5 (more) questions
Nov. 12th, 2009 02:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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lillitu_shahar.
1. What is it like (really!) on a daily basis, to juggle the needs of a child, serious academic work with deadlines, a relationship with a partner, and a spiritual practice (among other things)? What gets cut out for you when things get hairy? What keeps you balanced and sane?
It's hard. It's focusing. I didn't realize how much free time I had before! Adam and I joke that we could've saved the world with all the time on our hands. Thankfully Bennett is healthy and easy going - if he wasn't then it would be really difficult. And attachment parenting is taxing work - I mean, it's an investment, and so so worth it! It would be a lot easier to sleep train or schedule or plop B in a play pen and go about things, but we are reaping the benefits of AP.
Before B came along I was doing 1.5 hours of yoga and meditation every morning. Well..... that hasn't happened once since B was born. And I'm guessing it'll be years before that happens again. And that's just how it is. I've learned to make do with smaller, less "impressive" feats. But strangely, I feel as "productive" as I did before. I can say with certainty that doing school was easier before having a child. I just don't have the focus, energy, or stamina to work like I used to. And I used to be able to study when the mood struck me, but now I have to study during certain times whether I feel like it or not. That is hard and I'm not adjusting well to that.
My relationship with my partner is radically different. Thankfully, I think parenting is bringing out the best in us. It's sharpening us both, like refining us, as well as honing our priorities. Our sex life is a shambles. But this will pass (again, it may be years before it's on the up swing again, but so be it).
What gets cut? Sadly, meditation and yoga gets cut. Usually B and I are awake at the same time and it's really hard to do yoga with a little boy who wants to climb all over me and give me hugs when I'm balancing on one leg! Maybe these things don't get cut entirely, but certainly curtailed. I've learned to do breathing and prayer while pushing the stroller. I also don't read like I used to.
But as much as my practice is curtailed, it is also what keeps me sane. Along with sleep. And really good food. Don't fall into the habit of eating easy, quick crap. Make sure it's nutritious and easy and quick!
I think having an involved, hands-on partner will also help. Even while breastfeeding, with Adam around I could go out and get 3-4 hours away once B was a few months old. Now, Adam can take B for most of a day. Even with breastfeeding and with AP you can, and in my opinion must, find time to get out and be your own person from time to time.
2. Tell me about your academic work and thesis.
Well, I'm studying the Virgin Mary through the lens of feminist and systematic theology. I'm focusing on the idea of Mary as co-redemptrix. Currently I'm 'working' (hahahahaha, thanks sickness!) on a paper looking at two different models of this idea.
3. In your opinion, in this place and time, what is the worst thing about being a mom?
I have to say that I am seriously surprised that I love being a mother as much as I do. I LOVE IT. I can't wait for the next baby. Coming home to Adam and Bennett is just about the best thing ever. Falling asleep with B's warm little body snuggled up to me - delicious. A house full of joyous noise and laughter? Sublime. But. The worst thing about being a mother.... I have two ideas to this question.
First, I am a changed person. I am far more sensitive than I was before. I cannot bear to read or hear about violence towards children. If I see a child that seems as if it needs attention or love or a warm coat, I'm torn up. Every child is my child now. And that's a lot to bear in this world.
Secondly, as a woman, as a mother, you cannot win. Some one will judge you. We know this, don't we, that women can never win: too fat, too thin, too pretty, too ugly, too fem, not fem enough, etc. But as a mother, we do this to eachother. I do have strong opinions about parenting and there are certain things I would never, ever do, encourage, or advocate. But, there is always going to be some other mother, or news article, or something, to tell you not to cosleep, or to cosleep, or you're a terrible mother if you don't breastfeed, or if you don't breastfeed past 12 months, or why can't you control your child? You're spoiling your child. You're not giving you child enough green vegetables. And on and on and on.
4. Create a pro and con list: Wales vs. Bay Area (daily quality of life)
Bay Area - pros: restaurants, Mexican food, sunshine, the scent of jasmine plants, November, biking, the opera, the amazing spiritual community/ies, the art and music scenes, the vibrant amazing open people, the smug feeling of being way ahead of the curve on so many fronts
Bay Area - cons: traffic, everything is so god awful expensive, the intense thrum and hum, the smog and air quality, kids can't play outside, the lack of nature, not being able to see the stars for all the light pollution, too many choices for everything, not being able to do it all and with kids feeling like I wasn't able to do anything, the violence and poverty, the smug self-righteous entitlement
Lampeter/Wales - pros: quiet, clean, safe, green, tasty clean tap water, most food is local and grass fed, easily found local organic dairy, friendly people, family/child friendly, free health care, less need and pressure for and reliance on stuff, my soul is happy, being able to hear the land, tea culture
Lampeter/Wales - cons: I now have to walk around in the rain, no Mexican food, no high cuisine, hard to get around, no live music or opera or arts to speak of, lack of good choirs, mold, no dryer
5. What are your thoughts these days about your spiritual practice and religion? How would you define and/or explain it to others?
