Learning to chill the fuck out

[theatokos]

On the inside I am a four year old. I wonder if I was stifled as a child. Maybe I didn't get to throw temper tantrums (I was not allowed. That did not fly with my mother) and maybe I wanted to. Maybe I was tired of always being smart and capable (yes, this was definitely true in some circumstances, for instance, dealing with nightmares). All I know is that more and more lately, when I get rundown, I revert to a child. "I don wannaaaaaaa!" I wail.

Like this morning, standing in front of the fridge, hungry and needing to eat some protein. I don wanna! I don't want to eat. Don't want cheese. Pout. Or peanut butter. Pout. Don't want to wear a bra or talk to anyone or floss or do the dishes, etc etc ad infinitum. Holy whoa, people.

Last weekend it dawned on me that I might be a little depressed. Rundown. Exhausted. Yes, February was tiring, but a week plus after wrapping up all of my obligations, I still find myself angry at the thought of any obligation, tired, and completely uninterested in anything that I am normally fascinated by. Theology, reading, my latest issue of Bitch, singing, even listening to music, going outside, yoga, cooking - if I liked it before, chances are I don't want to have anything to do with it. Give me ice cream and reality television. WTF?

After much crying and pouting and some comfort from Adam, I have decided that perhaps I need to do nothing. Like, really. Not do anything. That's been my work for this week. And it's so uncomfortable. I wake up with panic thoughts and lists of things I Should Be Doing. I have ongoing arguments with myself over the Should word. I've tried to temper some of this with the provision that when I am at work I can take care of some personal and domestic items. My job will be the container for things that really do need to get done - I can take five minutes to pay bills, for example, or deal with my landlandy, things that like that. Once I get home, all bets are off. So far, that's seemed to work, but I'm still itchy and feeling like a horrible person for sitting in front of the tv AGAIN for another whole evening.

I'm trying to trust that once I've gotten the break I need, or learned to deal with this monster Should ticker tape in my head, it'll be clear to me that I'm ready to get back into the swing of things.

This is all mildly complicated by the fact that I have been asked to audition for two very good choral groups. My voice teacher knows the conductor of the Pacific Mozart Ensemble and the Oakland Symphony Chorus, and she's asked me to come in. This is AWESOME and couldn't come at a worse time. I know that singing for one or both of these groups is exactly what I want, except that right now I don't want anything. Except for ice cream and tv. I do plan on auditioning, I've just gotta figure out a way to get practicing without throwing myself into an anxiety spiral and Should marathon.

Burn out sucks. But I know that if I just plow through this and Do Stuff I'll never learn to rest, that it'll just build up and I'll really melt down at some point. My hope is that I can weather this deep discomfort and maybe, finally, rid myself of the nasty Should and ongoing lists of perfection in my head and get back to living my life, only happier and with more ease.

Comments

[eelsalad.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. I wish I could find an article I read a year or so ago that was all about this -- about learning to do nothing as part of burnout recover. I've been hunting through my del.icio.us and Google and finding NADA! ARGH! Will try to turn it up again.

But the gist of the article was this: if, when burned out, you stop doing things for long enough, you will eventually recover and want to do them again. But it takes time.

I'll keep hunting.

[eelsalad.livejournal.com]

And, as soon as I hit "Post", I found it. The Stages of Rest (http://freeandresponsible.blogspot.com/2005/06/stages-of-rest.html).

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

I have this! I think Ellen sent it out sometime last year. A very wise article. Of course, my brain thinks "oh, am I done with stage one yet? No? Maybe one more week?" Like, I can plan not planning. God, I'm ridiculous.

[msmidge.livejournal.com]

What trimester are you in? I think I felt generally pissy and burned out for pretty much all of first and all of third. Second was more okay. Of course first and third coincided with exams and trying to herd my dissertation committee, so there was reason for pissiness, but still.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

I'm in the second trimester. Being pregnant is of course attributing to mood swings, but it only highlights a larger, ongoing issue with me. I could press on. But why not take this as an opportunity to learn to rest? Life certainly isn't going to get any easier once the babe is born.

[msmidge.livejournal.com]

Oh, surely you will have one of those magical babies that sleep through the night!

[makeda55.livejournal.com]

By my longtime friend Doug Muder! Glad you found it... I would have pointed you to it if you hadn't beat me there.

It's a great article. Don't miss the Stupid Projects stage. Been there.