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theatokosI offer the following diatribe in response to a friend’s post about happiness and some essays she read regarding materialism. Plus, my suggestions for happiness in the second cut.
Why does genuine happiness seem to be so hard to come by? We have more than we, as humans, have ever had before. For me, it’s easy to over-think happiness by virtue of my big fat brain and that I tend to have too much time on my hands. Modern conveniences have given us far more leisure time than our ancestors had. And that’s a good thing. But we also just plain have more, and are pressured into acquiring even more. That’s not such a good thing.
Since moving to Wales I’ve been happier than I’ve been in years. Despite money issues and wearing out my clothes, clothes I am unable at the moment to replace. Despite not having the hoity-toity restaurants I love. Despite being far away from people I love. Culling our things in preparation for the move was liberating. I can name about 5 things off the top of my head that I miss, most are kitchen items and one is our bed. The rest? I can barely remember what we owned. All the consumption and distraction from the US and cities feels profoundly overwhelming when I think of it. Who does all that consumption benefit anyway? Not me. Not you. Not the majority of third world workers who make our cheap shit. Not the environment. Not your kids.
Some rich dude out there is getting richer while we commute to a job we’re luke warm about to afford more stuff we think we need. We’re exhausted at the end of the day, no wonder we reach for pre-packaged food. Of course we need 4 sodas and 6 cups of coffee to get through the day. Of course we’re getting fatter: there’s no food in our food and our asses perpetually glued to a chair of some kind. But, since we’re getting fatter there are multiple diet aids and low fat foods we could try ‘because we’re worth it.’ And if our teeth were whiter we’d be more attractive, and let’s buy 41 different scented products to cover up the fact that we’re animals (scented shampoos, soaps, lotions, deodorants, perfumes, hair gels, toothpaste – everything has a synthetic scent). Don’t forget we spend part of our weekend driving from store to store to find more stuff at the lowest possible prices. Baloney, I say. When I’m feeling polite.
Much of that stuff gets in the way of spending time with our loved ones and ourselves, doing the things we want to do. I’m not saying that stuff or shopping are bad in and of themselves, I’m just saying that we are distracted. Our happiness doesn’t usually make anyone richer except ourselves, therefore it’s not encouraged. If we thought we were fine the way we are a lot of people would lose a lot of money when we stopped buying the latest X, buying diet books, or the fanciest face cream.
And so I offer you:
My suggestions for happiness.
I don’t say rules, because who needs more of those?
1. GET RID OF YOUR TV
At the very least, cancel your cable. Movies and television are fine via dvds, but standard cable and network television is the gateway to advertising. Want to reinforce empty gender stereotypes? Want to get your kids to whine at you for sugary foods and plastic crap? Want to feel like you’re not attractive enough? Then by all means keep your tv on.
2. CANCEL EXTRANEOUS MAGAZINE AND CATALOG SUBSCRIPTIONS
Also gateways to advertising. You don’t need catalogs reminding you every month (or more frequently) that there are pretty new things to purchase. When you want or need something new you know where to find it: stores and/or the internet. Cancel any magazine that says any version of “10 ways to make him happy in bed”, “Your best body now!”, or “6 new superfoods to rev up your metabolism”. There is nothing new here that you don’t already know. They just want to sell you something. If there’s a great article you want to read, you can probably find it on-line or at the library.
3. DON’T COMMUTE
Either move closer to your job, so you can walk, bike or use one form of public transportation, or find a job closer to you (or telecommute). Commuting is not only detrimental to the environment it’s hard on your pocketbook, waistline and happiness. (Some people absolutely love their commute or their job is amazing and makes commuting worth it. But mostly, this doesn’t seem to be the case, and I refuse to do it.)
4. EAT REAL FOOD
Get rid of anything in your cupboard that says ‘low fat’ or has more than one ingredient you either can’t pronounce or don’t know what it is. Most packaged food has little actual food in it. Animals won’t eat margarine. We’re animals. Eat butter. Fat is good. Preservatives, artificial colors, and fillers, like sugar and various corn- and milk-product offshoots are not. Stop drinking soda (or at least, multiple sodas a day). Your body is your temple, and you are what you eat. Sounds cheesy, but it’s true. Your cells, your blood, your flesh are made up of what you eat, and if you eat animal products, what those animals ate. Aren’t you worth more than petrochemical products and animal byproducts? I’m going to say, yes.
