Why I am not a Christian
Feb. 13th, 2007 03:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theatokosA lot has been brewing lately.
I no longer think it is feasible to call myself a Christian. I have identified as one, albeit loosely, since I was twelve. I have dabbled with organized Christianity ever since then. Religion aside, God has always been present, long before ever opening a text and during my many periods of disaffection. I am grateful that my independent mind and heart has allowed me to accept what is good, disregard what is ineffective for me and reject what is flat out rubbish. I do not regret a single moment of all the effort spent seeking God in Christianity. It is a rich, varied tradition built out of the faith - no matter how misguided at times- of those honestly seeking God for more than two thousand years now. It is a powerful tradition that has shaped my intellect and mystic self.
But I think the time has come to sever the anchor line. It's time for me head out into the wide sea beyond the Christian tradition. I've been refusing for some time to choose between Paganism and Christianity, thinking that just because I don't fit neatly into any one category is no reason to leave behind one and choose the other for the sake of labels. Why can't I be both? However, in not choosing the choice has become clear to me. I'm not a Christian. I am too much of a theologian to deny this any longer. Sure, there are liberal Christian traditions that would gladly embrace me, but in my opinion, they're not fully, big C Christian either. That is not to deny that perhaps I and they are little c Christians. But Christianity is a proud tradition and like all traditions it has defined parameters. To be Christian is to accept first that God is Trinitarian -Father, Son and Holy Spirit (this dogma was formulated even before the nature of Christ was sorted out). Secondly that Jesus is God, one in essence with God, yet fully Divine and fully human in nature. Lastly, that the crucifixion of Jesus Christ atones for our sins. It is these three core issues that define Christianity. The Nicene Creed is all you need to agree to, whether you’re of the born-again variety or part of some high liturgical church.
On the surface I can agree with almost all of it, but over the years I find myself translating more and more every time the Creed comes up (the oppressive Father language, especially). My many differences aren't so different from other liberal Christians, but what I'm discovering is that it's not so much each difference or nuanced translation I have that separates me, it's the totality of them that does. Each “yes, but…” or “except for…” isn't what makes me pagan, it's all of them combined that makes it very clear to me that I am unwilling to accept creedal Christianity, nor do I want to be the voice of transformative change. I cannot. If I try I am just starting a new church and I really do not want to do that. The last thing Christianity needs is yet another church.
I'm also tired of swimming up stream in my classes. The one I am currently taking on the Trinity is taxing. I am the lone feminist scholar, I am the lone panentheist, in a class of classical theists. They like their God as Father, even though that doesn't mean God is ontologically male (sure it doesn't). They like their God authoritative, hierarchical and completely transcendent. I just can't agree to any of that. At all. It's like signing up for another Father Figure – desperately needing an authoritative pat on head to approve of my choices and make me whole. As a twelve year old and as a 31 year old, I still think Jesus is telling us that we are already whole, that the Kingdom of God is within and at hand. If that's not immanence, I don't know what is.
What is also illuminating to me is that while I think Jesus is great and I can talk at intelligently and at length about his Divinity or his divinity, I have never once had an experience of him as God, as God God. Maybe this makes me a radical monotheist, maybe this makes me open to other’s experiences of the Divine in other forms and permutations. Whatever the case may be, Jesus is not Lord for me.
Why should I keep beating my head against a wall, looking for inclusion in a group that I don't fit with? I know that no one person believes 100% of all things all the time in any particular religion. I have tried and failed to sync up with traditional Christianity. I think almost 20 years is ample effort. It's time to move on.
This realization is incredibly relieving. Not joyous, for there is a sense of loss too. There is also a rather significant oh shit feeling: I have recently applied for further graduate work, ostensibly in the Christian fold. I love theology, I love religion, I love to study. I now have to rethink what those things look like in light of my revelation. What does Mariology look like outside of the Christian field? Do I go into pagan theology (the need there is great)? I have to prepare myself for new options seen from a new perspective.
I write this to speak change boldly. I cannot speak boldly about change in the world or anything else until I can speak about myself. As always, I am open for discussion.
I no longer think it is feasible to call myself a Christian. I have identified as one, albeit loosely, since I was twelve. I have dabbled with organized Christianity ever since then. Religion aside, God has always been present, long before ever opening a text and during my many periods of disaffection. I am grateful that my independent mind and heart has allowed me to accept what is good, disregard what is ineffective for me and reject what is flat out rubbish. I do not regret a single moment of all the effort spent seeking God in Christianity. It is a rich, varied tradition built out of the faith - no matter how misguided at times- of those honestly seeking God for more than two thousand years now. It is a powerful tradition that has shaped my intellect and mystic self.
