the deck watching the whales bubble feed or breech or just swim around.

Right before I left for town my dad and sister caught a 90 lb halibut.

Town was great too. Exhausting, brief, but great. The Future Gov of Alaska, who from here on out will be renamed MM, as per her request, came down from Anchorage for the weekend and we stayed at her parents' house. That was wonderful. Spending time with her with no agenda, watching our kids play together, was good for my soul. On Saturday night we cooked up a feast: halibut (from my dad) with herbs from MM's parents' garden, dungeoness crab from my dad's crab pot with cocktail sauce, steamed kale, sugar tomatoes, figs grilled with humboldt fog cheese and garlic chips, pinot gris. Seriously, this is the sort of meal I am used to eating with friends in Juneau.

I didn't get to see as many people as I would have liked. Carrying B around town was brutal. We didn't have a car and the town is all hills and mountain sides. After walking up 6 blocks of hills (maybe more?) and 400 stairs we made it back to the house and that killed us for any more wandering around.

Juneau is still beautiful and still filled with amazing, generous, passionate, creative people. The tourist part of the town sucks. Let me rephrase that. It SUCKS. It's getting worse. There are EVEN MORE jewelry stores than there were two years ago. How this is possible, I can't figure out. Literally, there are several blocks where it is nothing but jewelry stores. What idiots go to Alaska and buy fancy diamond jewelry at places called Caribbean Jewels? Oh, your parents, you say? I'm sure they are nice people, but fuck them. Fuck those cruise ships. Juneau is going to tourist hell in a cruise ship hand bag. If you go to on an Alaska cruise on one of those mega ships, please don't ever tell me.

****
Books read:
Dead Until Dark, Living Dead in Dallas, Club Dead - Charlaine Harris
Midnight Never Come - Marie Brennan

*Thurs, July 16, 4pm: Give Away, Go Away party. Come for the free stuff, stay for the deep fried turkey! Snuggle the baby one last time and say goodbye to us. Private message me if you want to come and need directions.

*Sat, July 18, Bennett and I catch a flight to San Diego. Adam and his father drive the Uhaul with the cats down to SD.

*July 20: snowcalla is in San Diego and I might to get see her that week?

*Thurs, July 23: I go to ComiCon with Adam.

*Tues July 28: Bennett and I head to Juneau. We'll be incommunicado out on Shelter Island. Sis arrives Aug. 2.

*Fri, Aug 7: Go to Juneau proper, the Future Governor of Alaska and her babe join us.

*Tues, Aug 11: Back to San Diego.

Five years ago last week I moved to the Bay Area. I came to Berkeley to start graduate school. My intent was to finish with a masters degree and move back to Juneau. Lots and lots of things changed that first year in grad school.

My life is unbelievably enriched for living here.

But I still wake up every morning and want to move back to Juneau.

I'm struggling a little. I went for a walk with B in a wrap and it didn't lift my spirits liked I'd hoped. Of course, I was over dressed for the temperature + baby + wrap. I'm just T.I.R.E.D. And I am always, with out fail, homesick over the 3rd and 4th of July. As much as it is a drunken crazy fest in Juneau, it's still like the most major holiday, with reunions and all kinds of wonderful hometown events. I miss it. I've also been worried about B's (lack of) weight gain, even though he seems to be thriving. I'm just adjusting in general still, but ..... some days are easier than others.

So, gratitude. Sometimes when I'm a little down it's actually easier to see what I'm grateful for. I'm not too happy to forget to notice, nor so bummed out that I'm wallowing in woe-is-me.

I am grateful for:
*hot cocoa
*abundant clean water
*a partner who loves being a father, wearing his son in a sling and gives me encouragement, even thanking me for breast feeding
*my son - who is healthy, though tiny, and seems to be developing right on schedule
*my upcoming midwife appointment
*breast feeding support expected_chaos
*my own health
*the ability to sustain life
*the experience and diversity of the mamas I've come to know on LJ

Spring is on in full force here in the Bay Area. I barely seem to leave my couch these days. Sadly, walking is starting to make me ache in areas seemingly unrelated to my legs. I'm just so damn tired all the damn time. I really really want to indulge myself in the energy that I feel when I wake up to birds chirping and fresh, bright sunshine in the morning. I think I'm starting to get a (very small) surge of new energy thanks to spring. I have an itch to read the books piled up on the coffee table, to get out of the house, to finish some house hold projects. Still not feeling quite as motivated to sing or study, but I know that will come. (I actually dreamed last night of performing in an opera - which was really more like a musical - one I hadn't rehearsed for. But my improv worked and I sounded great. A decided subconscious shift from trying to sing only to find enormous wads of gum clogging up my mouth.)

