A Fresh Start

I am loving our new-ish schedule around here. B's morning nap has moved back a little and is now about 45-60 minutes, then he naps for about an hour at 4 or 5. We are all up until 10 and sleep until 8. Yay!

Bennett didn't wake to nurse until about 5 am last night. Yes!

Bennett is a freakin' delight. Still whining, but it's kind of nice seeing him develop his own person.

My old job at the Jewish nonprofit just reminded me that I had 60 hours of unused vacation time - and they are going to cash it out for me now. They are also going to continue to cover me, Adam and Bennett on the health insurance until we get set up in Wales. !!!!! This is so unheard of. We are so blessed. So incredibly done-well-by.

It is my sister's birthday today. She is 32. For some reason it always takes me by surprise when she ages.

Tomorrow I am getting a few hours B-free to read and go shirt shopping. Then, Adam and I have a date at our favorite restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. Saturday we have another date scheduled - use of a gift certificate for a hot tub place.

Life feels really good today. I see the packing monster looming, but it feels manageable.

It also helps that I got my paperwork from Wales yesterday.

Whirlwind week. Meetings, meetings, meetings. I've hardly seen Bennett this week. Or so it feels. Out the door early tomorrow too, for an 8.15am dentist appointment. But it's all good. I've found the person to replace me.

Today I had another meeting with the big time donor ladies for this event we're putting on in Feb. It was at one of the lady's homes. It wasn't ostentatious, but the art, the view, the flowers.... just gorgeous. I've effectively seen how the "ladies who lunch" live and you know.... I'll take it.

Bennett has grown significantly in the last 2 weeks. His top two front teeth are starting to break through. He said "Nigel" on Monday. He is SO strong. He lifted a Le Creuset dutch oven *with one hand* today! Holy crap.

I started boot camp on Monday. It's fabulous, but boy am I sore and out of shape!

I have been having crazy vivid dreams again - which I love! One night I was singing about meat. Flank steak, to be specific.

Must throw myself in bed and hope for more fun dreams. Good night!

My job is live on Craigslist. Let the email onslaught begin!

The sinus cold has officially set in. I made the mistake of checking work email to write some notes to myself before bed. I got one email that is just icing on the cake of fail that is tonight's event. I was fuming. And now, after some blocks of sleep (none really consecutive as B is a little stuffy and there fore sleeping fitfully), I feel a bit more clear headed. I also am extremely clear that I am quitting. It feels good to be clear.

I pulled the 3 of coins reversed this morning. This is a reminder not be childish, not to diminish other's work or my own. Work is unsuccessful, there are conflicts - no surprise there! I am angry and frustrated with my bosses and I will tell them so, but not in the hot headed, blaming, yelling voice that I wanted to last night. Today's circumstances are some of the worst in which to be announcing my departure, but if I want to tell them face to face, that's how it needs to be.

I really want to be black heart about everything. I'm not there this morning, but I'm making efforts to be as grounded as I can be, as focused on what is really important - relationship, honesty, following through, boundaries.

On the positive side, the rain continues to downpour here. Much much needed wet. I love the grey sky - it's like a wet comfortable snuggly comforter.

Two recent posts - well, one post and one forward - have gotten me thinking. First, there's that podcast from yesterday about genius and how we spend our time. I don't need to be a genius, I really don't, but I do know that I'm not using my time wisely, that I've been avoiding Things, and that I've been flirting with depression in a pretty big way. I also read a post this morning in which a woman talked about making all things secondary to her spiritual practice. Replace that last bit with what's most important to you, and I ask: are you putting first things first? I'm not. And I want to put my spiritual pursuits first. I do. But I don't. I'm scared shitless to do so. What does that look like? Will I become a crazy fruity loon? I fear that my life will fall apart - maybe set on fire, like Bennett has done? And just how DO I devote four hours to something, anything, with a child? I fear I'll become some extreme weirdo, or a nun, or something vastly incompatible with being a normal person and mother. I'm WAY too invested in being normal, so perhaps "indulging" this desire is exactly what I need.

