Afternoon revelations and the WHOA factor

[theatokos]

I've been reflecting a little on how being pregnant has been changing me. I mean, for the last month or so, there's nothing more interesting to me than my pregnancy LJ communities. And I'm really interested in what I'm going to eat next. Reading is rarely that exciting for me anymore.

Whoa.

I think what this is all about it is: I'm being forced to slow down. Whether I like it or not, my priorities are elsewhere, my body - my embodied self - is completely engaged in a project that has nothing to do with my brain. I am tired of trying so hard all the time. It's like I'm not interested in overachieving anymore. This isn't to say I'm not fully committed to the goals I have set forth for myself, but I am a lot less impatient about them. In the now that is. I still think ahead and freak that it might take me 8 years rather than 4 to do my dissertation. And other realities. But there it is. The slow gentle tug of the couch, a book (academic or no), a hot cup of tea, the afternoon light - so delightful! Who cares if I read 100 pages or 10 today? Not me. Not if I can escape from under the giant Should that's attached itself to me (again) since I've gotten preggers.

I'm tired of trying to impress people all the time and Be a Better Me and all that. I'm supremely more interested in who this little being is inside me than I am in myself.

It's like my internal world has gone and turned all topsy-turvy.

It's all just one big WHOA.

Comments

CONGRATULATIONS

[thekitchenvixen.livejournal.com]

Welcome to Hormone City!

Yeah I loose all academic/work related motivation. I am just like "baby... baby stuff... nesting... birthing"

Anyway, I want to give you a very sincere "good for you". Doesn't it feel so nice and warm and happy?

Re: CONGRATULATIONS

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Thank you! If only I can hang on to this and not get overwhelmed (again.... and again) each and every day. Intellectually I am in shock. It's like: who am I? Who is this crazy sensitive lady who doesn't want to read and craves cheeseburgers every three weeks and considers a good day of yoga just standing in tadasana?? Will I get myself back? Will I care?

Part of me thinks in some ways it's wise to get pregnant much younger, before getting more certain about who I am. (Not that I'm old, but I've had ten years more than my sister did to "find myself" and all that.) Although, it's also a good shake up to ruts and patterns. Are all these things I assume about myself (both "good" and "bad") really true about me? Clearly, I'm more complex than I gave myself credit for!

It's all a little whoa.

[msmidge.livejournal.com]

That sounds pretty nice to me! I was going through exams and my dissertation prospectus when I was pregnant so it was one big stress monkey.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Oh my sweet lord, I don't know how you did it. I guilt myself sometimes: other pregnant ladies have had it much harder than me, what have I got to be all stressed out about? Sheesh. This is typical of me. I am way too hard on myself. But I am SO SO SO happy that I don't have to do exams for my PhD. God bless the UK system.