A good night's sleep will make me want to retract this in the morning

[theatokos]

I am so tired, and so tired of being tired ALL THE TIME. Inside now tonight, too. I want an assurance that is impossible. I want an assurance that all this work pays off, big time. Yes, I already feel a bit stronger - I have an image of a tightly coiled fiddlehead unfurling bit by bit, one frond at a time. That's me. I recognize the progress. But I want to know that when, finally, I am unravelled and out and strong that I won't be flattened by a torential rain, or plucked by some careless kid, or trampled by a superfluous ne (um, that last one is a French joke, I needed to make myself laugh and I'm thinking of skipping French in favor of ten hours of sleep).

There are no assurances and I have to keep going anyway. I have to keep going just for the sake of progress. Just so that if I get flattened I can say to myself that I didn't waste a moment and I gave it my best shot.

....God, does anyone else get tired of all this pep-talk bullshit? I had no clue what I was signing up for when I came to graduate school. Can I just be done now? When do I get to go home to fishing boats and villages and overpriced produce? Oh, yeah, I don't.

Someone tell me that all this work will have consequences beyond me just feeling "strong on the inside." Tell me this artist's way crap doesn't just get my hopes up like before; tell me that my thesis doesn't suck and that I'm either rockin' the PhD program or employable come June; tell me that my family won't implode during the winter like the pit of stomach suggests it's going to; tell me I won't be beating my head against the same brick wall I've been using for at least 20 years; tell me these relationships matter and won't disappear after years of photos accumulate and simple objects like wine glasses trigger an avalanche of memories and I'm left wondering what to do with the holes, in the cupboards, in my heart, in my address book.

I don't know whether I feel raw and exposed or morose and melodramatic. You pick.

Comments

[goddessofmercy.livejournal.com]

i'm gonna vote for raw morose exposed and melodramatic. everything you wrote is too intense, too real for me to able to write some pat comment that "makes it all better." i don't really believe in that anway, things get worked through, not solved with the flick of a tongue and a quickie phrase. but i just want you to know you are not alone. i feel this way sometimes, fighting upstream against a current i can't even fathom just so i can do what i want with my life. and it feels like too much, and not worth it, and too hard and i just want the fingers of god to come down from on high, carress my forehead and say: "you will achieve everything you are working for." of course it doesn't happen (damn those fingers of god), and i get upset that i don't get a guarantee with this life i'm living. but i feel that they striving still matters.

let me know if you need anything.

Despite my complaining, I'm spoiled rotten

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I know it's all going to be more beautiful and more amazing than I imagine it can be whenever completion comes. I'm stuck in the forest, in the thick of it, but there is light and hope. I'm a fiddlehead, not a clogged drain. Last night I was overwhelmed.... so many threads of loss dangling, small but irritating; lots of examples of work yet to be done and reasons to be strong. Sometimes it's just exhausting and I want it easy: money, convenience, easy communication, all my loved ones in one place, genius... the works. Really, though, my life is beautiful. I am becoming the person I want to be, I am strong, I am in love with someone that inspires and challenges and loves me deeply. I get to do what I love and spend my days pretty much as I please.

Re: Despite my complaining, I'm spoiled rotten

[goddessofmercy.livejournal.com]

Last night I was overwhelmed.... so many threads of loss dangling, small but irritating; lots of examples of work yet to be done and reasons to be strong. Sometimes it's just exhausting and I want it easy
sing it sister. i totally know what you mean, an easy road would be a nice change. and sometimes i feel that i have more than enough character, i don't need more fostered on my by difficult times. but that is the low points, the rest of the time i remember the good things. as do you. i'm glad you can see the light at the end of the forest, or at least you remember what it looks like and heading towards it as if everything is ok.