Fine, fine, an update - or, huge vent

[theatokos]

Little B was supposed to come home Saturday morning, but he bradied again. (Bradycardia) The earliest released date, as of yesterday morning, is Thursday. But whatever. I haven't been to the hospital for two days. After finding out Thursday night that he wasn't coming home I had a bit of a breakdown and decided I needed a break from the 9 hour days at the hospital. I feel like a bad mom - I know babies heal, grow and develop best when curled up on their parents' chests, but I cannot handle the hospital anymore. I have spent more time at the hospital in the last two weeks than I have at my own home. I am exhausted from the constant platitudes of the nurses and the constant checking in when I'm there:

"How's everything going? Is he latching? How many minutes [of breastfeeding] has it been? You know, this is just his way of saying he's not ready to go home. You wouldn't want your baby to go home if it's not safe, would you? It'll just be a few more days. Any day now he'll grow out of this. It's just a developmental issue common to premies." Seriously, I get those statements EVERY time I'm there.

I am going to go in today for one feeding and to hold him for a couple of hours. And that's it. No more. Just one feeding a day. For my own sanity. I am so grateful that he'll never remember this time, although I fear his time in the hospital, time mostly left on his own, swaddled up and left to sleep in a crib by himself, will be imprinting on him. I don't want him to feel or perceive to be abandoned. He is used to hearing my heartbeat every moment of his life - then he gets born and is whisked off to a plastic bed without me.

Another reason to be pissed at Kaiser: Adam went the day before yesterday and I gave him a big swatch of fabric from a t-shirt I wear to bed, a t-shirt I've had since I was 12 (I haven't grown very much since then). Cut up for a good cause. I was hoping Benn could snuggle up with it. Yesterday it was no where to be seen. What nurse didn't give it to him? I'm so disappointed.

Actually, it's just days on end of disappointment.

I have decided that when I go in today I am going to tell the nurses I do not want them to talk to me, that I will get them if I have questions. I do not want any information about him. All I want is a 12 hour heads up that he is coming home. I can read his chart if I want to know what is going on. I'm tired of getting my hopes up. As far as I'm concerned, Kaiser has custody of my child and I've only got visitation rights.

These mothering hormones are crazy. I feel like I have been taken over, reprogrammed, invaded. I am not my own person anymore. Adam cannot relate to how I feel. This is the first time I felt a huge biological gap between me and him - or between women and men. This Mama Bear urge in me is powerful. It would be amazing if I wasn't in a position to have my heart broken every two days.

Comments

[said-by-me.livejournal.com]

Oh honey.... I am so so so sorry you are going through this

[ambar.livejournal.com]

I think asking the nurses to back the fuck off is a fine, fine plan. I've been feeling very much that way about casual natter from people I don't know, and my situation is nothing like as intense as yours.


Much love --

[msmidge.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. What a horrible situation. *hugs* and I hope it gets better soon. It's so heartbreaking to have no say in the situation at all and know it can't really be any other way.

[snowcalla.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry you are going through this. This is supposed to be some of the happiest days of your life.

[queen-of-wands.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[inkprincess.livejournal.com]

{{hugs}} Don't feel bad about not being at the hospital alot. we only spent about an hour/hour and a half with Lily a day. I don't think i could spend HOURS there a day. too insane.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think I'm going to be scaling it back. When I thought his release was imminent I was just powering through, but now that "soon" means "we have no fucking idea" I'm taking a more sane approach.

I'm so glad Lily is out - yay!!