What would four hours of spiritual pursuit a day look like? Probably an hour of yoga, 30 minutes of meditation, another 30 of prayer and tarot, two hours of academic study. Eventually, once I quit working and officially become a Student once more, the study will be its own thing, but I'm not so compartmentalized that I don't see that my academic pursuits are still a big spiritual quest of sorts for me.

Even writing about this makes my stomach knot up in fear and anxiety. Gah. It's this being vulnerable and open to mockery. Juvenile fears clutching to my guts and desires. And fear of overthrowing my life as I know it. Choosing the devils I know over the devils I don't. How dull.

What's my order of priority? I spend a lot of time keeping my house in order. Partly because I like clean, partly because I get stressed out with too much clutter and filth - it's a giant distraction and I think I can't handle external clutter because I'm already so cluttered on the inside, and partly training and judgement from my upbringing.

I'm currently working and that is sucking a lot of my energy. I think I'm going to just bite the bullet and have a heart to heart with my ED. Going into work makes me noticeably depressed. This is not good, even if I am quitting in a few months.

I spend a vast portion of my day online. This is because this is where the majority of my social life and work take place.

I want to make some changes. I'm scared. I'm dragging my heels. But I'm already throwing myself into the fire this year with motherhood and moving and going back to school. Why not harness my time and energies into what I *really want*?

If only there was some magic pill that reformed my habits and fears. But instead it's the steady, daily, messy, awkward work of one step at a time.

*I love the winter holidays. Wish it felt more wintery and festive 'round these here parts.

*This nuclear family bullshit is isolating and I hate it. It takes way more than two people to raise one kid. The radical feminist in me is appalled at the binds I find myself in. I think the nuclear family is one of the single greatest myths that patriarchy has perpetuated in modern times.

*Adam and I are considering having B model. I feel conflicted about this. We are constantly getting told that B should be a baby model. We have a friend that used to be a children's agent. Extra money for a savings for B would be wonderful. We hear it's about $60/hr. But.... do I really want to support the advertising and modeling business? It also feels rather exploitative of Bennett, and he cannot offer his consent. It's like getting in bed with the devil. Feedback, please.

*There is so much to do to prepare for our trip. With no child care this week, I will be leaving my job with a lot of loose ends, and there's just not much I can do about that. I'm not sure I care all that much. I feel some guilt about being half-assed, but you know, if I really truly cared I'd find a way to get everything done.

*Off to start dinner while B is asleep. Wish I was asleep.

*Also, I think I am going to try to eliminate sugar from my diet for the duration of my trip. All the holiday sweets are starting to make me feel bad.

Today at work I realized that I hadn't thought through this whole "having a baby" thing. Why I am working while he is an infant? Right, I need money, and I was seduced with the whole "you can bring your baby to work!" This meant that I had only 3 weeks of honest-to-goodness maternity leave and have been working more or less since 2 weeks after giving birth. Bringing B to work no longer is effective - I don't get anything done and he doesn't get the attention he needs. So now I have to work to afford the childcare he needs - and for my rent and bills.

Lately I've been giving serious consideration to quitting. Partly financially, partly because I find myself caring less and less about the work we do, and I am more and more dissatisfied with the leadership. It's difficult because I love my coworkers and boss, honestly I love them, and they love me; no other office job could be as flexible as this. But this is not my life's passion and I find myself slowly moving away from what is. It feels much like how I've ended up here 5 years on - I was always planning to move back to Alaska.....

Two final nails in the coffin of my job:
1) Pumping. Why am I pumping and working? Why didn't I take this year OFF when I'm breastfeeding and go back to work when he's older, can eat solids and will fare better with childcare?? Pumping in the bathroom is about the most demoralizing thing. I'm either on the floor in the handicap stall or in the main part facing the wall, hoping no one else needs to come in.

2) Adam and I met with our ED to discuss our raises. I laid out that we had to have more money. My part time hours cover my rent, one bill, a smidge of savings, B's costs and what ever is left over is my spending money. I can't cover childcare too. Adam pays his rent, all the utilities, two other bills, his spending money, and almost no savings. Oh yes, my student loans are on hold so those aren't factored in. We laid all this out. Even with raises we would be making only slightly more than $60,000 a year (that's as a household). This is still too little for a couple in the Bay Area to have a child AND save money.

