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theatokosFor 'perfectionism' and 'parties.'
Even though I was officially affiliated with Pacific School of Religion while getting my masters, the PAOI was really my home base. I attended Tuesday evening liturgy and dinner there, took as many courses through them as I could, and the director of the Institute sat on my thesis committee. He has also written me a glowing letter of reference for future scholarly work. I owe much to this place and to him, so it was with a happy heart that I headed over there for another liturgy, tasty meal and a goodbye to the professor/director as he is moving to Boston.
I think I've been to church perhaps a grand total of 3 times (maybe only twice) in 2006. I just love the intimate chapel at PAOI and the Orthodox liturgy in general. As expected, almost as if on cue, my heart was tugged at by the hymns and prayers. Some little devil whispered to me "Why haven't you officially joined again? Why don't you just gather up some courage and join? Be the shit-stirrer! Go on!" And then comes the New Testament reading from 1 Timothy. It's some load of crap about widows and how women should remarry and have kids if they're young enough, don't encourage young women to be deaconesses as they'll only gossip, save that bit for the old ladies who really need it. I did my very best not laugh out loud. After the reading was over, my professor leaned to me and said "Wasn't that a nice patriarchal reading? The one time you show up for church and what do you get!" I find it so ridiculous that these sorts of passages are included as epistle readings. I could easily go through the Bible and find 365 readings that wouldn't be as dumb as that. Of course, to divvy all of the readings up might make them only one sentence long, but it's better than stupid 1 Timothy.
After liturgy there was a rather dull party, but my professor was pleased to have me there and I was glad that I could say goodbye, give him a hug and be invited to visit whenever I find myself in Boston!
How does this involve perfectionism? Well, I think I'm being totally perfectionist about joining the Church. Going to liturgy always, without fail, stirs this up. I think that's why I avoid going to church of any kind, especially ones I think I might like. It's much easier to go to the crappy stupid ones. I get upset, but that gives me a reason not to join and to be all righteous n shit. However, as problematic as I find Orthodoxy (down on the gays, Father language all over the place, socially and ideologically stuck in the past, and then there's that whole Creed business) I also love it. The liturgy, much of the language, the theology, it all tugs at the part of me that just can't chuck out Christianity. I think as an adult, as a theologically trained adult, that if I'm to join I should be able to accept everything as is or I shouldn't join at all. I know many cradle Orthodox who disagree with large chunks, yet I have no problem with them. I just think that as a convert I would be choosing the package, not parts. The syncretist in me totally wants to have my cake and eat it too. Can I be pagan AND Orthodox? The Orthodox say no; me, I'm not convinced that I can't be. Would it be ethical to join and keep all of that to myself, subverting silently from the inside? Maybe I'll just be like Constantine and convert on my deathbed. I'd still have chance for canonization!
Friends have told me that I'm over-thinking this, that one of the biggest points with religion and church is community and that it's better to just join and work things out along the way. I agree that I over think this stuff. I know that community is important and life-giving (it can also be tedious, exhausting and annoying). But, what if I really like it? Has anyone thought of that? I was a Bible-thumper for a brief period a long time ago, I have no desire to do that again.
My friend from Meuse, a friend from Alaska that I've known since the 3rd grade (we'll call her B), and her boyfriend threw a holiday party at his house in Richmond. It's always so nice to spend time in actual houses, as opposed to apartments. The mix of people was really interesting, as it always is when these two entertain. It's the most diverse group of people: white folk were in the minority at one point in the evening - black, Persian, Hispanic, and Asian. (I'm probably a big fat racist for even noticing and mentioning it, but my world is awfully white and that's just how it's worked out. The fact that I even worry about this means I've been in Berkeley too long.) The food was all home made by B and was just awesome. The end of the evening turned into music time. B's boyfriend is a hip-hop/rap producer. One of the guests is an R&B singer. A keyboard was brought out of a bedroom and we were treated to two songs by the singer. I thought he was just okay. His songs were both in the same key and he played the same arpeggios over and over (like Enya but with a jazz chord and syncopated rhythms). His voice would have been much nicer too - beautiful bass notes and an impressive falsetto - if he wasn't so busy trying to sound like an R&B singer. Listening to him, I realized just how much Feast Bay has affected my listening skills. After forming my own opinions of him, I wanted to ask about his process, his goals, why he chose to sing things in a certain way. I wanted to be more engaged. Rather than walk away with "he's alright, but" I wanted to walk away knowing more about him, where he's been and where he's going. I blame all of that on Feast Bay.
After that, B's boyfriend started singing 80s songs. He doesn't take himself seriously as a singer, which is a shame. I think he has the superior instrument of the two men. It's just obvious that the other guy has just been using his voice more. Which reminds me of.....
Me. I have to mention that I sang too. B called me out. I hate singing on the spot; I was literally shaking in my boots. I hope no one noticed. I sang O Holy Night, my favorite Christmas song. I was so grateful for the singing I had done earlier during liturgy. I did well. I'm rusty, it's true, but I did well. I was brave and I'm glad I did it. I too need to just use my voice more. Why must I always be perfect? Why can't I sing in front of people and not be awesome and have that be okay? Other people do it, most times with no foul consequences. Why can't I sing with an affectation, breathy or not warmed up? Other people do it and rarely do people mind. What's my deal?
I'm getting really sick of being a perfectionist. It's just no fun.
