(no subject)

[theatokos]

Two recent posts - well, one post and one forward - have gotten me thinking. First, there's that podcast from yesterday about genius and how we spend our time. I don't need to be a genius, I really don't, but I do know that I'm not using my time wisely, that I've been avoiding Things, and that I've been flirting with depression in a pretty big way. I also read a post this morning in which a woman talked about making all things secondary to her spiritual practice. Replace that last bit with what's most important to you, and I ask: are you putting first things first? I'm not. And I want to put my spiritual pursuits first. I do. But I don't. I'm scared shitless to do so. What does that look like? Will I become a crazy fruity loon? I fear that my life will fall apart - maybe set on fire, like Bennett has done? And just how DO I devote four hours to something, anything, with a child? I fear I'll become some extreme weirdo, or a nun, or something vastly incompatible with being a normal person and mother. I'm WAY too invested in being normal, so perhaps "indulging" this desire is exactly what I need.

What would four hours of spiritual pursuit a day look like? Probably an hour of yoga, 30 minutes of meditation, another 30 of prayer and tarot, two hours of academic study. Eventually, once I quit working and officially become a Student once more, the study will be its own thing, but I'm not so compartmentalized that I don't see that my academic pursuits are still a big spiritual quest of sorts for me.

Even writing about this makes my stomach knot up in fear and anxiety. Gah. It's this being vulnerable and open to mockery. Juvenile fears clutching to my guts and desires. And fear of overthrowing my life as I know it. Choosing the devils I know over the devils I don't. How dull.

What's my order of priority? I spend a lot of time keeping my house in order. Partly because I like clean, partly because I get stressed out with too much clutter and filth - it's a giant distraction and I think I can't handle external clutter because I'm already so cluttered on the inside, and partly training and judgement from my upbringing.

I'm currently working and that is sucking a lot of my energy. I think I'm going to just bite the bullet and have a heart to heart with my ED. Going into work makes me noticeably depressed. This is not good, even if I am quitting in a few months.

I spend a vast portion of my day online. This is because this is where the majority of my social life and work take place.

I want to make some changes. I'm scared. I'm dragging my heels. But I'm already throwing myself into the fire this year with motherhood and moving and going back to school. Why not harness my time and energies into what I *really want*?

If only there was some magic pill that reformed my habits and fears. But instead it's the steady, daily, messy, awkward work of one step at a time.

Comments

[snowcalla.livejournal.com]

First things first - for me that would be "enjoyment". Taking the time to enjoy my life, my family, my friends, my hobbies.

[queenofhalves]

taking risks gets easier as you take them (and especially as you reap the benefits). start small? :>

Unrelated to this post

[msmidge.livejournal.com]

Something about your picture looked familiar and I went to your userinfo page and we have a friend in common--Cos. So in case we ever met, hi!

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Hey, will you be at Pantheacon?

[msmidge.livejournal.com]

I agree with the "start small" advice above. Especially since babies change so fast--you'll implement one or two changes for yourself and then B's needs will suddenly make a left turn. And it's totally about the steady, daily, messy, awkward work.

[erinya.livejournal.com]

Those time commitments don't sound at all unreasonable to me and would not turn you into a nun or a crazy fruity loon. Just my $0.02.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

It's not just about the 4 hours. It's about what happens in the interstitial spaces - if I actually reorder my life and priorities, if I actually take a step down the path, with the beginning being 4 hours.... it's all about non-rational fear and insecurity.

[miss-malloreee.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on the clean house bit. I spend a lot of my time cleaning/tidying. Like my life can't go on if the beds not made. I bet if I added all the time I spend being overly anal about neatness I would get sick to my stomach. I should be enjoying my daughter, not dusting.

[sapphire-kittum.livejournal.com]

When you break it down like that, devoting 4 hours to spiritual persuit sounds very achievable.

[mindycl.livejournal.com]

I also recently had an existential crisis. I was pondering why are we here in this world, what's the whole purpose of life if we all die anyway etc etc.

