A Fresh Start

I've been having a long and interesting discussion about religion with a distant cousin. I make no claims to have any of the answers, though I do spend damn near all my waking hours engaged in religious thinking in some capacity or another. What's KILLING me is his inability to reason, while all the time trying to convince me that he's too logical and I'm too emotional. Now, I am very emotional: I get passionate, yes, sir. But in my engagement with him I've been very even handed, perhaps too even. But his refusal to understand that in the world of religion X *and* Y need to be considered not incompatible Truths but simultaneous truths, has me coming off as emotional to him. It's not out of some namby-pamby love-fest that I say this. It's because after practicing and studying religions and spending time with people who believe differently than I do, to assume that only Jesus is THE God is to basically tell 4.5 billion other people to fuck off and die. It's not saying Jesus is MY God, but Jesus is THE God. I know the vast majority of Christians don't see it that way, but that's how it is.

I have spend considerable time in Jewish communities and developing friendships with both cultural and religious Jews (which doesn't make me an expert, merely informed to some degree), I have never ever had a Jew tell me that their God was THE God and boy I'd be a lot better off if I argreed. If I want to join their party, many would welcome me (many would not, since I'm not ethnically Jewish), but the Jewish people are content to worship their god and go on their merry way. They don't need to convince the rest of the world of their religious superiority. I would love to know if the Jewish world sees their God as THE God, or merely as THEIR God - that's a huge difference.

I'm really fed up with the mainstream idea that logic means there can only be one big-T Truth. I fear that modern Western schooling has ruined the brains of generations who were taught to find Right Answers - there can be only One! - rather than to develop arguments and think critically. Unless you are in the hard sciences, there is rarely One Answer. I think this is why academics are stereotyped as elitists: because it's very difficult to talk with people for whom there is only One Right Answer. If I had to talk with people like my cousin (who's a Nice Guy) regularly I think my head would explode. This is why people like Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin give America/politics/conservatives/Christianity such a bad name, because they don't reason. At all. Cuz reasoning and arguing is some Lefty Agenda out to confuse the Average Joe. Of course it confuses the Average Joe - because they went to school where there was only one right answer!! (Excuse me while I go stab out my eyes in the corner.)

I'm starting to wonder if there isn't some religious causation here. In the Protestant Christian world (which makes up the vast majority of America) there is one sacred text - the Bible. It is entirely correct. It is The Right Answer. Everything must be squared with it. There is One God. The Bible says X, so X it is. There is no tradition of critical engagement. No tradition of wrestling or questioning. No understanding that the Bible is a sacred text that grew up in certain times and places and is relevant to certain people. One billion Hindus grew up in a different time, place and culture with different sacred texts? Well, fuck them. They're Wrong. How mind-bogglingly ignorant and arrogant is it that?? Oh, says my cousin, truth is truth. Gahhhhh! Religion is not a hard science! The same rules do not apply as when we determine, say, that the earth rotates around sun.

I wonder too if perhaps (stereotypically) more Jews go into academia because of their tradition with engaging with texts. The Jewish tradition has a long and rich tradition of arguing and engaging with their sacred texts and teachers - Midrash and Talmud come immediately to mind. Perhaps there is less of a need for One Right Answer, and therefore the world of academia, where it's not about Right Answers but more about better and worse arguments, comes more naturally?*

I don't know. All I know right now is that mainstream reasoning seems to be dying a slow, disgraced death. Many people considered themselves religiously well educated if they made it through 5 years of Sunday school. It makes me want to hide under the bed and weep. Or just hole up with other people who can think, like the elitist I am.

*hraffntinna and msmidge please smack me upside the head if I'm full of shit.

It’s not that nothing is happening in my world, it’s that it is all happening up in my head. Lampeter is a quiet place. In recent ‘excitement’ a couple of jack-asses destroyed over 40 graves at the cemetery two weeks ago. They’ve been arrested, thankfully. Desecrating graves? Not a wise idea. The Urdd Eisteddfod came and went. Now it’s World Cup. The University is a mess and the theology dept is imploding; the TRS building has long felt like a ghost town, but it feels that way even more so. The town doesn’t seem to be feeling this as far as I can see.