In general, I try not to define or explain it to others! In fact, I actively avoid this. But since arriving it has been clear to me and so I am saying more and more, that I'm not really much of a Christian. I'm a big ol' pagan. Always have been, me thinks. And that's all I'm going to say about that.
lillitu_shahar. 1. What is it like (really!) on a daily basis, to juggle the needs of a child, serious academic work with deadlines, a relationship with a partner, and a spiritual practice (among other things)? What gets cut out for you when things get hairy? What keeps you balanced and sane?
It's hard. It's focusing. I didn't realize how much free time I had before! Adam and I joke that we could've saved the world with all the time on our hands. Thankfully Bennett is healthy and easy going - if he wasn't then it would be really difficult. And attachment parenting is taxing work - I mean, it's an investment, and so so worth it! It would be a lot easier to sleep train or schedule or plop B in a play pen and go about things, but we are reaping the benefits of AP.
Before B came along I was doing 1.5 hours of yoga and meditation every morning. Well..... that hasn't happened once since B was born. And I'm guessing it'll be years before that happens again. And that's just how it is. I've learned to make do with smaller, less "impressive" feats. But strangely, I feel as "productive" as I did before. I can say with certainty that doing school was easier before having a child. I just don't have the focus, energy, or stamina to work like I used to. And I used to be able to study when the mood struck me, but now I have to study during certain times whether I feel like it or not. That is hard and I'm not adjusting well to that.
My relationship with my partner is radically different. Thankfully, I think parenting is bringing out the best in us. It's sharpening us both, like refining us, as well as honing our priorities. Our sex life is a shambles. But this will pass (again, it may be years before it's on the up swing again, but so be it).
What gets cut? Sadly, meditation and yoga gets cut. Usually B and I are awake at the same time and it's really hard to do yoga with a little boy who wants to climb all over me and give me hugs when I'm balancing on one leg! Maybe these things don't get cut entirely, but certainly curtailed. I've learned to do breathing and prayer while pushing the stroller. I also don't read like I used to.
But as much as my practice is curtailed, it is also what keeps me sane. Along with sleep. And really good food. Don't fall into the habit of eating easy, quick crap. Make sure it's nutritious and easy and quick!
I think having an involved, hands-on partner will also help. Even while breastfeeding, with Adam around I could go out and get 3-4 hours away once B was a few months old. Now, Adam can take B for most of a day. Even with breastfeeding and with AP you can, and in my opinion must, find time to get out and be your own person from time to time.
2. Tell me about your academic work and thesis.
Well, I'm studying the Virgin Mary through the lens of feminist and systematic theology. I'm focusing on the idea of Mary as co-redemptrix. Currently I'm 'working' (hahahahaha, thanks sickness!) on a paper looking at two different models of this idea.
3. In your opinion, in this place and time, what is the worst thing about being a mom?
I have to say that I am seriously surprised that I love being a mother as much as I do. I LOVE IT. I can't wait for the next baby. Coming home to Adam and Bennett is just about the best thing ever. Falling asleep with B's warm little body snuggled up to me - delicious. A house full of joyous noise and laughter? Sublime. But. The worst thing about being a mother.... I have two ideas to this question.
First, I am a changed person. I am far more sensitive than I was before. I cannot bear to read or hear about violence towards children. If I see a child that seems as if it needs attention or love or a warm coat, I'm torn up. Every child is my child now. And that's a lot to bear in this world.
Secondly, as a woman, as a mother, you cannot win. Some one will judge you. We know this, don't we, that women can never win: too fat, too thin, too pretty, too ugly, too fem, not fem enough, etc. But as a mother, we do this to eachother. I do have strong opinions about parenting and there are certain things I would never, ever do, encourage, or advocate. But, there is always going to be some other mother, or news article, or something, to tell you not to cosleep, or to cosleep, or you're a terrible mother if you don't breastfeed, or if you don't breastfeed past 12 months, or why can't you control your child? You're spoiling your child. You're not giving you child enough green vegetables. And on and on and on.
