theatokos | Rape is never the victims fault

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Rape is never the victims fault

Women say some rape victims should take the blame

WHAT? I don't even need to read this entire article to know that women have internalized the hateful misogony of the patriarchy and suffer from self-loathing ideology. Why do women hate each other like this? Rape is NEVER the victim's fault. Even if you're comatose from drinking or you're walking naked down the street. Women make loads of stupid decisions all the time. And there are other consequences of the above actions: alcohol poisoning and the flu, perhaps. But rape? It is not a man's duty to 'punish' me for my stupid actions. Women and men may judge women who make stupid choices and think 'they got what they deserved', but that's not what it is about is it? No. It's about men thinking women are sex objects, that any woman who is passive enough is theirs for taking, that women are sub-human and do not have the dignity that men have. In cases of rape the blame is ALWAYS on the assailant. It is the perpetrator who cannot keep his hands (and other bits) to himself. It is HIS lack of self-control and his lack of honor for other living creatures.

I was date raped when I was 20. I take responsibility for my stupidness. I acknowledge that I was weak and had poor boundaries. I did not report it because it was so.... murky. I was up for fooling around. I was not up for sex. I said no. He didn't listen. We were in my bed. Am I to blame? If you say yes, defriend me right now.

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That's really disturbing. And I'm sorry that happened to you. How awful. Though if you had reported it, odds are the investigation would have been really frustrating and unsatisfactory. :/

One of the things that awakened me to radical feminism, I think, was learning about modesty laws in Judaism that exist because women shouldn't distract men with their voices or bodies by singing or wearing pants, because men can't control themselves. I was (and still am) outraged: if the men can't control themselves and the women can, why aren't the restrictions on *them*? And this is why I will never go to an orthodox synagogue.

i'm always saddened by the number of women who believe that by drinking and wearing a mini skirt a woman is "asking for it" or "deserved what she got". i do see that women who consistently put themselves in dubious situation are not making smart decisions for their safety, but to think that someone out there truly things that rape is adequate punishment and acceptable consequence... sick.

i don't care how you act, what you wear, or where you are, rape is never ok. ever. ever.

ugh.

"No" is such a simple, straightforward word. It doesn't seem open to much interpretation to me. "Stop" likewise.

I think that I have finally persuaded one of my partners that my default answer regarding sex is "yes, please! here?" ( ;) ) -- but until that point, which involved an fairly wide-ranging, detailed, pretty damned explicit conversation, he asked *every time.* Not just when we started, even, but explicitly before PiV intercourse regardless of what else I had already enthusiastically consented to. (And no -- believe me! -- that wasn't a mood-breaker!) And just for reference? That conversation was, I think, at least a year after we started having sex - maybe/probably more, since it's an LDR.

*That should be normal.* Not universal, maybe -- I'll settle, in most cases, for absolute respect of a verbal "No, stop" -- but normal.

"Rape is NEVER the victim's fault. (...) It is the perpetrator who cannot keep his hands (and other bits) to himself. It is HIS lack of self-control and his lack of honor for other living creatures."

YES, I'm with you here completely. Though I would like to add that HE or SHE (there are not just male rapists) has as well a huge lack of Selflove. This is not at all meant to excuse this kind of behavior (it's not and never excusable). Rapists are sick and need a lot of psychiatric help. I just have a huge problem with demonizing people and I think it is important to keep in mind, that it's the whole structure of the culture we are living in that creates that kind of illness. The first responsibility holds the rapist - yes! - but I see everyone of us as a culture to be partly responsible as well.

I'm very sorry for your experience and hope you find all the Power you need to heal it!

No! You were NOT to blame!

I heard this 'news item' on the radio this morning. I cannot believe that in the twenty-first century we are still having this offensive debate.

I agree with everything you have said ~ the only reason I didn't post about it myself was I guessed you, or someone else might.

*I take responsibility for my stupidness. And that is absolutely all you are required to do. Rape is about power & misogyny. Women are NOT responsible for a man's inability to control himself.

Thank you

And we live in a "Post- Feminist" world?
Patriarchal values are no longer the norm?
Doesn't seem so.
Young women must pick up the torch and raise your voices.
maybe some talk among young women about wise choices might be a good idea. If the culture isn't changing protection from those Patriarchal values is still necessary.

Women do this because they want to feel in control. The logic is that if rape happens when a woman does X, then if they themselves don't do X, they will never be raped.

