My frightening need for PLANS

[theatokos]

This is for all those who are parents, especially those who are stay at home parents, whether that's one day a week or full time. I need your experience and advice.

Today is a particularly off day for me, because I'm tired: it's been a busy week at work and last night had me at work (with B) unexpectedly for 5 hours. Then, I hit the grocery store and came home to roast a chicken for the potluck we hosted. I was beat and remain so today. I don't want to do anything expect veg out. But I have a baby who doesn't play by himself - sometimes he will for at most 10 minutes. Being held, touching and eye contact, are his most favorite things ever. I love this about Bennett, but I can hardly get anything done - either home-wise or personally.

When I introduced All About Bennett Thursdays, this was a revelation. A day wholly about Bennett was a load of fun, but I knew that it was only once a week. For one day I could go completely according to B's patterns and desires. Super fun and actually pretty easy.

But I can't do that every day. One, because stuff needs to get done, and two, because I am freakish about Plans. I don't like this about myself, but I will say it is what keeps me organized and way more productive than a lot people. I'm doing a better job at lightening up on things like the a perfectly clean house, but this having a baby gig is revealing the depth of my neuroses.

My questions: For those of you at home with your kids, particularly babies, what do you do? Do you create a schedule? I assume toddlers might thrive on this, but what about babies? How do you meet your needs AND do stuff around the house? There are naps, but if I work through all of those I feel WIPED OUT at the end of the day. Do you have help? Either a nanny/mother's helper? Do you have a house keeper?

I think I'm asking the big parenting question: how does one take care of responsibilities, meet one's own needs, AND provide a rich, loving, interactive space for one's child?

Personally, I think having Bennett is a tremendous spiritual practice in letting go and re-prioritizing. My previous post of being on fire relates. I feel like if I am all about Bennett all the time my life will burn down to the ground entirely and I'll live in filth, be crazy, friendless, and hungry.

Comments

So you live in filth for a while....

[snowcalla.livejournal.com]

Going from memory -

Really...I let the house fall to shit. I'm not kidding. I decided what HAD to get done and then I just did that. It isn't forever...after they are 2 and older you have more time to get stuff done. But I just told everyone who came to my house that it was going to be a shithole and if they couldn't deal with that, don't come over.

This sounds so bad, but I switched to paper plates and cups. That way, I only had to worry about pans and silverware. We ate sandwiches and potato chips often. I told my husband that it was everyone for themselves in getting their clothes washed. That included towels. I did the baby's stuff and mine but didn't do his. I kept clorox wipes in the bathroom and I just wiped stuff down as I was using it.

Also - I scheduled time when I was solo with the baby for 1/2 and hour each evening and 1/2 and hour when my husband was solo with the baby. The other person did something relaxing or fun during that half hour. No work, cooking, cleaning. Something fun or relaxing.

That's how I delt with it.

[amyura.livejournal.com]

I'm home fulltime in the summers. My answer is, you learn to let a LOT of stuff go. You won't be a perfect parent, and you won't be a perfect housekeeper (well, not without paid help!), so you do what you can when you can. Sit him on the floor with a few of his favorite toys while you cook dinner or run dishes. Let him "help" you while you fold laundry.

We keep a loose schedule in the summers, dictated by the baby. Both girls set themselves loose routines by four months of age, which helped. But mainly I go with the flow during those times because I've realized that no matter how hard I work, the reward is only temporary at best. Everything gets REALLY messy again. And I do my work-related stuff while I'm at work, or at night after the girls are down for the night.

[teamrose.livejournal.com]

We're all a little crazy and living in a little bit of filth can't be *that* bad.

I'm a planner as well and I always have been, this is what works for me and keeps me from losing my mind. Like others have mentioned, you learn to let go. I have let go quite a bit, however, I can't say that I would completely let go or that it would be healthy to do so!

