Mommy meltdown and recovery

[theatokos]

Holy crap. Is this what I signed up for?

Car share to run errands. Should've stopped while at Whole Foods and nursed and chilled. B hates car seats and after being awesome for the first two stops (birth cert - he's legal! groceries - we'll eat!) he had a melt down. Began as a standard "I'm hungry and I hate car seats" fussy fit. So we stopped and nursed for 15 min. But then at the next stop. I was gone for 90 seconds when I came back he was in convulsions. Like, he looked like he was in pain and choking. Bug eyed. Red, sweaty, swollen face with tears streaming and a cry/scream I'd never heard before. My heart has not leapt out of my chest like that ever before. If Adam wasn't calm I think I would've freaked completely. I jumped into the back seat (car not moving) and got him out of the seat and clutched him to my chest. We decided to drive home that way. No car seat. It took most of the way home to de-escalate. I sang and rocked and held close.

I still want to cry. Even though as soon as we got into the house and had a 5 minute nurse he was a-okay. He's now sitting in Adam's lap talking up a storm, smiling and chill. Me? I'm a wreck. I need to cry (not like it's there, but I can feel it all gunked up inside of me). I have a stiff drink next to me. I am breathing.

And grateful that all was fine driving home with him not in a car seat and that the only person who will have trauma from this afternoon is me.

Brain and heart and body. I have officially learned that these are three different mechanisms. I have learned today that being a mother means opening myself up to moments of panic unlike any I've ever experienced before. I have every thing to lose.

Comments

[said-by-me.livejournal.com]

Oh honey, what a crappy day

It does get easier I promise, just not for awhile

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Yeah, it was a hard day! B also slept horribly the night before (night before last) - needing to comfort nurse every 2 hours. Whoa. B is usually so mellow! So that was a huge surprise.

[baileywicked.livejournal.com]

wow- I hate when my baby cries like she is in pain and is inconsolable- it breaks my heart

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

When I think of any baby any where having to scream and cry like that with no one paying attention .... oh, I can't even think of it! I choke up. It's just awful.

[sapphire-kittum.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, you just had me in chills! I'm so sorry that this happened to you, and I hope that you've both recovered from the shock of a lifetime by now.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Oh he's fine! It's me that might need therapy!

[erinya.livejournal.com]

Poor mom. *sends you hugs* I've seen motherhood described as living with your heart outside of your body.

I'm glad he is okay. I hope the stiff drink and breathing helps and that you're able to have your cry if that's what you need.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Heart outside the body. That's a great way to describe it. I'm learning things about myself, my emotions, my capacities I never knew! Parenting is not for the feint of heart!

[(Anonymous)]

Oh no! Poor you and sweet Benn. I love you.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

I love you too.

[msmidge.livejournal.com]

Man. I don't miss that kind of thing. Hope the rest of your day was much better!

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Yes, it was. As soon as we got home all was miraculously better. Today will be a safe, stay at home, regular sort of day. At the very least *I* need to recover!

[miss-malloreee.livejournal.com]

These are the kind of cries that make me feel like I'm going to go insane.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Yes!! Oh it's just awful. Is this what Anna does regularly?? Poor, sweet girl! And you!

Deep breaths.

[miss-malloreee.livejournal.com]

yes. it is terrible, we are down to one of these fits per day now. some days we skip it all together. she used to cry like that off & on all day long, then from 6pm on, then 8pm on. i don't miss those days!

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Oh no. I am so so relieved for you (and her) that she is growing out of them. I don't know how you haven't lost your mind already.

[bloodfever.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel, we just had an episode like that. Fine to screeching at the top of his lungs, going bright red and crying real tears in the space of about 30 seconds.

After 15 minutes of hysterical screaming I was beginning to panic and was crying right along with him, which doesn't help anyone. We tried everything obvious before turning to the internet which told me something I already knew but didn't think of and I turned on the vacuum cleaner. Which, thank god, calmed him down almost straight away.

He's been sleeping for about 45 minutes now and I'm still shakey and could use a strong drink myself.

There is no way that anyone can be prepared beforehand for the responses that this mothering caper brings.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

People told me all sorts of things, but there is no way for the head knowledge to sink in the way experiential knowledge does. Not in this adventure! That evolutionary tie is STRONG. It's crazy. Like, literally, I feel crazy sometimes.

[keypike.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you said this - because I feel crazy sometimes too! The desire to protect him from any sort of harm is overwhelming.

[keypike.livejournal.com]

You're a good mom.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I know I am. :)

[mz-seshet.livejournal.com]

As frustrating as it was for me, I learned my little one could only handle two-errand days at most - unless it was a walk to the park. They're sensitive buggers - and they will enforce their law of laze-abouts.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

The hard part is that not having a car, when we get car share we have about 5 things that need to be done. But, we've decided that next time we will schedule in a half hour nursing break. Just chill and play and feed. And we will ride in back with him. No more him all by himself back there. He's hardly ever alone!

[teamrose.livejournal.com]

Car rides are not fun with Sophie, either. She will be good for awhile but after that it's a big GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE fit of crying. These are the cries that break. me. down. and stir me up. We learned that if someone sits in the back seat with her, she is much calmer ad doesn't get upset and when she does all we have to do is talk to her and smile, she calms right down!

Children are resilient, mommys not so much. Which is why I could totally use a stiff drink and good conversation.

Nothing anyone says will prepare you for certain situations or help you handle the emotions that bombard you when hit with a situation like this. It's a total hands on, learn while you go, roll with the punches, type of thing. But you're a totally awesome mom and your doing perfect..duh!