Having a premie

[theatokos]

Sometimes it is still difficult having a premie. I hate having to explain why our baby is so small when we go out. It's hard to hear how fast other babies are growing. Bennett is finally packing on the weight and it seems that each morning he is a little rounder, has a little more heft. But he's still small: probably over 8 lbs, maybe 8.5, and he'll be 12 weeks on Sat. Weight and feedings were so fraught for so many weeks. I feel like my confidence was undermined. My capitulation to the nightly bottle of formula comes from this. In all of Kaiser's determination to support breastfeeding, they actually intimidated me: did I need that much help? Doesn't the body produce enough to me the child's needs? Our nightly bottle/s of formula are doing good things for Bennett and for us, but I know that if B had been born "on time" we wouldn't be doing that.

I've been told not to compare my baby with others, since he's on a different schedule. This seems true. I don't see any signs that he is slow, struggling, sickly, etc. Still, I wonder if his lack of smiling at me and Adam is just his chill personality or a developmental problem. He's so chill around other people too, that I do long for him to smile just for me, just some recognition that I'm a little bit more special than other people. [ETA: He is smiling, there's just no discernable pattern, it's not gas. Maybe it's a me? Hard to say.]

I'm still harboring resentment for Bennett's month in the NICU. I joined a premie group on LJ and one mother who had her baby 6 weeks early only had to spend 6 days in the NICU! I feel cheated. I feel cheated, even though circumstances necessitated the NICU. B contracted a UTI, which in premies usually means that there is a valve that hasn't fully developed (50% of cases). But after doing some reading, two rounds of tests, and talking with my midwife and the pediatrician she consulted, it appears that Benn just got sick from the NICU. B is STILL on prophylactic antibiotics and Kaiser still has not called to arrange his final test so we can get off these meds. I am grateful that antibiotics exist, but I am very much against the overuse of them. My delivery, recovery and our time in the NICU had too many elements of ass-covering for my liking. These meds smack of it too.

Comments

[msmidge.livejournal.com]

I hear you. I was angry at/about the NICU and my midwife for a long time after Sam was born, and I also felt cheated. It eventually wore off, though I can't say when. Sam has remained on the very low end of the weight chart--he has been in about the 3rd percentile for at least the last year--so it might just be that B is a little guy anyway.

My sister-in-law had her baby around the due date, and she supposedly did not produce enough milk on her own and had to supplement with formula. I don't know if that was real or if it was her pediatrician making stuff up--something she seemed prone to doing--but maybe it is possible that the body doesn't always do it.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

No, there are many things that don't work at first - or at all - for breast feeding women. I felt everything was going fine and I was producing enough. But every new nurse would ask the same questions over again, and once out of the hospital and off their Schedule he wasn't gaining as quickly as they wanted and so they asked me all the questions, again.

I think B is going to be a lean little guy. He's getting pudgier, but he is by no means a fat chubby baby. I think he's going to be tall too. I also remind people that Adam, who is 6'1" and neither skinny nor fat, was in the 5lbs when he was born.

[lopezuna.livejournal.com]

Yes, explaining why your baby is so small gets very boring - "How old is the baby, 1 month?" "Ehh, no 5 months..." And then there is a silence, while you decide not to launch into the long long story that the stranger cares nothing about. I didn't think I minded, until one day a nice woman with a fine fat newborn asked me how old my midget 3 month old was. When she told me that her baby was 2 weeks old, instead of remarking on what a cute kid she had, I accidentally said the first thing that came into my head: "Oh my god, it's a monster!" You should have seen the look of horror on her face. She couldn't get away from me fast enough. It was such a terrible thing to say, but at the same time, saying it made me feel better. So looking on the bright side, it is unlikely that a random unhinged post-NICU mom will ever tell you your baby is a monster. And one day, soon, little B will smile at you, just you, and then all the nosy strangers will say you have a baby who is very advanced for his age!

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Ha! I often look at all the "fat" babies and think "they are GIANTS!" It amuses me. Our pediatrician thinks Bennett will be caught in size by 6 months, but.... I'm not convinced. But he is healthy and happy and looks like he's growing steadily, so that is relieving.

small is beautiful

[lopezuna.livejournal.com]

Just one thing, it's none of my business, but fighting with medical administration and billing is something I've done a lot of over the past 5 months. If you or the pediatrician haven't followed up with Kaiser about the VCUG, you might want to do so rather than waiting for them to call. I don't have personal experience with Kaiser, but I've had a bunch of experiences with crossed wires and orders getting lost or the wrong tests being ordered. My twin mottos are now "question everything," and "I don't wait for you to call me, I'll call you."

Re: small is beautiful

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the advice. I'm in agreement with you. I called my ped one week early to see if she'd schedule it then. She put the order in, but no one called me. So I have the number now. If they don't call tomorrow, I'm calling on Monday! Let's get this formality over with!

[mindycl.livejournal.com]

Preemies are hard. Shimon moshe began to smile at 14 weeks!!! He was eventually evaluated by EI and got OT and PT. if youre concerned you can apply for early intervention.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

I'm not really worried. My intuition says everything is fine, but I have been told we are on our milestone calendar and so everything's a little confusing. Like, what's just Bennett's personality vs his developmental rate vs being a preemie?

[mindycl.livejournal.com]

you have to gauge his developments by his adjusted age. sm began rolling over at 6 months (4 1/2 adjusted), sat at 8 months (6 1/2 adjusted) and so forth.

[kimsansf.livejournal.com]

Im sorry sweetie! I know it must be hard.... my little guy was slow to put on weight, long and super skinny. I hated going to see all the fam at christmas and hearing everyone say how tiny he was! :(

enjoy your beautiful little peanut! jhe wont be that small forever!