I still have my lists and plan things out, but really I've learned to plan loosely and not freak out when things get pushed off to the next day. I place little sticky notes on the fridge to remind myself we need to replace a certain grocerie, I throw clothes in the washer (through out the day) and start it at night before bed, I fold clothes and leave them stacked neatly on the table until R is available and puts them away or I tuck em away when Sophie naps.

I've learned to utilize naps but not just for work. When Sophie falls out I get up and do a quick 10-15 minute clean up, when the time goes off I sit down and watch a show, look on LJ, clip my nails, drink some tea, or read a quick chapter of a book I've been longing to finish (gahh, to get through a book in one day...), anything that is just for me. This is helpful and keeps me from feeling swamped but I do get things done and manage to not loose myself in the meantime.

I have become the master of funny noises and faces which keep Sophie entertained while I brush my teeth, wash my face, get dressed do my hair, or make the bed. Wearing her keeps her satisfied while I do errands and then when she's out I have more me time. Also, have you seen the Wiggle Worm Play Gym? Here's (http://www.geniusbabies.com/wiggle-worm-gym-infantino.html) a link! They have a zillion activity play mats on this site and they are all wonderful! I would totally look into getting one, if I were you. Sophie really doesn't entertain herself either but she loves the wiggle worm gym and we can get a good 25 minutes of her having (educational, brain stimulating fun!) fun.

[teamrose.livejournal.com]

Also, we have no *real* schedule, mainly because I find it hard to get her on a schedule that works for both of us and isn't interrupted by daily outings. Plus, I find it easier and more beneficial for Sophie and I parent on demand - following her cues for when it's nap time, feeding time, changing time, play time. I just can't scheudle in what she will want and when. However, for a toddler (in my personal experience) I have noticed schedules make it easier, and they enjoy knowing how their day is going to go and what to expect. Plus they are usually down to one nap a day so that's the ony time you really have to schedule around..and yaddayaddayadda.

[bloodfever.livejournal.com]

I'm home full time. We don't have a housekeeper or anything. We do have a routine, we just kind of fell into it but it's working.

Troy gets the baby up at 6amish and takes care of "breakfast" then gets ready to go to work and heads off at 8am. At that point my day becomes all about Elliott. We usually sleep a little or snuggle until 9am, when we get up for the day. Then we have our feed-play-nap-repeat routine which takes us through until 5.30pm when Troy gets home.

The only thing I can do around the house when I'm alone with Elliott is the washing - 2mins to put it in the machine, 2mins to put it in the dryer. Everything else has to wait.

Of an evening the theory is that Troy entertains the baby while I make dinner and clean/tidy/fold laundry/etc. Although I end up doing a lot of the entertaining too since Elliott has started really watching what I'm doing when I'm in the kitchen - so I talk to him while peeling potatoes or whatever.

We now have a pretty consistent bed time of around 8.30pm, once Elliott is in bed then both of us have "us" time. Kind of - I'm usually still doing chores for a bit longer but that's my choice.

Weekends is the same - Troy feeds/changes/entertains the baby while I sleep in and do chores (and uni work during semester). Although see above re: I end up doing a lot anyway.

I'm a planner too. I just had to learn that I couldn't plan anything between 8am-5.30pm on weekdays.

[thekitchenvixen.livejournal.com]