Even though I was officially affiliated with Pacific School of Religion while getting my masters, the PAOI was really my home base. I attended Tuesday evening liturgy and dinner there, took as many courses through them as I could, and the director of the Institute sat on my thesis committee. He has also written me a glowing letter of reference for future scholarly work. I owe much to this place and to him, so it was with a happy heart that I headed over there for another liturgy, tasty meal and a goodbye to the professor/director as he is moving to Boston.
I think I've been to church perhaps a grand total of 3 times (maybe only twice) in 2006. I just love the intimate chapel at PAOI and the Orthodox liturgy in general. As expected, almost as if on cue, my heart was tugged at by the hymns and prayers. Some little devil whispered to me "Why haven't you officially joined again? Why don't you just gather up some courage and join? Be the shit-stirrer! Go on!" And then comes the New Testament reading from 1 Timothy. It's some load of crap about widows and how women should remarry and have kids if they're young enough, don't encourage young women to be deaconesses as they'll only gossip, save that bit for the old ladies who really need it. I did my very best not laugh out loud. After the reading was over, my professor leaned to me and said "Wasn't that a nice patriarchal reading? The one time you show up for church and what do you get!" I find it so ridiculous that these sorts of passages are included as epistle readings. I could easily go through the Bible and find 365 readings that wouldn't be as dumb as that. Of course, to divvy all of the readings up might make them only one sentence long, but it's better than stupid 1 Timothy.
After liturgy there was a rather dull party, but my professor was pleased to have me there and I was glad that I could say goodbye, give him a hug and be invited to visit whenever I find myself in Boston!
How does this involve perfectionism? Well, I think I'm being totally perfectionist about joining the Church. Going to liturgy always, without fail, stirs this up. I think that's why I avoid going to church of any kind, especially ones I think I might like. It's much easier to go to the crappy stupid ones. I get upset, but that gives me a reason not to join and to be all righteous n shit. However, as problematic as I find Orthodoxy (down on the gays, Father language all over the place, socially and ideologically stuck in the past, and then there's that whole Creed business) I also love it. The liturgy, much of the language, the theology, it all tugs at the part of me that just can't chuck out Christianity. I think as an adult, as a theologically trained adult, that if I'm to join I should be able to accept everything as is or I shouldn't join at all. I know many cradle Orthodox who disagree with large chunks, yet I have no problem with them. I just think that as a convert I would be choosing the package, not parts. The syncretist in me totally wants to have my cake and eat it too. Can I be pagan AND Orthodox? The Orthodox say no; me, I'm not convinced that I can't be. Would it be ethical to join and keep all of that to myself, subverting silently from the inside? Maybe I'll just be like Constantine and convert on my deathbed. I'd still have chance for canonization!
Friends have told me that I'm over-thinking this, that one of the biggest points with religion and church is community and that it's better to just join and work things out along the way. I agree that I over think this stuff. I know that community is important and life-giving (it can also be tedious, exhausting and annoying). But, what if I really like it? Has anyone thought of that? I was a Bible-thumper for a brief period a long time ago, I have no desire to do that again.
My friend from Meuse, a friend from Alaska that I've known since the 3rd grade (we'll call her B), and her boyfriend threw a holiday party at his house in Richmond. It's always so nice to spend time in actual houses, as opposed to apartments. The mix of people was really interesting, as it always is when these two entertain. It's the most diverse group of people: white folk were in the minority at one point in the evening - black, Persian, Hispanic, and Asian. (I'm probably a big fat racist for even noticing and mentioning it, but my world is awfully white and that's just how it's worked out. The fact that I even worry about this means I've been in Berkeley too long.) The food was all home made by B and was just awesome. The end of the evening turned into music time. B's boyfriend is a hip-hop/rap producer. One of the guests is an R&B singer. A keyboard was brought out of a bedroom and we were treated to two songs by the singer. I thought he was just okay. His songs were both in the same key and he played the same arpeggios over and over (like Enya but with a jazz chord and syncopated rhythms). His voice would have been much nicer too - beautiful bass notes and an impressive falsetto - if he wasn't so busy trying to sound like an R&B singer. Listening to him, I realized just how much Feast Bay has affected my listening skills. After forming my own opinions of him, I wanted to ask about his process, his goals, why he chose to sing things in a certain way. I wanted to be more engaged. Rather than walk away with "he's alright, but" I wanted to walk away knowing more about him, where he's been and where he's going. I blame all of that on Feast Bay.
After that, B's boyfriend started singing 80s songs. He doesn't take himself seriously as a singer, which is a shame. I think he has the superior instrument of the two men. It's just obvious that the other guy has just been using his voice more. Which reminds me of.....
Me. I have to mention that I sang too. B called me out. I hate singing on the spot; I was literally shaking in my boots. I hope no one noticed. I sang O Holy Night, my favorite Christmas song. I was so grateful for the singing I had done earlier during liturgy. I did well. I'm rusty, it's true, but I did well. I was brave and I'm glad I did it. I too need to just use my voice more. Why must I always be perfect? Why can't I sing in front of people and not be awesome and have that be okay? Other people do it, most times with no foul consequences. Why can't I sing with an affectation, breathy or not warmed up? Other people do it and rarely do people mind. What's my deal?
I'm getting really sick of being a perfectionist. It's just no fun.
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no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 12:10 am (UTC)...I'm going to keep telling myself that.