But I think the time has come to sever the anchor line. It's time for me head out into the wide sea beyond the Christian tradition. I've been refusing for some time to choose between Paganism and Christianity, thinking that just because I don't fit neatly into any one category is no reason to leave behind one and choose the other for the sake of labels. Why can't I be both? However, in not choosing the choice has become clear to me. I'm not a Christian. I am too much of a theologian to deny this any longer. Sure, there are liberal Christian traditions that would gladly embrace me, but in my opinion, they're not fully, big C Christian either. That is not to deny that perhaps I and they are little c Christians. But Christianity is a proud tradition and like all traditions it has defined parameters. To be Christian is to accept first that God is Trinitarian -Father, Son and Holy Spirit (this dogma was formulated even before the nature of Christ was sorted out). Secondly that Jesus is God, one in essence with God, yet fully Divine and fully human in nature. Lastly, that the crucifixion of Jesus Christ atones for our sins. It is these three core issues that define Christianity. The Nicene Creed is all you need to agree to, whether you’re of the born-again variety or part of some high liturgical church.
On the surface I can agree with almost all of it, but over the years I find myself translating more and more every time the Creed comes up (the oppressive Father language, especially). My many differences aren't so different from other liberal Christians, but what I'm discovering is that it's not so much each difference or nuanced translation I have that separates me, it's the totality of them that does. Each “yes, but…” or “except for…” isn't what makes me pagan, it's all of them combined that makes it very clear to me that I am unwilling to accept creedal Christianity, nor do I want to be the voice of transformative change. I cannot. If I try I am just starting a new church and I really do not want to do that. The last thing Christianity needs is yet another church.
I'm also tired of swimming up stream in my classes. The one I am currently taking on the Trinity is taxing. I am the lone feminist scholar, I am the lone panentheist, in a class of classical theists. They like their God as Father, even though that doesn't mean God is ontologically male (sure it doesn't). They like their God authoritative, hierarchical and completely transcendent. I just can't agree to any of that. At all. It's like signing up for another Father Figure – desperately needing an authoritative pat on head to approve of my choices and make me whole. As a twelve year old and as a 31 year old, I still think Jesus is telling us that we are already whole, that the Kingdom of God is within and at hand. If that's not immanence, I don't know what is.
What is also illuminating to me is that while I think Jesus is great and I can talk at intelligently and at length about his Divinity or his divinity, I have never once had an experience of him as God, as God God. Maybe this makes me a radical monotheist, maybe this makes me open to other’s experiences of the Divine in other forms and permutations. Whatever the case may be, Jesus is not Lord for me.
Why should I keep beating my head against a wall, looking for inclusion in a group that I don't fit with? I know that no one person believes 100% of all things all the time in any particular religion. I have tried and failed to sync up with traditional Christianity. I think almost 20 years is ample effort. It's time to move on.
This realization is incredibly relieving. Not joyous, for there is a sense of loss too. There is also a rather significant oh shit feeling: I have recently applied for further graduate work, ostensibly in the Christian fold. I love theology, I love religion, I love to study. I now have to rethink what those things look like in light of my revelation. What does Mariology look like outside of the Christian field? Do I go into pagan theology (the need there is great)? I have to prepare myself for new options seen from a new perspective.
I write this to speak change boldly. I cannot speak boldly about change in the world or anything else until I can speak about myself. As always, I am open for discussion.
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no subject
Date: 2007-02-13 11:59 pm (UTC)Such a hard decision, congrats on making it.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 12:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 12:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 12:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 12:17 am (UTC)On the surface I can agree with almost all of it, but over the years I find myself translating more and more every time the Creed comes up (the oppressive Father language, especially.)
Exactly why I had to leave Christianity behind myself. I've been told that the Creed isn't "that important"--but it's the letter of Christian belief. Like you say, too many "yes, but"s.
As a twelve year old and as a 31 year old, I still think Jesus is telling us that we are already whole, that the Kingdom of God is within and at hand.
YES. An unqualified yes. To me, two of the most important messages that Jesus was trying to get across. And two that are lost in a focus on sin and the afterlife.
