run down

[theatokos]

Today is the first day that I want a break. Maybe some one else can come feed B for a while? I don't want to do laundry. Or tidy. I really really want 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep. No cuddling. No touching. I want my eye brows waxed, a foot massage, a trip to the Japanese baths, half a bottle of a really good zinfandel. I'm starting to feel guilty over all the little (and big) things that I've let slide. My lack of an attention span. The calls gone unreturned, though those are few, the lapse in any creative or intellectual output, the bare minimum I'm contributing at my job. I can tell I'm over tired because I'm starting to have money panic. But I shouldn't be surprised. I've not had an income for two months and I've eaten away at our savings buying diapers and paying rent. I'm sick of wearing my baggy, ill fitting clothes and long to fit into my prepregnancy jeans. I look at them and think - damn! I was thin! But I've only lost 3 pounds in two months. I am constitutionally and idealistically opposed to diets. Please god, don't make me have to go on one, pleeeeaase. And I think I'm coming down with a little bit of a cold. Unsurprising.

Adam is working from home later today. I am hoping he can take B for most of the day so I can do my own thing. In between feedings.

Comments

[livingdeadpan.livejournal.com]

"the lapse in any creative or intellectual output, the bare minimum I'm contributing at my job"

These are the two that are getting to me, but especially the first. It's like all my "good" energy goes to the boys, then whatever other waking energy I have left gets half-assed into work and other endeavors that don't involve cleaning the house.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Exactly. Technically, I'm supposed to be reading for my dissertation. HA!. I haven't read anything theology related in over 7 months. Oy. I was singing up until May.... but now I'm so tired and gravelly voiced that I don't have the desire do my scales. Sigh. I hear this passes.

...right?

[livingdeadpan.livejournal.com]

That's what I hear, but so far I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

We met in a (gay) chorus. :D

[msmidge.livejournal.com]

I hope you get at least a few hours to yourself--if you do, be sure to do something that totally moves you into a different frame of mind, like getting a massage. (I just got back from a long-awaited massage and I feel like a different person...one who's not going to snap people's heads off, anyway.)

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of taking a few hours out next Friday to go to the Japanese baths and get fitted for nursing bras that don't suck. Those things will really help.

[thekitchenvixen.livejournal.com]

*sigh* I'm with you. It does seem like it will just go on forever. But it really doesn't. Once they hit 2 your body is just returning to some type of normalcy and you don't have to hold them and entertain them all.the.time.
You might even be done breastfeeding!

I know time crawls by soooo slowly with newborns, but just think of how short 2 years REALLY is.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

I get that. It's just an overwhelming day. I had a busy week at work. I'm officially back and it's going to take some adjustment. Plus, I struggle internally with conflicting desires to be a stay at home mom and the enjoyment of my job.

"Once they hit 2 your body is just returning to some type of normalcy"
This is a huge concern of mine. Do I wait until B is two before trying to get pregnant again? So that he can put his own shoes on and wipe his own butt before having another newborn? Three years apart sounds wise. But then.... why not just get pregnant again right away, so that I can just slam out the pregnancy and breastfeeding at once - then when I'm done I'm done. Why get my body back to some sort of normalcy only to 'screw it up" again? And let's be reasonable, in 3 years I'll be 36.... I can hear my eggs shriveling as I type this!

My life has gotten a whole hell of a lot more complicated.

[thekitchenvixen.livejournal.com]

My life has gotten a whole hell of a lot more complicated. Most moms go through what you are going through right now. Its totally normal. As for spacing of children... there are pros and cons either way you look at it. I think they just about break even. Just do whatever feels best for you!

I'm pretty positive I'm done. When my youngest is 10, I'll just be 31. God that sounds good to me!

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

My sister is 31 and her oldest is 9. On the flip side her 20s were much rougher than mine were. I felt a little bad sometimes because I was running around having fun, moving places, going out, etc and she was dealing with babysitting and affording children's clothing. I don't know. The voice in my head today says "Why are you worried about your PhD? You had 33 years to do your own thing? Why are you being selfish now? It's not your turn anymore!" Which I know is false voice and extreme, but there it is. And, of course, I wouldn't trade Benn for anything in world. Nothing.

I'm thinking of making a poll about when Adam and I should have our next one. :)