Breastfeeding saga
Jun. 15th, 2009 06:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theatokosI am applying to be an Adopt-a-Mom breastfeeding mentor. It's a community on LJ that pairs up experienced mamas with new mamas in an effort to support them. My aam, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
said_by_me, was incredibly patient and supportive of me during a time where I felt overwhelmed and uncertain. Part of the requirement is that I publicly post my breastfeeding story.
When I found out I was pregnant I never for one moment ever considered having any kind of birth other than natural, nor doing anything other than breastfeeding. Even without loads of research those two things seemed no-brainers to me. It was the natural order, the female body, doing its thing. My mother breastfed my sister and me. But I wasn't ignorant of problems in breastfeeding; my sister had struggled with breastfeeding and wasn't able to breastfeed for very long with either of her girls. I was nervous about breastfeeding, even though I was mentally prepared for it. My breasts have been my biggest erogenous zone and I wondered if I'd be creeped out, if I'd like breastfeeding. Could I stick with it for at least a year? I went into pregnancy thinking I'd do it for a year and would re-evaluate at the baby's first birthday.
I am grateful that I am a willful person. My commitments to breastfeeding and natural birth were tested when Bennett arrived six weeks early. To this day we have no idea why it happened. In retrospect I had started physically preparing for labor the week he arrived. I had had a physically easy pregnancy, I was in excellent health, I didn't meet any of the possible indicators of having a premature baby. Even though my husband and I had planned to birth at a birthing center, we were legally required to birth in a hospital if the baby arrived before 36 weeks. Bennett was about 34 weeks, maybe closer to 35, depending on which due date you looked at. Thanks to our midwives' presence we were left alone at the hospital and I was able to labor and deliver naturally. Bennett arrived after 7 hours of labor, from start to finish, and weighed 4 lbs 14 oz. He was put to the breast and latched for only a moment before the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) team whisked him away to an isolet to .... to whatever it is they did. With 9/9 apgar scores the team decided he was fine and could stay with us for another hour or so before being taken to the NICU room for observation.
It's hard to remember exactly what happened and in what order. What was supposed to be a week's stay at most in the NICU turned into a month. Four weeks and one day, to be precise. Bennett was given a gavage (nasal feeding tube) with formula "until my milk came in." We were still encouraged to breast feed. He was so tiny but seemed to latch and feed fine for the first 24 hours. After that Bennett developed jaundice. He began to lose weight and at his already low weight it began to hamper his strength to latch.
I was discharged from the hospital after three days. I was given a large, cumbersome, but very effective pump. I pumped every three hours round the clock. I spent almost every waking hour - and some nights - at the hospital. We thought Bennett would come home within the week. He continued to be on the gavage receiving my pumped milk fortified with formula. Bennett continued to lose weight and started acting sick. Eventually, about 10 days in, the NICU pediatrician (not our actual assigned resident) figured out that Bennett had contracted a urinary tract infection.
Bennett was given two different types of antibiotics. We continued to breastfeed and pump. I was given nipple shields to help his tiny mouth stay on. I attended "Mother's Milk" meetings (breastfeeding support for NICU mothers). I met with doctors, lactation consultants, nurses and social workers. I was fondled, assisted, poked, timed, observed, and "educated" daily. I was exhausted. I decided to sleep through the night and I skipped one nightly pumping session. Every time I went in to feed Bennett I had to time our feeding sessions - how many minutes per side of active suck? If we didn't get a total of 10 minutes then Bennett would get his regular fortified milk through the gavage. Bennett hated the tube and pulled it out twice. The nurses moved him to bottle feeding. We are very lucky that he never had any nipple confusion. He took to bottles straight away, but still kept up with the breast too.
Eventually, and I'll spare you every single detail, Bennett was deemed fit to come home. He was so tiny. But we weren't free of medical "help" yet. A home health nurse was assigned to visit us every three days. She weighed Bennett, took his vitals, asked about his meds (he was given a round of prophylactic antibiotics and an iron supplement), asked about how many minutes he fed on each breast, the times he fed and how many wet diapers he had per day. After two visits I asked the nurse to stop coming. I couldn't take the stress and intrusion. The nurse had weight goals for each visit and we weren't meeting them. Breastfeeding, which I had looked forward to replacing the stress of pumping, was becoming intensely anxiety-laden. I hated timing and worrying if he was getting enough to eat. Everything I had read assured me that if I took care of myself and let Bennett feed on demand, barring any further illness, he would be fine. I was asked to promise to "top off" Bennett with formula after each feeding. I refused. But I made one concession. I would give him one bottle of formula a day.
Adam administered this feeding in the 9pm - midnight span. This allowed me to get about 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. We also used the bottle feeding to add probiotics to B's diet to counteract the 6 weeks of near constant antibiotics in his system. This, plus eliminating the iron supplements, cured his constipation. I struggled with giving B formula. I'm not a fan of the chemical/industrial food complex and I felt like I was failing in my efforts to be 100% breast only. But if this was the way I could keep my sanity for breastfeeding in general, I was willing to forgo perfection.
