Mommy meltdown and recovery

[theatokos]

Holy crap. Is this what I signed up for?

Car share to run errands. Should've stopped while at Whole Foods and nursed and chilled. B hates car seats and after being awesome for the first two stops (birth cert - he's legal! groceries - we'll eat!) he had a melt down. Began as a standard "I'm hungry and I hate car seats" fussy fit. So we stopped and nursed for 15 min. But then at the next stop. I was gone for 90 seconds when I came back he was in convulsions. Like, he looked like he was in pain and choking. Bug eyed. Red, sweaty, swollen face with tears streaming and a cry/scream I'd never heard before. My heart has not leapt out of my chest like that ever before. If Adam wasn't calm I think I would've freaked completely. I jumped into the back seat (car not moving) and got him out of the seat and clutched him to my chest. We decided to drive home that way. No car seat. It took most of the way home to de-escalate. I sang and rocked and held close.

I still want to cry. Even though as soon as we got into the house and had a 5 minute nurse he was a-okay. He's now sitting in Adam's lap talking up a storm, smiling and chill. Me? I'm a wreck. I need to cry (not like it's there, but I can feel it all gunked up inside of me). I have a stiff drink next to me. I am breathing.

And grateful that all was fine driving home with him not in a car seat and that the only person who will have trauma from this afternoon is me.

Brain and heart and body. I have officially learned that these are three different mechanisms. I have learned today that being a mother means opening myself up to moments of panic unlike any I've ever experienced before. I have every thing to lose.

Comments

[bloodfever.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel, we just had an episode like that. Fine to screeching at the top of his lungs, going bright red and crying real tears in the space of about 30 seconds.

After 15 minutes of hysterical screaming I was beginning to panic and was crying right along with him, which doesn't help anyone. We tried everything obvious before turning to the internet which told me something I already knew but didn't think of and I turned on the vacuum cleaner. Which, thank god, calmed him down almost straight away.

He's been sleeping for about 45 minutes now and I'm still shakey and could use a strong drink myself.

There is no way that anyone can be prepared beforehand for the responses that this mothering caper brings.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

People told me all sorts of things, but there is no way for the head knowledge to sink in the way experiential knowledge does. Not in this adventure! That evolutionary tie is STRONG. It's crazy. Like, literally, I feel crazy sometimes.

[keypike.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you said this - because I feel crazy sometimes too! The desire to protect him from any sort of harm is overwhelming.