On being a new mom

[theatokos]

Gentleness. It's all about adjusting and gentleness. Being gentle with Benn, even in the middle of a crying jag, is easy. Being gentle with myself, at 4am, trying to change a diaper when all of my fingers have turned to thumbs and I can't stay awake long enough to even keep B on the boob is much harder.

Last night should've been a triumph: B slept for 5 hours straight. No shit. And then he slept for 3 more hours. I was so exhausted, but kept waking up to make sure he was alive. I've had it drilled into me that he needs to eat every 3-4 hours. But I've also been told repeatedly to let a sleeping baby sleep. Ack! B went nearly 10 hours with out a substantial meal. ....And he survived. I barely did. I think getting so much sleep at once only highlighted my exhaustion. I have done nothing all day. And felt worried about that all day long.

How am I ever going to do all the things I like doing? Work, my degree, yoga, my spiritual practices, cooking and being domestic, sing - all while having an infant?

Right. Gentleness and adjustment. Adam reminds me that I'm only in the middle of my second week of having B home. We've hardly settled in and we're still decompressing from the 4 week ordeal that was the NICU and my mother's 2 week stay. Gah. I'm an overachiever. I don't want to be the woman who has a child and turns into the person who doesn't shower for days on end, only wears sweats (I don't own any of those, so I'm safe there), and neglects all her friends and ambitions, watching reruns of Oprah and then waking up at 40 and wondering where her youth went. Catastrophizing? Me? No.....

Still, it's hard not to be depressed when I'm sitting at the dining table, with B in my lap, eating a Safeway frozen dinner of lemon chicken (Adam's mother bought us a freezer full of frozen, factory meat filled, safeway dinners. Thoughtful, but, ew). Basically it's like some one threw up chicken chunks and pasta and then doused it in lemon juice to disguise the smell. The meal is coupled with a glass of the blandest chardonnay, a bottle of Weston chardonnay (avoid this) that Adam's aunt got us. Adam's family, generous, but lacking any interest in food whatsoever.

I just didn't have the desire to cook tonight and Adam is out. I think the rest of the evening is going to involve me smooching my baby and watching Scrubs.

I know I can find a balance in my new life. I am even more inspired than I was before to do things that I really want to do. But gentleness, patience, and adjustment - I must keep reminding myself of these things.

Overall though, for all of my fears (I thought I had choked Benn today when I gave him his vitamins, and I fear sometimes that if I don't wake him every 3 hours to force feed him he'll never gain weight), I love being a mother. Really. It's way more amazing and lovely and inspiring and beautiful than I ever expected.

Comments

[said-by-me.livejournal.com]

It is all about gentleness and patience, with him and with yourself.

You are doing awesome sweetie

[mindycl.livejournal.com]

All of things will happen, they will return, life will fall into place. Right now youre not meant to, and not supposed to, do any of those things. right now you just have to pamper yourself and take care of your son. before 3 months postpartum dont even think about returning to 'normal' life.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

This is good perspective. Thank you. Three months makes a lot of sense. PLus, I also laugh with Adam about how once we get in a groove, B will enter some new phase and we'll have to adjust all over again!

[mindycl.livejournal.com]

nah. at3 months they stop crying so much, can entertain themselves for short spurts of time by staring at a mobile or batting at overhanging objects, have predictable schedules... until they become mobile, at about 5 months, then they love being in bouncers and exersaucers and want more attention :). take it a day at a time! new motherhood is exhausting and overhwleming, and you think youre never gonna get back to normal. then suddenly you just are!

[msmidge.livejournal.com]

It sounds to me like your mind is still sharp and you're still yourself--just tired and in the middle of a huge learning curve unlike anything else you will probably ever have to experience. God bless that child for sleeping so much! (Though I did the same thing, waking up to make sure he was still alive, when Sam first was home from the NICU. So frustrating to know you should be taking advantage of sleep time but not being able to!)

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Yes! And, oh my goodness, the next person who tells me to get some rest..... ai yi yi. I'm trying people!

It would be pretty remarkable if Benn started sleeping in 5 hour chunks. But I wouldn't mind! I'll just have to convince my subconscious that it's ok. :)

[snowcalla.livejournal.com]

This stage doesn't last long...it isn't long and they sleep through the night, hold thier own bottle/cup/spoon, use the toilet.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

I look forward to Benn being fat and me saying "It's so hard to remember when he was so tiny!" It seems like he's never going to be a big baby. It's like a reverse diet - we want fat!!

[honeyrider.livejournal.com]

the first 3 months of being a mom is ALL about patience, gentleness, and adjustment. you'll get to do everything you want to do and more -- it's just a matter of time.

[kimsansf.livejournal.com]

mama i think its totally normal to do and feel all those things. it seems impossible now, but you will get your life back to some degree...it will be different for sure, but you will start someday to do the things you used to do again.

and i totally obsessed over checking jackson's breathing all the time... i still do. LOL! I had a sleepy baby too who would NOT wake up to eat and it stressed me out alot too.

*hugs*

[hrafntinna.livejournal.com]

You're going to be fine.

When you feel like it, maybe you could sing to him.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

I did that a TON in the NICU. I think I sang him almost every song I know the lyrics to, even partially. My going to bed song is My Funny Valentine.