Our boss said how much he loved us and our work and wanted to provide for us to stay. Then he dropped a huge bomb. One of our big donors was an investor in this Maddof guy who has bilked people out of billions. If any other donors have been hit we may have to all take pay CUTS. This does not bode well.

Adam and I are going to have a big ol' discussion of today's meeting over home made mac n cheese and a bottle of wine tonight.

And finally, one last reason to find a new place: it is COLD. It's quite cold for the Bay Area, but not even freezing. Yet in 1930s apartment building, with single paned windows, the draughts are severe. The hardwood floors are too cold to sit on. I am bundled up in knee length wool socks, jeans, a tank top, long-sleeved thermal, wool sweater and scarf. B has his socks, baby carharts, wool diaper cover, long sleeved shirt, and lined knit sweater, and I'm still debating shoes and a hat for him. Did I mention the radiators are all on?

It's coming back. I've had creative impulses. I want to read again. I've actually remembered stuff and had the occasional graduate level thought. IT FEELS SO GOOD.

But of course, I still have some holes in my brain. Sometimes I am flabbergasted at what I no longer know.

Today was a slight triumph for Adult Self. Bennett stayed home for 5 hours with a friend while I went to work and had meetings and phone calls and Did Stuff, all without having to worry about flashing my boobs (mostly - I am grateful no one needed the bathroom while I was pumping), or crying fits or drool or spit up or naps.

Better yet, when I came home it was clear that he was well loved and cared for and having a great time.

This bodes well, although I know my mental health is not out of the woods yet.

The bad news
*I miss my laptop
*I also noticed that my ipod is gone, and my pitchfinder/metronome
*I feel creepy, wary, angry and disappointed
*I did not sleep well last night. Every creak caused my eyes to fling open and my ears to strain. Plus, there was that weird smell of pot smoke in the bedroom and hallway at 3am. The apt manager came up last night to talk to us about the break in and we mentioned the smoke. He said they don't smoke. ....?? Do the fey smoke? We either have smoking fairies or it's them, I just don't know who else it could be!
*Bennett MUST BE NEAR MOMMY AT ALL TIMES
*I have 15 lbs of passed out baby in my left arm as I type with one hand - he will not be put down
*We have closed the blinds to all windows except the tree buffered ones behind Adam's desk. It looks dark, small and uninviting in here now

The good news
*We are safe and unharmed
*Nothing truly irreplaceable or deeply sentimental was taken. The silver bracelet was given to me by my mother, but it wasn't my favorite
*Our house was not trashed
*Bennett went to bed (at 11.30pm) with out a fuss! He HAD to sleep near me, so I guess we're back to bed sharing. As long as he doesn't fight sleep with weeping and gnashing of teeth each night, I'm happy
*We have renters insurance
*The police were nice and helpful
*I talked with my boss yesterday and we will negotiate raises for everyone!

Bennett must be on one hell of a growth spurt. His day time naps have been mushed together into 3.5-4 hour naps! And he's sleeping from midnight until.....well, I've had to get him up to go to work, so I'm guessing he'd sleep until 10am. WHOA. But it's been fabulous at work, because I have gotten more done in the last two days than in..... well, a really long time. I even feel prepared to leave for a week. Amazing.

I biked to and from work today. Just so wonderful. I love my body. When I am good to it, it is good to me.

Despite these good things I feel anxious. So much to do before I leave on Sunday! So much to do before my parents arrive. Tomorrow. In the 4 o'clock hour. It will be my father's first time meeting Benn - his first grandson! My mother hasn't seen him since he was 5 weeks old.

Bennett is such a delight and so freaking fun. He's "talking" all the time and sometimes I think he's trying to sing.

Tonight's dinner is a huge shout out to teamrose! We are having stuffed yellow peppers, stuffed with quinoa, beet greens, red pepper, red onion, cilantro, cashews and carrots, cinnamon and cumin. And a salad of golden and red beets on dandelion greens with a yoghurt dressing that I'm going to make. YUM. Man, I wish we'd open a bottle of wine to go with this meal, but I have a hunch Adam won't want to. That's ok, because we had an amazing bottle of 2004 Peterson Cabernet Sauvignon last night with our Indian food. Big time yum last night too.

Off to the cooking!