The daily slog

[theatokos]

Yesterday was a good day. I felt balanced in my mood, in my time, in my efforts. I was able to even slash a few things from my to-do list because honestly, I didn't care. That's a good step in the perspective direction for me. Today, I'm back at work and struggling to keep balanced. I do not care about the tedium of this place. My slip is showing as it were, and I think the office can see. I may be quitting sooner than May. Don't know yet. Adam and I are waiting on getting more certain about the move before we make any announcements at work. Part of me feels like we're bat shit crazy for leaving steady jobs that we've just gotten raises in and attempting to move anywhere, much less to another country where jobs and visas aren't guaranteed, especially in this climate of economic upheaval. Completely crazy. And yet we are both itching to go.

It's a struggle to keep the pride in and energy for my paid work afloat when I am already mostly checked out. I think once I can be honest with my coworkers about quitting and about some of my concerns for the organization my attitude and efficiency will improve mightily.

What I really want to do is run as fast as I can from the office, waving my arms like Kermit the Frog, screaming "I DON'T CAAAAAAAARE!!!" I will fight this urge, I will fight this urge.

I consider my eventual quitting a wonderful act of generosity to the Bay Area employment pool. Surely there is some one who is going to be thrilled to be employed here.

Comments

[mindycl.livejournal.com]

where are you moving to?
I think you shouldnt move before you find a job there.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

We are thinking of moving to Wales. I am enrolled in, but on hiatus from, a PhD program there. I study theology. You know, good practical stuff for an economic crisis!

[msmidge.livejournal.com]

Oh, it's easy to stop yourself from running out screaming "I don't caaaaaaare!" The hard part is stopping yourself from saying it in quiet ways with everything you force yourself to do at work. Says me, as I go through the same struggle but with finishing my dissertation.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

YES. My posture screams I don't care. The lack of conversation with anyone screams I don't care. My demeanor on the phone screams I don't care.

BIG DEEP BREATH

I am sure once I get into the thick of my dissertation I'll feel the same again. You and me both, we're staring at the finish line. Go! Go! Go!

[erinya.livejournal.com]

What I really want to do is run as fast as I can from the office, waving my arms like Kermit the Frog, screaming "I DON'T CAAAAAAAARE!!!"

Oh man. I remember that one. It's HARD.

It sounds like you are both pretty certain about the move where it matters. The rest is just logistics.

[makeda55.livejournal.com]

Been there. It does make it easier to leave...

I am impressed by how much clarity you returned with.

Wales will be richer for having you, but those of us here will of course miss you. But what an adventure! David and I almost spent a couple of years in NZ, in the late 90s. There was a 2-year position available through Microsoft. Our lives would have been very, very different had we gone.

[mz-seshet.livejournal.com]

I'm going to volunteer to help you pack and then steal away in your suitcase, you crazy kid. My guess is the only way to get out of this global mess is to follow your heart and live in love.

And I think you should be authentic as soon as possible with your colleagues! Why wait? You're right, it will improve things. You never know, it may even ease your drive for immediate escape.

BTW - did you see loveandpowers post to Feri about her course on courting GodSelf? It caught my eye. And I think you and I sometimes struggle with some of the same stuff. So, maybe it would spark something in you too.