The bottom line is that G-d put us into this world to do His will and make the world a better place. By focusing on your son, husband, home tc., you are doing His will. I don't see how tarots, yoga and meditation will enhance your life except make you crazy. I sense you feel an emptiness in y our life that a close relationship with G-d can fill... my two cents is to look into becoming a Noahide. You'll basically be fulfillingn the 7 Noahide commandments, none of which are very hard, and you'll really feel that you're doing something *real*.

Just my 2 cents... good luck on your decisions.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your two cents and it is true that I crave a deep relationship with the divine. But you and I see that Divine very differently. I have a great appreciation for the Jewish faith and tradition, but it is not my faith and tradition. I do not see the Divine as Male (nor as explicitly female either, but certain not as a He) and I don't believe that focusing on my husband will bring me any deeper holiness. I *do* believe in relationship as a meaningful pathway to deeper divinity, so I have no plans to throw aside my son or husband!

Yoga and meditation have been two very important and powerful tools in my life, both spiritually and for my mental health. With out these my anxiety and tendency toward depression might have to be medicated, something I actively avoid. Yoga and meditation make me more present, peaceful, patient and able to interact with myself and others in a way that is less crazy, not more.

I am doing something real, I know that. But I still see the ways I avoid and escape and live in fear. I want less of that and more of the real.

[keypike.livejournal.com]

I think it's always scary to think about doing something where the outcome is unknown. You know you want to devote more of yourself to spirituality - but how that may change you is unknown, and that's scary. At least, it would be to me.

It's easy to allow ourselves the indulgence of getting swept up into daily minutae. Is it really important how annoying my co-workers can be, or how many times Henry woke up during the night (5 last night, for the record)....no, it's not. But it's easier to focus on that, than on thinking about my life's purpose and if I'm living a fully realized life. Sorry, that was a bit of a tangent, but my point is that you're not crazy or unusual for being hesitant or worried about taking the leap into a more spiritual life.

My advice - forget 4 hours....instead, try 40 minutes. And first focus on things that truly bring you joy and happiness - if that takes you into a place where you become a fruity loon, at least you'll be a happy joyful fruity loon.

[vanilladreams83.livejournal.com]

I don't even devote an hour just to myself or some pursuit of intrest; I could never come up with four hours.

[mz-seshet.livejournal.com]

You're so sexy when you play with fire!
You know courage is having the fear and proceeding anyways.
We're right there with ya babe.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

My phrase du jour lately is Holy Crap. That's how I feel.

Will you be at PCon? I hope so! I want to show off B to the gang and I would looooooove to find some time to have a long leisurely conversation about Stuff.

[mz-seshet.livejournal.com]

Nope - No PCon for me cuz my tired ol' phrase is "I can't afford it" (member that one from the last two years? Haven't learned to rephrase it yet!)

I saw B's pic on FB with A. TOO CUTE!
And I do want have a good talk. I seem to be hiding behind my endless job search. But I feel things busting loose --- SOON!

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Well, one night, like maybe Friday, when there isn't anything I want to see or hear, you could come to the hotel and have dinner with us? We could hang out in the hotel room and talk and snuggle B.

[eelsalad.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, I hear you. I've been trying to focus on my priorities (I started by listing them a while back) and make sure that I'm making time for what's important.

What I find hardest is the daily grind of doing it. Remembering to set aside time with my husband. Getting my ass to the dojo for training. Taking my supplements so I can stay healthy. Going to therapy and trying to put the impossible into words. It's all very unglamorous, you know?

But sometimes it hits me how awesome things are because of the unglamorous work. That makes it a bit easier, helps me keep at it.

Hang in there. Sometimes I think this work of finding a balance is like polishing a rock with really really fine grit sandpaper. It takes forever, but the rock keeps getting shinier!

I can't wait to see you at PCon! EE! I hope we can find some time to hang out in between the events and me running home to take care of my sick cat. (He gets subcutaneous fluids every other day, and that's a two-person job, sigh.)

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness, PCON!!! I am so excited. Adam and I (and Bennett) will be staying at the Holiday Inn. But we'll see each other. Oh yes. Will you be going to anything in the Feri room?

[eelsalad.livejournal.com]

I'll be at some of the Feri room stuff, at least. Woo!