I had an experience very similar to yours with a boyfriend who was an "ex" at the time. It was so murky, as you say, that not only didn't I report it, but I later dated him and slept with him again. Now I can't believe that I did that. :-P And you know why I did? Because (among other reasons) he convinced me that what happened was my fault and made me feel guilty for getting upset. He told me that "crying was blackmail"...
But I also blamed myself because I didn't want to feel like a victim or admit that at that moment, I had no control over what happened to me. I only really came to terms with what happened last year, when it became necessary for me to tell the story of what happened to another sex partner.
I do have to disagree with you that rape is always something that men do to women. I think there's a huge stigma for men about being victims of rape and that the idea that a man is "always up for it" and therefore can't be raped is harmful to everyone. To clarify: I do agree that the endemic societal problem is male-on-female rape. But the idea that women CAN'T rape men is a product of the same sick society that says women are always sexual objects and men are always sexual subjects. I agree with gwydion1987 that feminism is not just a single-gender concept and that rape is not just a woman's issue. Gender, like sexuality, can be very fluid. If rape can ONLY happen to women, what about genderqueer people? Trans men? Trans women? What about male-on-male or woman-on-woman rape? It happens. My point is that rape IS about power, but the power differential is not always as simple as man>woman.
I have definitely been in situations where the power differential is switched from normal gender expectations. In such situations, I consider it completely my responsibility to ensure that I have full consent for whatever I choose to do with the other person. And that's how it should be--the person who holds the power in the situation also holds the responsibility, regardless of what genitals/gender identities are involved.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2010-02-15 06:18 pm (UTC)But I also blamed myself because I didn't want to feel like a victim or admit that at that moment, I had no control over what happened to me. I only really came to terms with what happened last year, when it became necessary for me to tell the story of what happened to another sex partner.
I do have to disagree with you that rape is always something that men do to women. I think there's a huge stigma for men about being victims of rape and that the idea that a man is "always up for it" and therefore can't be raped is harmful to everyone. To clarify: I do agree that the endemic societal problem is male-on-female rape. But the idea that women CAN'T rape men is a product of the same sick society that says women are always sexual objects and men are always sexual subjects. I agree with
I have definitely been in situations where the power differential is switched from normal gender expectations. In such situations, I consider it completely my responsibility to ensure that I have full consent for whatever I choose to do with the other person. And that's how it should be--the person who holds the power in the situation also holds the responsibility, regardless of what genitals/gender identities are involved.