On a personal note, I’m all up in my head and Adam is dealing with Big Things. I really want to write about some of it, but that doesn't seem right since it’s not my stuff. For me, I’m having a great back and forth about religion and spirituality with one of my cousins on Facebook. I’m petitioning the Uni for all of my fees. I’m reading some mind-blowing stuff about Temple Judaism and its influence on Christianity. Basically, if she’s right, and her arguments appear really solid (though I’m no Biblical scholar and do not have any of the languages), it throws the conventional understanding of the Bible and Christianity on its ear. My brain hurts a little, I confess.

(I just posted a really long post about Barker's writing to my theology filter. If you're not on it and want to be, just let me know.)

I’m a little dismayed at how my last post (immigration and food politics) was derailed by the topic of abortion. However, all the big issues are intertwined and I’m sure we could find a link between abortion, food politics and immigration if we tried. All the comments, as well as another thread elsewhere, and my ‘at home’ reading got me thinking again about when ‘life begins.’

Two years ago I spent two days discussing abortion with tenth grade boys in a Catholic high school in California. It was a great experience – for everyone I think. I was 5 months pregnant at the time. In my preparation for the presentation I came across many differing ideas about when life begins. I think the discourse around this needs to be changed from ‘life’ to ‘personhood’, because we are not debating life, we are debating what makes a clump of cells – indisputably alive! - a sentient human entity. If life is what the abortion debate is about then the life of dividing cells, the life of a person-shaped squidlet with spine, eyes, heart and brain clump, is given a lot of weight and other creatures with similar characteristics need to be given the same consideration. This means no animal testing of any kind – rats and monkeys are easily more advanced beings than a fetus at 12 or 20 weeks gestation. This means that eating meat is murder of advanced forms of life. There are many anti-abortion* advocates who are vegetarians, but as a whole the movement needs to address the fact that what we are debating is personhood.

Personhood is more than about whether or not something is alive. Cancer cells are ‘alive,’ mosquitos are alive, that spider you squashed is alive, that chicken is alive. We are talking about placing a priority on human sentience. Now sentience is more than intelligence because I am not suggesting in any way, shape or form that the less intelligent, the developmentally disabled, the infirm, the insane, etc are less than human. So what exactly does being human mean? I would like to see the anti-abortion advocates address this issue. Is it potential for human life? In that case, male masturbation, female menstruation, birth control methods, and any sex that is not intended to procreate are hindering the potential for human life. (Hey! That’s the Roman Catholic position! At least they are consistent.) What about miscarriages? Approximately 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage – often women just experience a heavier period, not knowing that the egg had in fact been fertilized. What do we say to those women?** ‘Potential’ is such a tricky word.

Personhood is about more than ability or potential. Whatever definition of personhood we choose says something about what we believe about humanity and its/our role in the greater picture. Many theologians who delve into this issue of personhood (theological anthropology – an area I love) talk about dignity, particularly the Catholic theologians. I think this is also a murky word. If Catholics and Evangelical and other forms of Protestants (though, again, not all) believe that life begins at conception (a belief that is enabled by modern science!) what do others believe?

Muslims (broadly, as with any large group there are bound to be many exceptions) tend to see personhood as beginning at the first sign of quickening (the first movement felt by the mother). According to David Abrams in The Spell of the Sensuous, Australian Aboriginal cultures believe that the spirit of the baby is inserted into the womb at the first quickening as well. What’s interesting is that this is usually between the 4th and 5th month of pregnancy – after the risk of miscarriage, once pregnancy has firmly taken root. This makes so much sense to me. Some Jewish traditions do not consider the baby a person until its head is outside the womb. Until that moment it has the potential (that word again!) for personhood but isn’t considered a full member of humanity until it is born.

