Friday morning gratitude

This morning I am grateful for:

*working for a Jewish nonprofit and getting the Jewish holidays as paid vacation
*a laptop at home for my use
*drinking tea from a beautiful green cast iron japanese style tea pot
*increased clarity in purpose
*space to have a hard time
*being fit and healthy (and knocking 35 seconds off my mile run!)
*getting to go abroad
*a partner who knows me, and loves me all the same

Today I...

...finished Sun Tzu's Art of War
...saw Superbad
...read all of Alison Bechdel's Fun Home

I have an audition tomorrow. I don't want to do it. I am not feeling well and I am bored to tears with my audition piece (Mozart's Deh vieni non tardar from the Marriage of Figaro). I realize it's been my audition piece for probably 6 or 8 years. I am overwhelmed and sensitive, and a big chunk of me is hiding, curled up in a ball in the space between the piano and the window. Like the place I used to hide when I was a child because I was the only one small enough to fit. Same piano.

It is these moments when I think that something needs to change. I cannot be overwhelmed like this forever and I am boring myself every time I realize I am exhausted. Some one mentioned today "That seems to be your m.o." Sad, but true. But this fluttery, panicky feeling under the surface takes so much energy to conceal. At this point, though, it takes less energy to conceal than to give in to. I feel like puking, but only on the inside.

It is 10.30 on a Friday night and I shall put myself to bed. Please god, and I will feel better in the morning. More able to face the day that lies ahead.