I also wanted to move away from using the nipple shields. I was having concerns about my supply. I don't know if I had real reason to be concerned or if I was just paranoid. I had every reason to be paranoid. 6 weeks of constant monitoring and worry and fussing by medical professionals undermined my confidence. But I was determined. I started trying to feed B without the shields. This wasn't successful until all of sudden one day it was. I don't remember exactly when this happened. Two and half months I think? But one day B would not have anything to do with the shields. We continued with the one bottle of formula and the probiotics.
Adam and I worked at the same non-profit and it was expected that I would bring the baby to work with me. I worked three days a week and was able to nurse where ever, when ever. At 7.5 months I moved to two days in the office, but B was too mobile and we had a young man come and watch Bennett in our apartment. Pumping was no fun. I'm sure it's not thrilling for any woman, but I had so much emotional baggage around it. I continued to worry if I was pumping enough, and the answer was usually no, and Bennett got whatever breast milk I could pump plus formula. If I got stressed out at work I sometimes would be unable to pump even a drop. Thankfully around 10 months Bennett started eating solids in earnest and I quit pumping and the formula use drop dramatically.
Bennett remained super tiny - around single digit percentiles - until 6 months. Our pediatrician wasn't worried at all about him. She kept saying he was healthy and she felt confident that he'd catch up quickly. By 7 months he wasn't tiny for his age anymore and by 9 months he was getting big!
Bennett is now 12.5 months old. He is about 25 lbs and 30 inches long, walking, babbling, eating a ton of solids AND still breastfeeding on demand! At his first birthday there was nothing to reconsider. I've been asked when I plan to wean him. "When he wants to" I reply. I don't see myself practicing extended nursing, but I also wouldn't mind doing morning and evening nursing for a long time. It turns out I like breastfeeding! As it is right now, I'm finding this to be the sweetest nursing time: it's not round the clock or constant, but we still get that closeness and I don't have to worry about Bennett's solids too much because I know that he's getting any nutritional gaps filled with my milk.
All of our hard work has paid off. I've learned so much and I'm really proud of myself. I no longer feel guilty about the bottles of formula. So Bennett hasn't been a 100% breastfed baby. I worked damn hard to make sure that he was a breastfed baby period! For our next baby -and there will be a next one!- my goal is the same as the one I had for Bennett: 100% breastfed. But who knows what challenges that baby will face? I know that I am prepared to meet them.
said_by_me, was incredibly patient and supportive of me during a time where I felt overwhelmed and uncertain. Part of the requirement is that I publicly post my breastfeeding story. When I found out I was pregnant I never for one moment ever considered having any kind of birth other than natural, nor doing anything other than breastfeeding. Even without loads of research those two things seemed no-brainers to me. It was the natural order, the female body, doing its thing. My mother breastfed my sister and me. But I wasn't ignorant of problems in breastfeeding; my sister had struggled with breastfeeding and wasn't able to breastfeed for very long with either of her girls. I was nervous about breastfeeding, even though I was mentally prepared for it. My breasts have been my biggest erogenous zone and I wondered if I'd be creeped out, if I'd like breastfeeding. Could I stick with it for at least a year? I went into pregnancy thinking I'd do it for a year and would re-evaluate at the baby's first birthday.
I am grateful that I am a willful person. My commitments to breastfeeding and natural birth were tested when Bennett arrived six weeks early. To this day we have no idea why it happened. In retrospect I had started physically preparing for labor the week he arrived. I had had a physically easy pregnancy, I was in excellent health, I didn't meet any of the possible indicators of having a premature baby. Even though my husband and I had planned to birth at a birthing center, we were legally required to birth in a hospital if the baby arrived before 36 weeks. Bennett was about 34 weeks, maybe closer to 35, depending on which due date you looked at. Thanks to our midwives' presence we were left alone at the hospital and I was able to labor and deliver naturally. Bennett arrived after 7 hours of labor, from start to finish, and weighed 4 lbs 14 oz. He was put to the breast and latched for only a moment before the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) team whisked him away to an isolet to .... to whatever it is they did. With 9/9 apgar scores the team decided he was fine and could stay with us for another hour or so before being taken to the NICU room for observation.
It's hard to remember exactly what happened and in what order. What was supposed to be a week's stay at most in the NICU turned into a month. Four weeks and one day, to be precise. Bennett was given a gavage (nasal feeding tube) with formula "until my milk came in." We were still encouraged to breast feed. He was so tiny but seemed to latch and feed fine for the first 24 hours. After that Bennett developed jaundice. He began to lose weight and at his already low weight it began to hamper his strength to latch.
I was discharged from the hospital after three days. I was given a large, cumbersome, but very effective pump. I pumped every three hours round the clock. I spent almost every waking hour - and some nights - at the hospital. We thought Bennett would come home within the week. He continued to be on the gavage receiving my pumped milk fortified with formula. Bennett continued to lose weight and started acting sick. Eventually, about 10 days in, the NICU pediatrician (not our actual assigned resident) figured out that Bennett had contracted a urinary tract infection.