This makes sense in a less scientific world, with less advanced medical care. So why shouldn’t we advance our standards with science? Because I don’t think our lived human experience aligns with that of science. So we can now see a baby-shaped squidlet at 8 weeks. I admit, seeing that is deeply mysterious and profound. But it is a disembodied experience: my mostly still flat belly is rubbed around with a cold instrument (or at this early stage a desexualized dildo is inserted) that produces a blurry black and white digital image. But I still can’t feel the baby. It is still experientially abstract. Our brains know, but our lived experience doesn’t. Women still miscarry – something that is considered shameful. The older I get the more I realize how many women have miscarried and how few of them speak about it. Obviously there is something shameful about this experience if we cannot speak openly about it and comfort one another.


*I have just decided to quit using the term pro-life because I think it is a misnomer. The issue isn’t life – it’s personhood. Most ‘pro-life’ advocates eat meat and are in favor of the death penalty, both of these would fall under ‘against life’ in my logic. ‘Anti-abortion’ states clearly what the group is about. Pro-choice however is more an accurate fit as it indicates that this group is in favor of… choice. I personally would never choose to abort and I feel that I share some of the reasons and emotions of the anti-abortionists, but I believe very strongly in defending this choice.

**I would be really really sad if I thought I was pregnant and miscarried. Those who are trying to have a baby are (usually) saddened no matter when the miscarriage occurs – 3 weeks or 13 weeks. But miscarriages happen for all sorts of reasons, usually ones that do in fact support life. I firmly believe that life wants to perpetuate itself so if a pregnancy miscarries there is most likely a very good natural reason for it.

Books read so far in 2010:
Kahuna Magic, by Brad Steiger - enh

The Virgin Mary, Monotheism and Sacrifice, by Cleo McNelly Kearns - Tedious intro and conclusion, but some very interesting biblical insights and comparison of Mary and Abraham

The Girl Who Played with Fire, by Steig Larsson - Not as good as the first book, too many characters, but the Salander is so fascinating I will follow her anywhere

The Mystical Theology of the Eastern Church, by Vladimir Lossky - I felt dumber having read this book. The section on energies vs essence in the hypostases of the Trinity especially, but the last sections did have some inspiring bits

The Messages of the Lady of All Nations, Ida Peerdeman - Messages of 20th Century aparitions

Last night Adam and I went on a date. We went to eat a new-ish Italian place in downtown Berkeley, a sort of local chain sit down place. I was hesitant because I tend to hate chains and "midscale" dining places, but the food was really good! Finally, a good Italian place in the East Bay that doesn't cost a fortune.

Then we went and saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Sweet, not entirely formulaic for a formulaic genre film and completely laugh out loud funny, which was just what we needed.

In some ways it was the day that should be tomorrow: tomorrow is my 33rd birthday. I don't normally celebrate my birthday and don't really care much, but this year..... it's really gonna be a drag. I'll go in for my normal day shift at the hospital, then come home and then I'm going in for a night shift - the attending physician suggested it. I still don't completely understand why, but hell - a doctor suggested I spend more time with Benn, so what am I going to say? No?

Still, hope springs eternal. I have begun breaking my own theological "rules" - I've begun praying for specific outcomes. Always a dangerous game and theologically unwise. I am not yet free from the lust of results.

February is nearly over! Its insanity trickles over into the first week of March, with continued work hoo-ha. But it's almost done.

Tomorrow and Saturday Adam and I are completely moving house - down the hall to a bigger apartment. The extra room will be nice, as will moving to the back of the building, where it's much quieter. However, I'm sad to say good bye to our current kitchen. It's bright and spacious, with built-ins and a lovely arch, which made a wonderful spot for my kitchen altar. Alas, the new kitchen is more boxy, not as light, shorter on storage and has no good spot for an altar. I have found that my kitchen altar gets more play than other altars I might create, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

Sunday is an all day work day for me and Adam. Our nonprofit puts on these Jewish biblical learning conferences several times a year around the Bay Area. They're really great, if you're into that sort of thing. Our keynote speaker for this one is Judith Plaskow, pioneering lesbian feminist theologian. Plus, having met her in the fall I can also say she is approachable and enjoyable to talk with. Adam and I get to have dinner with her on Saturday night. I'm really excited!!

