A Fresh Start

A fictional book: Fingersmith, by Sarah Waters. Here's the Amazon review:
Fingersmith is the third slice of engrossing lesbian Victoriana from Sarah Waters. Although lighter and more melodramatic in tone than its predecessor, Affinity, this hypnotic suspense novel is awash with all manner of gloomy Dickensian leitmotifs: pickpockets, orphans, grim prisons, lunatic asylums, "laughing villains," and, of course, "stolen fortunes and girls made out to be mad." Divided into three parts, the tale is narrated by two orphaned girls whose lives are inextricably linked. Waters's penchant for byzantine plotting can get a bit exhausting, but even at its densest moments--and remember, this is smoggy London circa 1862--it remains mesmerizing. A damning critique of Victorian moral and sexual hypocrisy, a gripping melodrama, and a love story to boot, this book ingeniously reworks some truly classic themes.

I loved it and could not put it down. It is my favorite of Sarah Waters books. Her first three (Affinity and Tipping the Velvet) are far superior to her more recent two, although she is such a good writer and really captures the quintessential English-ness of English literature.

A non-fiction book. I read FAR more non-fiction than fiction these days. Right now I'm reading Georg Feuerstein's Yoga: Technology of Ecstasy, as one of my home books. It is easily one of the best books about yoga I've ever read. It's not a how-to manual at all. From the Amazon blurb:

"The impulse toward transcendence is intrinsic to human life. Nowhere has this drive found a more consistent and versatile expression than in India. The civilization of India has spawned an overwhelming variety of spiritual beliefs, practices, and approaches. The goal of Yoga, the most famous and globally widespread of India's spiritual traditions, is to take us beyond ourselves to the Absolute Reality, to the utterly blissful union of the individual self with the transcendental Divine... This book features a lucid explanation of Yoga's roots in Indian culture, outlines its relationship to other important Indian traditions, and discusses the diverse forms it has taken in Hinduism, Buddhism, and Jainism."

A fanfic: N/A

I just got back from my last session at the yoga conference thingy. John Friend, founder of the Anusara style of yoga, is AMAZING. Whatever he's got I want. He is a phenomenal teacher. Charismatic without being a cult of personality. Performing miracles, but assuring us that none of it is magic and comes with practice. It was beyond great.

Plus, getting time away from the babe makes me realize the joy of physical autonomy. Not having to worry about another living being, not having another person on my person, etc. However, I've beaten my boys home and my boobs are tingling. I want to feeeeeeeeeed.

This weekend has reinforced for me that my mental health requires time off from baby and regular yoga and meditation. That's it. There are other deeper issues of course, but for basic functioning, I need those things. And thank god those things are possible.

Today has certainly ended up much better than expected. I went to the hospital at noon. Adam had been earlier with his folks and talked to the nurses, telling them I would be in and to please leave me be. The nurses did and I fed my boy and held him for almost two hours. It was peaceful and he was looking so beautiful. I hadn't seen him for two days and at this stage in his growth, I can really tell differences already! He's gained some weight - up to 5 lbs, 1.8 oz. GO BENNETT!! He really has the most impish smile - whether he's actually responding to anything, I don't know. It did seem he made the smiling faces as I was singing to him. But he might just be practicing his facial muscles. Whatever the case, his smile is mischievous.

After that, Adam and I went to see Kung Fu Panda. It was so much better than I expected! It was delightful. The animation was equal parts annoying 3D and beautiful. The opening sequence and closing credits in particular were stunning.

And after that I went to yoga. I took it easy but I still may not be able to move in the morning. Plus, my pelvic floor is going to take a while to get back to normal. Wow.

Dinner was provided by my friend B, who made us the most amazing and delicious pasta - tomato cream sauce with red peppers and smoked salmon from Juneau. YUM.

We are now watching China Town.

It's a good day. I'm feeling better. I feel like life is actually good once again.

To celebrate spring, to celebrate the last days of my independence, I am going on a yoga retreat here over the weekend. I am SO excited. My yoga teacher is leading it, so I know I won't have to worry about anything.

I am also downright exhausted and underslept. I'm so tired of being uncomfortable and peeing all the damn time and I know it's only going to get worse before it gets better. I hung out with qibitum and her 9month old today. So cute, so snuggly. I am both excited to meet my little guy and overwhelmed with the thought/fear/realization that I may never be productive again. All of sudden a nanny sounds like a GREAT idea. I suppose this waffling is normal, especially as I start winding down the pregnancy.

I take it back! Do overs, right?? I don't need a baby. Sheesh, what was I thinking? Just kidding!

and also

Who is this little guy? What does he look like? Can't wait! So excited to have a family with Adam.


This vacillation is taxing.

I really, really miss my yoga practice. This left hip "injury" has put me out of commission. I limp around. And I can't take pain killers. I call bullshit on this.

I've been studying yoga pretty seriously for almost a year now. I've been attending an Iyengar style class and an Anusara style class. I get a great deal out of both, but in the last couple of months there's been something about the Anusara style that just seems to click with me. Iyengar feels much like the technique to Anusara's expression. Technique is important as a foundation, but I am really trying to move away from a tendency to rely on technique, which often leads me down the path to perfectionism. Anusara is based on a more Tantric, heart-opening philosophy. At first I found it to be a little hokey, but it's been growing on me. I now prefer it over my intense 2 hour Iyengar class.

Recently, my teacher gave me a copy of her Master Immersion booklet, so that I could learn more about the Anusara philosophy. While reading I kept thinking "This sounds like Feri! No wonder it's clicking!" And then I came to this excerpt, which just lays out the similarities between the Feri witchcraft stuff I've been studying with T Thorn Coyle and this style of yoga:

"You can be deeply soft and open, or deeply focused and strong. Performing fully means to play the edge or the threshold of our potential. The edge is where the alchemy or transformation takes place. It is the critical point where a quantum shift from one level to another occurs instantaneously. Performing fully in any moment expands the middle space of balanced action.... By playing the edge, the boundary line of our potential moves further out, so our capacity for our individual expression and knowing of Shiva/Shakti within us grows."

Feri is all about expanding to the edges and walking the line there. It's unsettling in a completely fascinating way. I'm not very articulate at talking about the stuff that I practice. It's much easier to discuss religious and spiritual things kept on a theoretical level. What's kind of neat about this Feri stuff is that there's very little "magic" in that casting-spells and conjuring kind of way. It's really about intention and experiencing the Divine. And yoga also seems to be all about that too.What I find really interesting in all of this is that as my yoga practice deepens and as I study Feri more, I am increasingly interested in finally getting my ass into the Orthodox Church.