This culture assumes that the default condition of women is consenting: if we don't explicitly change it by verbalizing a NO, then people have the right to stick things into us. Imagine if men's bodily integrity were understood the same way:

"Well, Your Honor, he didn't SAY he didn't want me to shove my boot up his ass, so I figured it was okay."

And I'm so sorry. Too many of us have been there.

I had an experience very similar to yours with a boyfriend who was an "ex" at the time. It was so murky, as you say, that not only didn't I report it, but I later dated him and slept with him again. Now I can't believe that I did that. :-P And you know why I did? Because (among other reasons) he convinced me that what happened was my fault and made me feel guilty for getting upset. He told me that "crying was blackmail"...

But I also blamed myself because I didn't want to feel like a victim or admit that at that moment, I had no control over what happened to me. I only really came to terms with what happened last year, when it became necessary for me to tell the story of what happened to another sex partner.

I do have to disagree with you that rape is always something that men do to women. I think there's a huge stigma for men about being victims of rape and that the idea that a man is "always up for it" and therefore can't be raped is harmful to everyone. To clarify: I do agree that the endemic societal problem is male-on-female rape. But the idea that women CAN'T rape men is a product of the same sick society that says women are always sexual objects and men are always sexual subjects. I agree with

gwydion1987 that feminism is not just a single-gender concept and that rape is not just a woman's issue. Gender, like sexuality, can be very fluid. If rape can ONLY happen to women, what about genderqueer people? Trans men? Trans women? What about male-on-male or woman-on-woman rape? It happens. My point is that rape IS about power, but the power differential is not always as simple as man>woman.

I have definitely been in situations where the power differential is switched from normal gender expectations. In such situations, I consider it completely my responsibility to ensure that I have full consent for whatever I choose to do with the other person. And that's how it should be--the person who holds the power in the situation also holds the responsibility, regardless of what genitals/gender identities are involved.

I am still concerned that in the quest for autonomy and self expression young women are ignoring the reality that young men will read their self expression as an invitation to sexual "liberties". Is it fair? No. Is it real ? LOL Silly question. So what are young women going to do about it? Cave in and be "good girls"? Do what they want and risk? What choices are young women making?
When is clothing "provocative"? What is a woman's responsibility if she wears it?
What activities are possibly dangerous? How does a young woman know and what does she do about it?
Since this is mainly about "date-rape" what is the responsibility of institutions - school community - to "protect" women? Does asking for protection put us back to "Victorian times"
Is there reality in strict Patriarchal religious taboos? You bet they are unfair. But is a burqa necessary if you live in Afghanistan?

There is a difference between men who are compelled to attack women they do not know and men who take advantage of women they do know. It has been discussed that in the first case rape is not sexual but a crime of hostility/rage directed toward a woman. But if a young man does not take no for an answer is that hostility or hormones? In both cases a woman is hurt and traumatized.

There are many questions to this issue. But whatever it is called it is a woman's issue. She is always the victim of a physical assault.

Ugh, yes, I felt ill hearing about this on the radio this morning. Totally, totally despicable. I do agree, to an extent, with the points being made above about the role our entire patriarchal culture plays in shaping people who go on to rape others, but living in a system of prejudice hardly mitigates individual responsibility for viciously enacting that prejudice. I have had more than one victim of sexual assault or rape crying down the phone to me because they thought no-one would ever believe them. That they had no faith at all in justice being done is a horrible indictment on our society.

i tend to address things from a personal level which is why such comments don't sit right with. i don't believe that the state of gender relations should be addressed solely on an institutional level and thus this comment kills me with it's lack of humanity.

frankly, twisty really shits me. even when i agree with what she's saying, which is more often than not, her attitude of "with us or against us" strikes me as hateful and empty. there's no gray area with her and she reminds me of a pat roberson or rush limbaugh with a different agenda. /tangent.

Unfortunately I was a victim blamer when I was younger. I didn't move past it until I had my own "fuzzy experiences". Can't call them rape, but I sure was taken advantage of by a few people.

I agree wholeheartedly with the person above who mentions it being an issue of control, but there's another harmful myth associated with rape being a so-called crime of passion. A lot of people seem to believe that only beautiful women are raped, but if an "ugly" woman is raped, she should count herself lucky that she attracted the attention of said rapist. It's that whole woman-against-woman attitude that our society can create.

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