Menstruation

[theatokos]

I received the following letter in an email :

ACTUAL LETTER TO PROCTOR AND GAMBLE

This is a letter written to one of the top executives at Proctor and Gamble. Means a bit more to the gals than the guys.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my 'time of the month' is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As Branch Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period".

"Are you [f-bomb] kidding me?" What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that's a promise I will keep... Always.

Best,

Wendy Aarons

Austin TX


Here was

That's pretty hilarious, but... well, not all periods are that heinous. Once out of my teens and early twenties, mostly thanks to the pill, I have not minded bleeding. Of course, relying on pharmaceuticals is no good, but still. Her responses are the flip side of the patriarchal "make periods absent from the world via scent and secrecy" coin. Her hyperbole reminds us that men are in charge of the menstrual world, but also reinforces the idea that bleeding sucks always and while, yes, it mostly does, I refuse to continue the female-body bashing this type of writing reinforces.

I abandon this dilemma by not giving the patriarchal petro-chemical companies any more money. Ever. No more will I shove bleached and chemically ravished cotton produces into my vagina. I instead buy washable luna pads* from a women-owned and operated company. I spent less than $100 and won't have to buy menstrual products again for years. Of course, I can't run around in tight white shorts on days I have my period, but I would never wear tight white shorts anyway! Normally, I don't want to wear my tightest pair of pants when I'm on my period anyway.

Bleeding is inconveniencing and often the PMS symptoms are worse than the blood. But I'm a woman and it's what my body does. I can either cope and adapt or perpetuate the attitude that I ashamed of, disgusted by, or let down by my body.

Here's to truly happy periods for all-
N

*

Comments

[eelsalad.livejournal.com]

Hah! I think I've seen that forward before and it's always cracked me up.

I come from a long line of women with dysfunctional uterii. The only time my periods haven't sucked royally is when I was on the pill. On my mother's side of the family, every female does. I'm talking hyperventilation-inducing cramps, gushing blood, bleeding for nine days, that kind of thing. Not every month, but a good 50%-60% of 'em.

One of the folks I follow on LJ, naamah_darling has periods that make even MY hair stand on end. Excruciating pain, gushing blood, you name it. (She writes about them hilariously (http://naamah-darling.livejournal.com/319751.html)).

So no, not all periods are that heinous. But some are. I bet whoever wrote that forward is from this end of the spectrum. :) I don't think it's woman hating to hate what my body does to me every month.

I throw the horns to Lunapads, though. When I was still gushing, I used them and a divacup and LOVED IT. Way healthier and easier and cheaper than pads and tampons.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Actually, I am one of those women who had truly heinous periods. One of my more humiliating moments was 10th grade, crawling on my hands and knees to the nurse's office because my cramps were so bad. Or there was that time in college when my room mate found me in the cafeteria bathroom and had to call the biggest guy on our floor to come carry me back to my room. Or the time in 8th grade at sleep over when I stood up to go to the bathroom and the blood was running down my leg.

So yeah, I get it. The Pill *saved me*. I don't think it's woman-hating to have struggles with one's own body, but I DO think that the menstrual industry encourages us to be body hating, even if we don't have severe periods.

[lillitu-shahar.livejournal.com]

hoo-ee! that was hilarious. i don't have the heinous periods she seems to, in fact- i look forward to mine as a release from hormonal build-up, but i appreciate the over-the-top humor.

i personally use the cloth pads and tried the diva cup. but like tampons, inserting things into the vag during bleed-time makes me uncomfortable and crampy. i know many that swear by it, though.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday yesterday!!!!