5. QUALITY, NOT QUANITY
You do not need 10 pairs of pants. You may want them, but you don’t need them (see the next two points). I am working toward having nicer and less of everything, which means not having as much. I’d much rather pay a lot more for something well made that will last and be something I am excited to use/wear, than something that falls apart and makes me go, enh. We are led to believe that we need bigger, more, fancier. But it’s just not true.
6. ELIMINATE ‘SHOULD’ FROM YOUR VOCABULARY. LEARN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ‘WANT’ AND ‘NEED’
Stop shoulding all over yourself. Should is nothing but another way to beat yourself up. You ‘should’ call Soandso back. No. You either want to or need to. You ‘shouldn’t’ eat that second piece of cake. Nonsense. You need to pee and breathe and eat. You want to have people like you (nothing inherently wrong with that). Should is a form of control, either external or internal. It’s guilt inducing, and there’s enough guilt in the world already. Replace the word should in your vocabulary with either want or need and see what happens.
7. EMBRACE BEAUTY
There is enough cheap crap in the world, when you see beauty embrace it. Art. Craft. Home made soup. Doesn’t have to be Fancy Culturally Approved ART. Wherever you find beauty, embrace it, cultivate it, make time for it, support it, bring it into your life.
8. MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF AND GUARD THAT TIME/SPACE WITH YOUR LIFE
A half-hour of reading a novel before bed? Yoga twice a week? Breakfast by yourself at 6am? 10 minutes of meditation at lunch? Your morning run? Dinner with your best friend every Friday? Whatever it is, do it, schedule it, prioritize it. This goes double for those who have kids.
9. PRACTICE GOOD POSTURE
Want to feel a little better? Want to look and feel more confident? Want to look slimmer? Want to be 150% more attractive? Want to look like you know what you’re doing? Stand up straight, take a deep breath, and smile. Works every time. Seriously. If you have chronically bad posture, find a chiropractor, yogi, Alexander method instructor, martial artist, someone to help you.
I haven’t mentioned anything here explicitly about exercise, which is known to release endorphins and blahdiblah and it will make you thinner and healthier and wouldn’t you like that? Mostly I feel like there is so much useless moralizing around The Workout and The Diet and Being Fit. Moving your body is supposed to be fun, not a Should. I think that if you’re out of your car more, eating more healthfully, doing things that make you happy and feel good, chances are good that you’re getting some more exercise right there. If you’re happy and healthy being 20 pounds (or whatever) overweight, more power to you. Dieting is just another form of the Cult of More, in my never humble opinion.
I also haven’t mentioned anything about other people. I think that if you are happy with and about yourself then you’ll start to find people who are also happy with and about themselves. I tend to find that drama queens are surrounded by drama queens. But I suppose I could add another suggestion:
10. WHEN YOU FIND GOOD FRIENDS, HOLD ON TO THEM
Good friends make life ten times more enjoyable. If you have only one good friend in all the world, cherish that friend. A friend of mine told me several years ago, you can always make new friends, you can’t ever make old ones. And, as I’ve come to learn over the last six years, internet friends do so count.
Why does genuine happiness seem to be so hard to come by? We have more than we, as humans, have ever had before. For me, it’s easy to over-think happiness by virtue of my big fat brain and that I tend to have too much time on my hands. Modern conveniences have given us far more leisure time than our ancestors had. And that’s a good thing. But we also just plain have more, and are pressured into acquiring even more. That’s not such a good thing.
Since moving to Wales I’ve been happier than I’ve been in years. Despite money issues and wearing out my clothes, clothes I am unable at the moment to replace. Despite not having the hoity-toity restaurants I love. Despite being far away from people I love. Culling our things in preparation for the move was liberating. I can name about 5 things off the top of my head that I miss, most are kitchen items and one is our bed. The rest? I can barely remember what we owned. All the consumption and distraction from the US and cities feels profoundly overwhelming when I think of it. Who does all that consumption benefit anyway? Not me. Not you. Not the majority of third world workers who make our cheap shit. Not the environment. Not your kids.