4. Create a pro and con list: Wales vs. Bay Area (daily quality of life)
Bay Area - pros: restaurants, Mexican food, sunshine, the scent of jasmine plants, November, biking, the opera, the amazing spiritual community/ies, the art and music scenes, the vibrant amazing open people, the smug feeling of being way ahead of the curve on so many fronts
Bay Area - cons: traffic, everything is so god awful expensive, the intense thrum and hum, the smog and air quality, kids can't play outside, the lack of nature, not being able to see the stars for all the light pollution, too many choices for everything, not being able to do it all and with kids feeling like I wasn't able to do anything, the violence and poverty, the smug self-righteous entitlement
Lampeter/Wales - pros: quiet, clean, safe, green, tasty clean tap water, most food is local and grass fed, easily found local organic dairy, friendly people, family/child friendly, free health care, less need and pressure for and reliance on stuff, my soul is happy, being able to hear the land, tea culture
Lampeter/Wales - cons: I now have to walk around in the rain, no Mexican food, no high cuisine, hard to get around, no live music or opera or arts to speak of, lack of good choirs, mold, no dryer
5. What are your thoughts these days about your spiritual practice and religion? How would you define and/or explain it to others?
In general, I try not to define or explain it to others! In fact, I actively avoid this. But since arriving it has been clear to me and so I am saying more and more, that I'm not really much of a Christian. I'm a big ol' pagan. Always have been, me thinks. And that's all I'm going to say about that.
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no subject
Date: 2009-11-12 07:06 pm (UTC)I really like this approach. Among Jews, too much energy is expended defining and explaining (and justifying) ourselves. I think maybe in the future if I'm asked to explain or define myself, I will do so by saying that I'm inexplicable. :)
no subject
Date: 2009-11-12 08:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-13 02:40 am (UTC)I do agree with pretty much everything else, though. :D
no subject
Date: 2009-11-13 10:56 am (UTC)I did forget to put on the pro Bay Area list: California wine!
no subject
Date: 2009-11-13 02:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-13 06:11 pm (UTC)Oh, man, how did I not notice you'd missed the wine? :) CA Wine FTW!
no subject
Date: 2009-11-13 06:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-13 09:12 pm (UTC)I just can't wrap my head around this. Isn't parenting, no matter what your 'style' might be, taxing work? To say this the way you did completely turned me off. I always thought you to be open to all types of parenting but this statement seems as though you think you are doing something more for your child than someone who chooses to sleep train, or run life on a schedule. Neither of which are easy things to do. How do you know that the way you parent Bennett is any more beneficial than the way I parent Anna?
I don't get what benefits you are receiving from being an "AP" parent that could even validate that this form of parenting is superior to any other style.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-14 10:24 am (UTC)I am not a fan of, nor an advocate of, sleep training or most scheduling. And you're right, parenting period is hard work. You know, Adam called me to the mat last night for saying something equally thoughtless. I admit that while I try to be "live and let live" in practice, it is more of an intellectual exercise for me. There's a lot I don't agree with about the choices you've made, but Anna is perfectly happy and healthy and so are you, so I don't feel like I need or want to say anything. I'm not as open to other types of parenting - it's much more a case by case basis for me. But it's not one thing. I mean, choosing not to breastfeed alone isn't a "dealbreaker", but more the accumulation of many things. Just like, because some mom does breastfeed doesn't mean she and I are going to click or get along.
I'm a very selfish person so AP parenting, for me, is a real challenge. For 33 years I used to doing 14 activities and doing my own thing when I felt like it, coordinating groups, trying to be awesome at everything..... and my standards are lower now. So maybe my comments are more about me than anything else? But I do see the benefits of AP. Bennett has never had any stranger danger, he is super confident, he plays by himself well. When we play in groups here he is.... just different from other kids. I'm not saying smarter, or better, just more secure and listens more attentively and communicates more confidently. These are things that I've read are associated with AP. But. We have only one kid, so it could just be Bennett.
Have you seen the movie "Away We Go"? There is a part where the pregnant couple is visiting a bunch of different friends to figure out where to move to and one friend is this Ultra AP woman. They don't call it that, but it's hilarious. It totally swipes at extreme AP parenting. I think you'd be very amused. Adam and I were laughing out loud..... and at ourselves.
Part of it is here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdDerBz-TZ8)
and
here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6CMxvwRA-o&feature=related)
no subject
Date: 2009-11-14 01:41 pm (UTC)I have never seen that movie, but will watch. I won't lie, AP parenting sounds more like parents with attachment issues than a parenting style.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-14 02:35 pm (UTC)"AP parenting sounds more like parents with attachment issues than a parenting style." Yes and no. That's the struggle as parents, right? Do what is best for the kid, as the kid seems like s/he needs, and not parent our own issues through them. I admit freely that my bedsharing and sleep practices definitely come from my own issues as a kid. I wish it was different, but so far B seems to respond as though he likes it.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-14 02:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-14 04:39 pm (UTC)As much as I do cosleep, baby wear (not anymore, oof), still breastfeed, etc etc, it's important to be able to take the piss, as the Brits say. If we can't laugh at ourselves, we're doomed.