Fine, fine, an update - or, huge vent

Little B was supposed to come home Saturday morning, but he bradied again. (Bradycardia) The earliest released date, as of yesterday morning, is Thursday. But whatever. I haven't been to the hospital for two days. After finding out Thursday night that he wasn't coming home I had a bit of a breakdown and decided I needed a break from the 9 hour days at the hospital. I feel like a bad mom - I know babies heal, grow and develop best when curled up on their parents' chests, but I cannot handle the hospital anymore. I have spent more time at the hospital in the last two weeks than I have at my own home. I am exhausted from the constant platitudes of the nurses and the constant checking in when I'm there:

"How's everything going? Is he latching? How many minutes [of breastfeeding] has it been? You know, this is just his way of saying he's not ready to go home. You wouldn't want your baby to go home if it's not safe, would you? It'll just be a few more days. Any day now he'll grow out of this. It's just a developmental issue common to premies." Seriously, I get those statements EVERY time I'm there.

I am going to go in today for one feeding and to hold him for a couple of hours. And that's it. No more. Just one feeding a day. For my own sanity. I am so grateful that he'll never remember this time, although I fear his time in the hospital, time mostly left on his own, swaddled up and left to sleep in a crib by himself, will be imprinting on him. I don't want him to feel or perceive to be abandoned. He is used to hearing my heartbeat every moment of his life - then he gets born and is whisked off to a plastic bed without me.

Another reason to be pissed at Kaiser: Adam went the day before yesterday and I gave him a big swatch of fabric from a t-shirt I wear to bed, a t-shirt I've had since I was 12 (I haven't grown very much since then). Cut up for a good cause. I was hoping Benn could snuggle up with it. Yesterday it was no where to be seen. What nurse didn't give it to him? I'm so disappointed.

Actually, it's just days on end of disappointment.

I have decided that when I go in today I am going to tell the nurses I do not want them to talk to me, that I will get them if I have questions. I do not want any information about him. All I want is a 12 hour heads up that he is coming home. I can read his chart if I want to know what is going on. I'm tired of getting my hopes up. As far as I'm concerned, Kaiser has custody of my child and I've only got visitation rights.

These mothering hormones are crazy. I feel like I have been taken over, reprogrammed, invaded. I am not my own person anymore. Adam cannot relate to how I feel. This is the first time I felt a huge biological gap between me and him - or between women and men. This Mama Bear urge in me is powerful. It would be amazing if I wasn't in a position to have my heart broken every two days.

Feeling more sane

Today has certainly ended up much better than expected. I went to the hospital at noon. Adam had been earlier with his folks and talked to the nurses, telling them I would be in and to please leave me be. The nurses did and I fed my boy and held him for almost two hours. It was peaceful and he was looking so beautiful. I hadn't seen him for two days and at this stage in his growth, I can really tell differences already! He's gained some weight - up to 5 lbs, 1.8 oz. GO BENNETT!! He really has the most impish smile - whether he's actually responding to anything, I don't know. It did seem he made the smiling faces as I was singing to him. But he might just be practicing his facial muscles. Whatever the case, his smile is mischievous.

After that, Adam and I went to see Kung Fu Panda. It was so much better than I expected! It was delightful. The animation was equal parts annoying 3D and beautiful. The opening sequence and closing credits in particular were stunning.

And after that I went to yoga. I took it easy but I still may not be able to move in the morning. Plus, my pelvic floor is going to take a while to get back to normal. Wow.

Dinner was provided by my friend B, who made us the most amazing and delicious pasta - tomato cream sauce with red peppers and smoked salmon from Juneau. YUM.

We are now watching China Town.

It's a good day. I'm feeling better. I feel like life is actually good once again.