I think part of me might also be entering the Nesting Phase of pregnancy. Some women seem to get this from the start. I'm not surprised it's taken me 2/3 of my pregnancy to get here. All of a sudden I realize that I have 11 weeks left - 11 weeks to prepare. Now's the time to read all the books I want to read, finish moving into our apartment (hang the stinkin' art!), wash the floors, get those side tables we've talked about, purchase the baby needs, etc. Now should also be the time to get cracking on the dissertation outline. But I've just given up for the time being. I'll do it. But I know if I hound myself I'll have an anxiety fueled crying jag. Ah, hormones.

The arrival of spring and the looking ahead to July also makes me a bit sad. Summer is coming and I won't be making my yearly pilgrimage back to SE Alaska. This year, around the 3rd and 4th of July I will not only be wondering if the Pea is immanent, but I'll also be sad that I'm not in Juneau. No long 18 hour days, no hikes in the rain forest, no whale watching off mum and dad's deck, no fishing, no foraging beach lettuce, no communing with the mountains or the sea, no seeing the friends I see for maybe one or two days a year. I'm sure once the babe is here I won't be thinking of this. July will be a blur of bonding and boobs and poop and baby.

Have been in Alaska for 4 days now. It is amazing and lush and beautiful and I am in love. The home of my heart. I miss this place so much. Even the grubby, shake your head, heard it all before, why did they ever build that, tedious bits of it. It's also a challenge to stay with the parents. In addition to the fact that I can only go to town when my dad decides to go (and then we have to be on his schedule to catch a returning ride), he's just... so... difficult. I feel physically and spiritually alive and fed, but emotionally exhausted and protective. Adam is struggling, but I'm focusing on how glorious the land is and how quiet it is and how I've seen killer whales, humpback whales, bald eagles, a seal, and sealions. But we have not caught any fish. My freezer will be empty for the winter. So sad, but there is no time to try again or get worried about it. Wedding Stuff begins tomorrow.

In good news, my dad is teaching me to use the boat. Finally.

I also wish I had a camera. And more than two weeks of vacation a year.

Last weekend I attended the western regional conference for the American Academy of Religion here in Berkeley. It was great: collegial, interesting, heavy on the women and religion end of things, and I totally got my geek on. It made coming back to work this week painful. My job has become especially dull and uninteresting to me and I'm having a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings. It's sapping the energy from my days. But there it is.

However, my blog reading has been getting a boost these days. My favorite weekly is The Stranger out of Seattle. I adore David Schmader's weekly recap of random news events. This week the first two events pop right out: yet another replay of the JDHS "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" Supreme Court case and a tale of why sisters need to have each other's backs. Two bartenders in San Francisco saved a girl from getting drugged on her date, eventually leading to the guy's conviction. Three cheers for ladies that watch out for one another! (And for the guys that would do the same.)

Lastly, thanks to hrafntinna, I am now obsessed with the Eurovision song contest. You can check out all the entries here. I haven't seen all of them yet, but my top three faves are Germany (jazzy! If only any of the guys in American Idol were as good as this guy.), Bulgaria (goth pop done right, plus Bulgarian folk singing technique and interesting rhythms!) and Israel (using klezmer to convince us not to blow them up). Most that I've seen so far are awful. The lead singer from Sweden thinks he's Hedwig, but he's missing an angry inch or more. But, seriously, for a good way to pass the time at work, Eurovision is where it's at.

A couple of years ago a guy from my home town high school held up a sign reading "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" as the Olympic torch ran through town. This was during a school day, but clearly not at the high school. Still this guy was suspended. The principal, a woman I have worked with and who is, in my opinion, annoying becuase she's so freaking concerned with what others think is right, suspended the boy. Now, the case is at the US Supreme Court and in the school district's corner is none other than Kenneth Starr. He's taken the case pro bono. I think the boy was stupid in his youth, but to be suspended? Puh-leeze. And now it's at the Supreme Court as a freedom of speech case? Oh my.

The Juneau Empire requires a pass word, so I've cut and pasted the article here for you:

( Starr )

The Retro Redhead loaned me her digital camera for my trip to Alaska. Such generosity! I had plans to take fabulous photos. Thanks to my current mac problems I couldn't get them all off of the camera and then some didn't seem to make it to host site and then I had to delete a bunch of them. I think I don't have much memory on my ibook and the pictures were the source of my itunes issues. Technology gives me such a headache.

So, let's see if this will work:

Fish Head

Update: Well no wonder I had no memory left! These pictures are HUMONGOUS! No way am I posting a picture of my face.

Once again, this must be quick. Finally, finally the sun is out. No rain. My god, there are moutnains behind those clouds! It's been grey but the sky is now blue. Dad and I caught 5 small halibut yesterday. Dall's porpoise came and danced under and around our boat. Saw a bunch of seals up on rocks at low tide. Saw a breaching hump back. A baby whale nestled in our tiny cove. Yup, whales whales whales. Brag, brag, brag.

Here's dad. Off to get the sister and the youngest neice from the airport.

It is spectacular here. I'm hoping to make dried kelp tomorrow. It's been a SlowFood extravaganza around here.

If only I didn't feel emotionally and spritually remote. A little. But a little too much.