Bennett was given two different types of antibiotics. We continued to breastfeed and pump. I was given nipple shields to help his tiny mouth stay on. I attended "Mother's Milk" meetings (breastfeeding support for NICU mothers). I met with doctors, lactation consultants, nurses and social workers. I was fondled, assisted, poked, timed, observed, and "educated" daily. I was exhausted. I decided to sleep through the night and I skipped one nightly pumping session. Every time I went in to feed Bennett I had to time our feeding sessions - how many minutes per side of active suck? If we didn't get a total of 10 minutes then Bennett would get his regular fortified milk through the gavage. Bennett hated the tube and pulled it out twice. The nurses moved him to bottle feeding. We are very lucky that he never had any nipple confusion. He took to bottles straight away, but still kept up with the breast too.
Eventually, and I'll spare you every single detail, Bennett was deemed fit to come home. He was so tiny. But we weren't free of medical "help" yet. A home health nurse was assigned to visit us every three days. She weighed Bennett, took his vitals, asked about his meds (he was given a round of prophylactic antibiotics and an iron supplement), asked about how many minutes he fed on each breast, the times he fed and how many wet diapers he had per day. After two visits I asked the nurse to stop coming. I couldn't take the stress and intrusion. The nurse had weight goals for each visit and we weren't meeting them. Breastfeeding, which I had looked forward to replacing the stress of pumping, was becoming intensely anxiety-laden. I hated timing and worrying if he was getting enough to eat. Everything I had read assured me that if I took care of myself and let Bennett feed on demand, barring any further illness, he would be fine. I was asked to promise to "top off" Bennett with formula after each feeding. I refused. But I made one concession. I would give him one bottle of formula a day.
Adam administered this feeding in the 9pm - midnight span. This allowed me to get about 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. We also used the bottle feeding to add probiotics to B's diet to counteract the 6 weeks of near constant antibiotics in his system. This, plus eliminating the iron supplements, cured his constipation. I struggled with giving B formula. I'm not a fan of the chemical/industrial food complex and I felt like I was failing in my efforts to be 100% breast only. But if this was the way I could keep my sanity for breastfeeding in general, I was willing to forgo perfection.
I also wanted to move away from using the nipple shields. I was having concerns about my supply. I don't know if I had real reason to be concerned or if I was just paranoid. I had every reason to be paranoid. 6 weeks of constant monitoring and worry and fussing by medical professionals undermined my confidence. But I was determined. I started trying to feed B without the shields. This wasn't successful until all of sudden one day it was. I don't remember exactly when this happened. Two and half months I think? But one day B would not have anything to do with the shields. We continued with the one bottle of formula and the probiotics.
Adam and I worked at the same non-profit and it was expected that I would bring the baby to work with me. I worked three days a week and was able to nurse where ever, when ever. At 7.5 months I moved to two days in the office, but B was too mobile and we had a young man come and watch Bennett in our apartment. Pumping was no fun. I'm sure it's not thrilling for any woman, but I had so much emotional baggage around it. I continued to worry if I was pumping enough, and the answer was usually no, and Bennett got whatever breast milk I could pump plus formula. If I got stressed out at work I sometimes would be unable to pump even a drop. Thankfully around 10 months Bennett started eating solids in earnest and I quit pumping and the formula use drop dramatically.
Bennett remained super tiny - around single digit percentiles - until 6 months. Our pediatrician wasn't worried at all about him. She kept saying he was healthy and she felt confident that he'd catch up quickly. By 7 months he wasn't tiny for his age anymore and by 9 months he was getting big!
Bennett is now 12.5 months old. He is about 25 lbs and 30 inches long, walking, babbling, eating a ton of solids AND still breastfeeding on demand! At his first birthday there was nothing to reconsider. I've been asked when I plan to wean him. "When he wants to" I reply. I don't see myself practicing extended nursing, but I also wouldn't mind doing morning and evening nursing for a long time. It turns out I like breastfeeding! As it is right now, I'm finding this to be the sweetest nursing time: it's not round the clock or constant, but we still get that closeness and I don't have to worry about Bennett's solids too much because I know that he's getting any nutritional gaps filled with my milk.
All of our hard work has paid off. I've learned so much and I'm really proud of myself. I no longer feel guilty about the bottles of formula. So Bennett hasn't been a 100% breastfed baby. I worked damn hard to make sure that he was a breastfed baby period! For our next baby -and there will be a next one!- my goal is the same as the one I had for Bennett: 100% breastfed. But who knows what challenges that baby will face? I know that I am prepared to meet them.
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no subject
Date: 2009-06-16 03:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-16 05:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-16 03:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-16 01:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-16 06:07 pm (UTC)I think even providing 50% of #3's needs from breastmilk would be a great goal. Even 25%! I really think that breastmilk is amazing stuff. But as I learned "perfection" (100%) might have been possible, but at a great cost to my mental health and relationship with breastfeeding. As my former boss says "Perfection is for God."
Maybe you could get an AAM and she could help support whatever efforts you chose?
no subject
Date: 2009-06-16 06:16 pm (UTC)It's really interesting that you guys were able to dump the shields at the 10-week mark. I read somewhere or heard from an LC that it's normal for preemies - somewhere around 5 weeks after their due date, they just "get it."
no subject
Date: 2009-06-17 03:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-17 04:50 pm (UTC)