Some rich dude out there is getting richer while we commute to a job we’re luke warm about to afford more stuff we think we need. We’re exhausted at the end of the day, no wonder we reach for pre-packaged food. Of course we need 4 sodas and 6 cups of coffee to get through the day. Of course we’re getting fatter: there’s no food in our food and our asses perpetually glued to a chair of some kind. But, since we’re getting fatter there are multiple diet aids and low fat foods we could try ‘because we’re worth it.’ And if our teeth were whiter we’d be more attractive, and let’s buy 41 different scented products to cover up the fact that we’re animals (scented shampoos, soaps, lotions, deodorants, perfumes, hair gels, toothpaste – everything has a synthetic scent). Don’t forget we spend part of our weekend driving from store to store to find more stuff at the lowest possible prices. Baloney, I say. When I’m feeling polite.
Much of that stuff gets in the way of spending time with our loved ones and ourselves, doing the things we want to do. I’m not saying that stuff or shopping are bad in and of themselves, I’m just saying that we are distracted. Our happiness doesn’t usually make anyone richer except ourselves, therefore it’s not encouraged. If we thought we were fine the way we are a lot of people would lose a lot of money when we stopped buying the latest X, buying diet books, or the fanciest face cream.
And so I offer you:
My suggestions for happiness.
I don’t say rules, because who needs more of those?
1. GET RID OF YOUR TV
At the very least, cancel your cable. Movies and television are fine via dvds, but standard cable and network television is the gateway to advertising. Want to reinforce empty gender stereotypes? Want to get your kids to whine at you for sugary foods and plastic crap? Want to feel like you’re not attractive enough? Then by all means keep your tv on.
2. CANCEL EXTRANEOUS MAGAZINE AND CATALOG SUBSCRIPTIONS
Also gateways to advertising. You don’t need catalogs reminding you every month (or more frequently) that there are pretty new things to purchase. When you want or need something new you know where to find it: stores and/or the internet. Cancel any magazine that says any version of “10 ways to make him happy in bed”, “Your best body now!”, or “6 new superfoods to rev up your metabolism”. There is nothing new here that you don’t already know. They just want to sell you something. If there’s a great article you want to read, you can probably find it on-line or at the library.
3. DON’T COMMUTE
Either move closer to your job, so you can walk, bike or use one form of public transportation, or find a job closer to you (or telecommute). Commuting is not only detrimental to the environment it’s hard on your pocketbook, waistline and happiness. (Some people absolutely love their commute or their job is amazing and makes commuting worth it. But mostly, this doesn’t seem to be the case, and I refuse to do it.)
4. EAT REAL FOOD
Get rid of anything in your cupboard that says ‘low fat’ or has more than one ingredient you either can’t pronounce or don’t know what it is. Most packaged food has little actual food in it. Animals won’t eat margarine. We’re animals. Eat butter. Fat is good. Preservatives, artificial colors, and fillers, like sugar and various corn- and milk-product offshoots are not. Stop drinking soda (or at least, multiple sodas a day). Your body is your temple, and you are what you eat. Sounds cheesy, but it’s true. Your cells, your blood, your flesh are made up of what you eat, and if you eat animal products, what those animals ate. Aren’t you worth more than petrochemical products and animal byproducts? I’m going to say, yes.
5. QUALITY, NOT QUANITY
You do not need 10 pairs of pants. You may want them, but you don’t need them (see the next two points). I am working toward having nicer and less of everything, which means not having as much. I’d much rather pay a lot more for something well made that will last and be something I am excited to use/wear, than something that falls apart and makes me go, enh. We are led to believe that we need bigger, more, fancier. But it’s just not true.
6. ELIMINATE ‘SHOULD’ FROM YOUR VOCABULARY. LEARN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ‘WANT’ AND ‘NEED’
Stop shoulding all over yourself. Should is nothing but another way to beat yourself up. You ‘should’ call Soandso back. No. You either want to or need to. You ‘shouldn’t’ eat that second piece of cake. Nonsense. You need to pee and breathe and eat. You want to have people like you (nothing inherently wrong with that). Should is a form of control, either external or internal. It’s guilt inducing, and there’s enough guilt in the world already. Replace the word should in your vocabulary with either want or need and see what happens.