Still, I look forward to unscheduled weekends.

Thank the good lord for:
*FINALLY getting all of my paperwork sorted out and completed. The only thing left to do is get a library card.
*Fast computers in the student computer lab that I can now use.
*Not being 18 anymore.
*Clear sunny skies and bright green land with fresh air and no advertisting around.
*Scones with jam and cream. REAL British scones with thick clotted cream. Not some pansy ass coolwhip "substitute" or those triangular doorstops Americans try to pass off as scones.
*A cafe that serves food made from actual vegetables. Not mushy broccoli in bland sauce, which seems to be the norm.

And, it turns out that even though I applied to the MPhil program I am accepted as a PhD student! Every postgrad is assigned to the MPhil for one year (sort of as probabtion) to weed out those not capable of actual PhD work. This changes my life plan considerably.

Lastly, it looks like my dissertation is headed in the direction of looking at Mary as Co-Redemptrix and the implications of that for the Trinity - which will encompass feminist and cosmological theologies, Mary's adaptation and cooption of pre-Christian Divine Feminine symbols, and a healthy evaluation of the impacts on and implications for the three branches of Christianity.

Hot damn. Nobody steal this for their own dissertation, now.

Off to: get library card, go check out the town's bazaar on being a post-oil community, and hopefully grab a drink with chiv. I could use a stiff drink.

Last night Adam and I watched An Inconvenient Truth. The information presented wasn't entirely new to me, but I thought the presentation of the material was engaging. Who knew Al Gore was funny? Or charming? Or so wicked smart? I was choked up, naturally, by the beautiful shots of our glorious world. Anything arctic hit me in the gut especially hard. I think about my beloved glacier in my home town dwindling down to a shadow of its former self, an anorexic behemoth. I think about parts of Alaska I've never been to withering as the permafrost melts. Bah! I can't write about this without getting upset. And I know I preach to the choir here....

Most of my weekend was spent doing theology - taking another one of those classes at the GTU that meet one weekend a month for the semester. I was a little disappointed that the first weekend was rather weak. I find it frustrating to discuss Augustine's (or anyone else's) ideas about anything if we're not given primary sources. The teacher distilled certified genius's ideas to two lines and we were supposed to say educated things about them. At the very least give us a handout with a couple of pages of original source material (in translation, please) to read during lunch or something. Plus, everyone in the class, from what I can tell, are classical theists and the teacher's bias definitely comes out, even though she is an Eastern Orthodox and I thought they were a little more accepting of panentheism, which I align myself with.

Anyway, it's great to get my juices going. I have written up my thoughts below the cut. They're not my notes for the class, but rather stuff that I was thinking while class was going on. This is rough and posted mostly to get it out of my actual notebook. No editing or further thought has occurred. If theology doesn't interest you or makes your belly queasy (I know who you are) then stay away. Otherwise, ( dive )

Having gone through these thoughts they seem so elementary and redundant. They are the same questions and thoughts that people have had since the beginning of religion. Still it's nice to get thinking again.

This spring I audited a theology class at the GTU called Gender in Greek Patristic Thought. Something like that. It ended last weekend. Basically, we looked at what major Eastern theologians in the early centuries of Christianity had to say about gender. We ignored Augustine, thank god, because he's part of the Western church tradition. This course consistently challenged me and got me all worked up theologically. Just when I feel like throwing in the towel on Christianity, I read some theology and discuss with thoughtful people and I come to realize that there's much to cling to in the Christian faith. I am especially indebted to the teacher of this course, a feminist Greek Orthodox woman, and the brilliant and thoughtful Byzantine Rite monk fellow student.

( Here are some of my thoughts after the last class. )