(no subject)

[theatokos]

Today is the Transfiguration of Jesus, when he went up on the mountain and met Moses and Elijah and glowed with the light of God and God came in a cloud and told the apostles lucky enough to be up there to listen to His son. I don't really get what that's all about but I know that it brings me some comfort after a restless night with a dark spot in my spirit. I'm trying to banish a stain of guilt, sadness, and fear. A little transfiguration of my own would go far.

But, I have been able to watch the sun rise over the city and this little town that is waking up, going from silent to honks and motion. There is joy in being up while it's still dark.

Comments

Yes

[howilearned.livejournal.com]

one of my favorite life-moments is waking up in the darkness, especially when it is raining...
...there something quieting about it...

[goddessofmercy.livejournal.com]

I'm trying to banish a stain of guilt, sadness, and fear.
well that doesn't sound like fun times. i hug you and am here if you need anything.

Moving a discussion to a new location

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

I started to add this to the much longer discussion on your page, but it's pertinent here. It's essentially why I freaked out. I was talking about love and LA being scary and I really freaked myself out with that little comment to you. Putting that stuff into words and then talking about it with Adam.... hoo-boy, commitment issues here we come. I have some issues and patterns in my past relationships that I have no intention of repeating, but I'm 2 for 2 so I'm wary. Besides that, including another person in my decision making process is a really big deal. It's why I was up at 5.30 this morning. Just couldn't sleep.

Re: Moving a discussion to a new location

[goddessofmercy.livejournal.com]

I was talking about love and LA being scary and I really freaked myself out with that little comment to you. Putting that stuff into words and then talking about it with Adam.... hoo-boy, commitment issues here we come.
woo hoo, check out the new venue for this lovely topic. sorry i didn't reply earlier, but weekends are just the worst time for email and lj for me. maybe someday our fucked up internet issue will be fixed. anyway... commitment issues = big shit to work through. my friend diedre and i were just discussing this because she and her boyfriend of 4 years just broke up. there is something so scary, exhilarating and unnerving about not being a singular unit anymore. sometimes i have flashes of single-ness, where i think about how much easier certain things would be if i was still single, or where i just get scared by the depth of my feelings. its hard not to worry about things that mean so much and have so much of your heart wrapped up in them.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

No problem about the speediness of your replies, I've figure out that you don't get to a computer on the weekends.

Part of my freak out was facing some deeply wedged issues from my past, but also realizing that not facing them inevitably means making the same mistakes over and over again. Plus, saying yes and choosing is harder than saying no and rejecting. Coming to some specific conclusions in the last few days has been incredibly liberating, but also has clearly shown me where my heart is - which means everything is laid out for possible disappointment (so the fear implies, although risk also implies a possiblity of success too). Adam and I talked a lot this weekend, so my freak out has passed. .... hmmmm this is all so vague, no?

[goddessofmercy.livejournal.com]

yeah, it is sad truth that me and weekend computer time are unmixy things.

Part of my freak out was facing some deeply wedged issues from my past, but also realizing that not facing them inevitably means making the same mistakes over and over again.
totally understandable. imo the thing about a relationship, at least a good one, is that it gives you many opportunities to work through shit. some stuff you knew you needed to work on, and other stuff that never would have reared its ugly little head if you hadn't had to fit your life with another's. and knowing that it is better to confront and move through than avoid is a big deal. i am constantly surprised at the sheer number of people who feel avoidance, or starting over, is the key. i'm so glad you and adam have talked about all this. wonderful that this is something that can be acknowledged between you two. but i do understand how scary it is to risk your heart. i feel this way about making new friends, female especially. because i've been so incredibly burned by women my whole life, it has at points been harder for me to trust in friendship than in a relationship. but thats my own shit, i'm just glad you feel comfortable talking with me about a little of yours.

Women can be such bitches

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

I've been incredibly blessed by Adam's friends in my life. Just about every single one of them has been someone I genuinely like and want as a friend of my own. (hey, that's you!) Actually, I think you and I have an independent relationship of the boys, which I really like. I'm pretty sure I would've wanted to know you had I met you without Chris and Adam.

Adam and I work pretty hard at communicating, even when we don't want to. It's been nothing but a good thing. I have been prone to avoidance and starting over (doing the latter in the most hurtful and unhealthy of ways). But no more!

Re: Women can be such bitches

[goddessofmercy.livejournal.com]

I've been incredibly blessed by Adam's friends in my life.
yeah, we are a fabulous lot aren't we?;) just kidding. i agree, i think we would have gravitated into friendship regardless of the adam/chris connection and that has lead us to have our own special link. i'm very, very grateful for it. it has sometimes seemed harder to find a good friend than a boyfriend, but i take friendship very seriously and i know not everyone else does. remind me sometime, and i'll tell you the (kind of) funny stories about past friendships gone arry.

Adam and I work pretty hard at communicating, even when we don't want to. It's been nothing but a good thing.
what wonderful to me is that you both have fears and insecurities but you are both willing to do whats necessary because you care about each other so much. its wonderful to see that my friend adam has that with you. and its wonderful to see my new friend nikki has that with my old friend adam.