7. EMBRACE BEAUTY
There is enough cheap crap in the world, when you see beauty embrace it. Art. Craft. Home made soup. Doesn’t have to be Fancy Culturally Approved ART. Wherever you find beauty, embrace it, cultivate it, make time for it, support it, bring it into your life.
8. MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF AND GUARD THAT TIME/SPACE WITH YOUR LIFE
A half-hour of reading a novel before bed? Yoga twice a week? Breakfast by yourself at 6am? 10 minutes of meditation at lunch? Your morning run? Dinner with your best friend every Friday? Whatever it is, do it, schedule it, prioritize it. This goes double for those who have kids.
9. PRACTICE GOOD POSTURE
Want to feel a little better? Want to look and feel more confident? Want to look slimmer? Want to be 150% more attractive? Want to look like you know what you’re doing? Stand up straight, take a deep breath, and smile. Works every time. Seriously. If you have chronically bad posture, find a chiropractor, yogi, Alexander method instructor, martial artist, someone to help you.
I haven’t mentioned anything here explicitly about exercise, which is known to release endorphins and blahdiblah and it will make you thinner and healthier and wouldn’t you like that? Mostly I feel like there is so much useless moralizing around The Workout and The Diet and Being Fit. Moving your body is supposed to be fun, not a Should. I think that if you’re out of your car more, eating more healthfully, doing things that make you happy and feel good, chances are good that you’re getting some more exercise right there. If you’re happy and healthy being 20 pounds (or whatever) overweight, more power to you. Dieting is just another form of the Cult of More, in my never humble opinion.
I also haven’t mentioned anything about other people. I think that if you are happy with and about yourself then you’ll start to find people who are also happy with and about themselves. I tend to find that drama queens are surrounded by drama queens. But I suppose I could add another suggestion:
10. WHEN YOU FIND GOOD FRIENDS, HOLD ON TO THEM
Good friends make life ten times more enjoyable. If you have only one good friend in all the world, cherish that friend. A friend of mine told me several years ago, you can always make new friends, you can’t ever make old ones. And, as I’ve come to learn over the last six years, internet friends do so count.
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no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 01:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 04:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 06:00 pm (UTC)I will come back later....but wanted you to know I've now read (twice), and love you for writing this.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 09:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 09:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 09:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-09 10:57 pm (UTC)But there is a problem with the commute. My husband worked for a big corporation that played building checkers. Move into a new building and get all the bargains for doing so. When they expire move out and find a new set of bargains. This meant the offices moved every two to five years. Some times it was a short move sometimes it meant an hours commute or more. The Corporation was also fond of moving departments from one location to another.
Finding a new job wasn't an option. This one paid the bills and was part of a "career". After a certain age moving from one job to another is not an option. And in these hard times leaving a job may mean no job.
Sometimes the less than ideal must be lived with an made the best of.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 12:23 am (UTC)It's impossible here, unless by commute you mean "by car". Living within walking distance of work in this town means paying $700+ a week in rent. Living within walking distance of satellite CBD's means paying $500pw in rent. We would have to sacrifice *everything* to do it, and we would struggle severely even then. Commute is part of a compromise between managing financially, being near family, having space for ninja to live and play, having time to actually raise ninja, and so forth.
(Heh, also, ironically this is another list of shoulds ;p)
no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 02:09 am (UTC)That said, I love my job and my career and my kids' sitter, and the 15-minute drive to work doesn't stress me out in the least.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 07:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 08:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 08:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 08:31 am (UTC)I also feel like, after living in CA, that a 15 min drive to work hardly counts as a commute!
no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 09:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 10:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 10:22 am (UTC)Although we actually do a lot of things on that list by default. I watch 90% of the tv I do in downloaded form, and tv for ninja is advertising-free. Don't have any subscriptions. Don't buy heaps of anything because we simply can't afford to. I have me time, *I* don't commute (although Troy does). Blah blah, etc.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 10:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 10:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 01:38 pm (UTC)& especially this: you can always make new friends, you can’t ever make old ones