What does Mariology look like outside of the Christian field? Do I go into pagan theology (the need there is great)?
I hope so. There is such a need for serious, focused, intelligent (and intellectual) theologians like yourself in the pagan community.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 12:27 am (UTC)I am grateful that I move on with little bitterness and no regret. I have no intention of abandoning Christianity entirely - if it has served me as well as it has then it's not to be discarded completely. Plus, to do actual theological study is to build on the foundations of Christians, at least in the Western world. I wonder just as much as you about where this decision will take my studies. I'm not scared, per se, just open eyed in a "what now?" kind of way.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 12:30 am (UTC)I have thought occasionally about studying theology, but I always expected I would study it on a larger scale: all Abrahamic religions and non-Abrahamic religions as well. But I have to admit I wonder if academia is truly prepared for pagan theology.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 12:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 02:09 am (UTC)Each “yes, but…” or “except for…” isn't what makes me pagan, it's all of them combined that makes it very clear to me that I am unwilling to accept creedal Christianity
So, I'm curious what else it is that makes you *choose* Paganism, beyond refusing Christianity?
Further, curiosity-- where & more specifically in what field have you applied for "further graduate work."
Eloquent essay, btw. And yes, there is a great need for more & better pagan theology. I bet you'd be terrific!
no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 07:12 pm (UTC)I don't think I am "refusing" Christianity. It was really more of a coming to terms with what I am and am not, believe and don't believe, than a rejection. I didn't want to sit and write what I really believe because I wanted to separate this idea from a long credo, which I may get around to doing at some point. It would be a challenge to systematically go through and talk about what I mean when I think about Jesus and what I mean by panentheism, by immanence and transcendence, that the Trinitarian model can work in a pagan context, what I mean when I think about salvation and resurrection, etc etc ad infinitum.
As for further grad work, I applied for an MPhil at the University of Wales. There is a woman there, Sarah Boss, who does wonderful work on Mary. She actually has an entire MA program on Marian studies. I really want this knowledge, but I already have an MA so I went for the MPhil route. Apparently, if I get in and if I do well, I can just roll straight into a PhD program. I haven't heard back yet - fingers crossed! There isn't a program like it in the US. Another bonus of doing academic work in the UK is that they are much more open about pagan/new religion studies than over here, from I what I can gather.
Thank you for your encouragement!
no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 09:29 pm (UTC)systematically go through and talk about what I mean when I think about Jesus and what I mean by panentheism, by immanence and transcendence, that the Trinitarian model can work in a pagan context, what I mean when I think about salvation and resurrection
I'd love to read it--though it could easily be an entire dissertation! On that topic, good luck with your grad app! Fyi, there is a growing academic Pagan Studies community (http://chass.colostate-pueblo.edu/paganstudies/) in the US--but the trick is still getting a job when you get out. Hm, maybe I should start looking for jobs in the UK...
no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 10:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 11:58 pm (UTC)Funny, I just made a comment in this thread (http://community.livejournal.com/religion_majors/96135.html?thread=540039#t540039) along rather similar lines...
no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 02:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 02:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 05:57 am (UTC)i am starting to use filters on my LJ and put you in the pagan filter, so i can post about more than parrots...
no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 05:50 pm (UTC)Glad to be of service... ;)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 07:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-19 06:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 06:46 am (UTC)(Ellen)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 02:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 07:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 05:06 am (UTC)Congratulations on listening to your better angels (so to speak) and making what must have been a hard decision. I am sure that everything you have done up until now has gone to good use, and I can't wait to see what happens now.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 07:18 pm (UTC)Also, we got your post card from India last week! I've been meaning to say... thanks!
no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 04:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 07:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 05:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 07:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 09:21 pm (UTC)i leave you with a quote that seems apropos to me right now: "learn the art of taking your stand on the Truth within. when you live in this Truth, the result is the fusion of the mind and the heart and end of all fears and sorrow." i'll give you one guess about who said this.*g*
no subject
Date: 2007-02-14 09:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-15 07:54 pm (UTC)it's nice to hear that it's such a centered conclusion for you. i mean there may be mourning, but you've made the right decision for you. as always, it's a pleasure and a privilege to hear your deep thoughts.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-19 05:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 12:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 04:33 am (UTC)As a random test page, can you load this? http://pagantheologies.pbwiki.com/Authority
no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 11:30 pm (UTC)Plus she's a pretty neat person in general.