This is my day:
Wake up any time between 7:00 and 9:00 depending on when the kids fell asleep the night before. When someone gets me up I usually get up and get both of them diaper changes and dressed. I fix Niyama breakfast. Then I proceed to do pots and pans from the night before and unload the dishwasher. I usually do about two loads of laundry. I also clean clean clean my ass off almost all day. Indra is either in the baby carrier, on my hip, or playing EVERYWHERE. He can army crawl now, so I have to keep a close eye on him.
By the time I have the house looking orderly, its about 12:00 which is lunchtime. We always have leftovers or PB&J. Afterwards is playtime and quiet time when we all get in bed and read books for a while. I also do a craft project with Niyama most days. By 3:00 pm I'm usually getting dinner ready and doing another round of cleaning up after Niyama. I cook dinner from scratch every single day of the week which can take anywhere between 1 and 3 hours total. Between 4:00 and 5:00 Indra finally starts melting down and it gets hectic between the two of them and finishing up dinner and setting the table. Zack gets home at 5:30 and I have dinner on the table as he walks in the door. We all eat and socialize a bit. By 7:00 Niyama has teeth brushed, gone potty, washed up, and I read her two books before bed. I usually sit in her room 15-30 mins while she falls asleep.
Then I run down and grab Indra, get him changed and ready for bed. I nurse him to sleep in our room. So I am usually free by 9:00. I get a little time with Zack before he leaves for work again at 10:30. Now is when I clean up after dinner, tidy the house, and finish up with whatever laundry. I pack Zack a lunch. Then I usually go to bed around 11:00.
I nurse Indra periodically throughout the night and most nights Niyama cries out for me so I run in there to settle her back in.
Other than that, throw in about 5ish diaper changes, a bunch of nursing sessions, Indra gets one or two shortish naps, and reminding Niyama about using the potty (or face the consequence: cleaning up accidents) and making snacks all day. Not to mention lots of meltdowns, time-outs, playing on the floor with Indra and Nini doing puzzles and building with blocks... you get the picture. Whatever way you look at it, its usually a busy busy day!

[lopezuna.livejournal.com]

My husband and I work full time, and have a cleaner (way cheaper than therapy or marriage counseling). We both travel a fair bit, which means being the only present parent for a few days at a time.

What works for me with the kid is a. to get out of the house at least once (the smallster is entertained by everything, from the playground to grocery shopping, so he doesn't need 100% of my attention) and b. to remember "first child syndrome." If I had other kids, I wouldn't have time to worry about giving him 100% of my attention. He'd just be left to go about his business, developing his motor skills and problem solving skills by poking his nose into into everything. So although he loves to hang out of me, since he could sit up (7 months) he's been sitting in his high chair with a toy watching me cook or stack the dishwasher, or rolling around on a mat with some stacky cups while I do stuff.

I also love to have friends over, both those with kids and those without. The small fry loves a new audience and I love the adult interaction.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

The "first child syndrome" is brilliant. I had not thought of that. This definitely helps put things into perspective.

Have your cake and eat it too, otherwise, why have cake?

[mz-seshet.livejournal.com]

In talking with Thorn last weekend, she referred to the Egyptian concept of time. They measure days in hours, like we do, but in summer time the hour lasts longer than in winter - its still called an hour, and for all their concerns, is still the same hour, but because the days are longer, the hour is longer. Thorn thinks of it like time breathing and I really like this idea!

I think this is a useful concept for parents. I've used it with meeting my son's dietary needs. He will just not eat a balanced daily diet, but give me a week and I'll make sure he's gotten enough greens, proteinn, etc.
Some nights he'll eat nothing but chicken and salad, but other nights he just wants pasta - not even with sauce! The only thing he'll always ever eat is desert, so as long as he's eaten all his dinner, what ever that may be, I let him have a little sweet. This is a common tactic, I know, but I think it can apply to planning while raising kids.

Let your planning time breathe with your current state. Allow the daily list to expand into a monthly list Give yourself an entire week just to make the list instead of an hour.

My house cleaning cycle has become enough to get by until company comes over. And I used to make Martha Stewart look like a slob. I used to think that poem about the kids leaving hand prints was ridiculous - who would care so much about handprints? But now I realize how symbolic it is - the amount of disarray and dirt a kid can leave behind in just an hour is a wonder!

You can live in dirt, it won't hurt - you can even be a little crazy, aren't we all? And take out, stir fry and pre-cut, prepped veggies in plastic bags from the store will help with the hunger, but your friends will never go away because your priority is being a mom.