The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire....

[theatokos]

I haven't been posting much or anything of meaning lately, because I've been having a very difficult time. The sleep deprivation has been severe. Bennett has been waking every 1-2 hours at night and even when Adam decided to take a shift, Bennett often only wants boob or just to be near me. It's exhausting. Add to this my normal tendency toward anxiety and depression, a busy time at work, as well as the normal major life shift adjustments and well, it's been me staring at the abyss.

However, last night B slept for 5.5 hours straight and WOW! It's amazing what some sleep can do.

Bennett is an arsonist. Having him is like setting my life on fire. That phrase is very deliberate. My life is aflame and I have no idea what needs to burn to the ground or what I should douse and save. The flames throw much of the shape of my into relief, for better or worse. But the flames also throw shadows; sometimes I'm not sure what is real and what isn't.

It's been suggested to me that I get some sleeping pills to help at night, but that's not really the problem. I could go on anti-depressants, because yes, I am depressed. I know this. Is it post-partum depression? I've been struggling since February when I was 5 months pregnant.

While I hate the roller coaster ride of my mental state, I think that depression is useful. Clearly, something needs to change and I am not happy. I need to find ways to get more rest and more physical exercise (I have never in my life been this out of shape and unfit) - two things that help with self-esteem, mental health and general happiness. I know I need to get back to my (currently painful) practice of meditation. I know I need to figure some stuff out: job... PhD.... place, both temporary and longer-term... community...

2008 has been a hard year - not just for myself, but for most people I know. I am looking forward to starting 2009 with a vacation. An honest to god vacation. I will be with my family, in a quiet outdoorsy place. I can go walking in the morning with the kangaroos. I will have loving people around to watch Bennett so Adam and I can have some time together and I can have time by myself.

I don't feel very clear at all right now. Everything is a muddle. I want to *solve* this. I want to find the answers and get on with "it" already, but that's not how these things work. I'm tired of forcing the issue and Working Hard and Being Awesome, so I'm just gonna be over here burning up in the corner.

Comments

[thekitchenvixen.livejournal.com]

I'm so so sorry that you are having such a hard time of it. I think that the first baby's first year might be the hardest time in the life of a mom. Honestly after having my second I don't even remember what my body looked like pre-baby. I also am so conditioned to sleep-nursing and muddling about the house with my jammies on that it doesn't even phase me.
This time is really hard for most people. Its a really big test, and you and Adam clearly don't have the easiest situation of the lot. It sounds like you don't get much of a break at all, or have anyone around to help with Bennett.
I hope that your trip will be invigorating and healing. Having other people hold and entertain the baby even with you in the room is SO SO helpful. Just know that soon Bennett will be crawling and playing on his own a lot of the time. Life goes by too fast doesn't it?
Its good you are entertaining the possibility of dealing with your depression in some ways. I know you recommended the book Eat, Pray, Love to me. And I am almost finished reading it! There is a lot of talk in there about depression and meditation and self love and rituals.
My saving grace lately has been taking Liz Gilbert's advice, silly as it sounds. Allowing all the things I've been brooding over to simply dissolve away. In place of all my brooding, I've found some simple small rituals that have been really helping me lately. Having tea time every day. Plopping myself down and reading for pleasure whenever I get too stressed. Giving myself a hot bath at least once a week (WITH candles and bubbles). Not to mention the comfort food and vegging out in front of the tube ;)

I don't mean to sound preachy, and I know you are doing the absolute best you can right now. Babies can be really tough! But sometimes we all need a reminder to be gentle with ourselves.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Yes, gentleness and letting go is a BIG part of what I am learning right now. I've done a great job of letting go of house stuff - and while it's more cluttered and dirty, it's not filthy! So I count that as a success. I also don't mind being 20 lbs heavier than normal. The loose jiggly belly fat isn't appealing, whatever. I DO mind being unfit - out of breath walking up hills, being run down, aching after a 5 minute bike ride down hill, etc.

I don't know if you read much of my earlier posts but November sucked so badly. I had a virus for the entire month, from which I am just now recovering. That has taken a huge toll on my fitness efforts. Our apartment was also burgled just before Thanksgiving. Gah. And our hot water pressure is next to nonexistent so baths are out of the question. You can be sure we are actively looking for a new place to live!

I'm really glad to hear that you are taking good care of yourself. It's good to hear from you.

[thekitchenvixen.livejournal.com]

Sorry I haven't posted or commented to you at least. Livejournal was really getting unhealthy for me. I think I can be back on here, in a limited way, now.

I'm sorry about your illness and burglary, and I hope that soon things will look up for you. I know that I didn't give the best suggestions, but you got the point I'm sure. I'm sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

[erinya.livejournal.com]

I hear you. I got really tired of Working Hard (in an emotional/pyschological sense) last week, so I stopped. I felt instantly better. Giving myself space to be screwed up in and not worry about it really helped.

I wish I could offer something helpful to you but I don't know that I have anything. Except that you actually are awesome even when you don't think you're Being Awesome...you're strong and self-aware and you know what you need. And you're not going to feel like this forever.

[lopezuna.livejournal.com]

Sending sleepy baby vibes your way....

[sapphire-kittum.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain sweetie. I hate it when life is so messy and confusing too. *hugs*

Great news about Bennett sleeping for a long stretch! You must feel good from all that sleep. :D

[miss-swamp.livejournal.com]

Like a phoenix?

Babies are such good catalysts for whatever other changes might have already started. And then, yes, the sleep deprivation makes everything a thousand times harder. Remember when 5.5 hours left you bleary? I don't; now it would be heavenly. I absolutely don't want to let them CIO, but last night (this morning?) I was pretty close to just shutting them in their room and turning off the monitor.

It will be so good for you to get away and get a different perspective--and some rest. Not too long now, hang on!

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

I hope like a phoenix! How can so tiny a person be such a huge catalyst?

Yeah, it's weird, about the sleep. I used to not be able to function on less than 6 hours of sleep. Now.... HEAVEN.