Am I weird to like religion so much?

[theatokos]

I wish I had a stronger religious life. I am transient, a wanderer, in faith and in home. I wish I was more rooted, part of a story. The only story I feel part of is "I am from Alaska. My mother is Australian. My grandfather came to Alaska from Iowa in the late '30s; my grandmother fled Pasadena for Alaska in 1945." But there are no Alaskan holidays (except for Alaska Day, perhaps, but everyone just looks at me weird). There were, and there are, no story-telling times in my family to recount these adventures.

I wish I could commit to a faith, a church, a community. But I can't. I just can't seem to do it. I'm afraid of losing things, especially control. I am attached to my reason, but this fear is also the result of seeing how easy it is for women to be subsumed in subtle and not-so-subtle patriarchies. I'm afraid of becoming obsessed, which is also a form of loss. But I miss ritual, story, cycles. Sometimes I am envious of people who, for either cultural or religious reasons, cling to traditions. The colors, the scents, the songs, the time worn (and even time-weary) patterns of celebration provoke an envy and longing in my heart. I am trying to find meaning in the world, trying to find the narrative I want to tell and be part of. I'm trying to find the Divine in my life as I live it. I sometimes wonder if I am too concerned with meeting God on my terms that I leave little room in my life for the reality of so large a God. Or, to look at that question from another angle, perhaps I am so caught up in what God is Not, and that's easy to do what with fundamentalism seemingly at every turn these days, that I forget to notice what and where God Is.

The weird thing is, that it's not just the trappings of religion I like. It's not just incense and icons, holidays, architecture, music, liturgy, kitsch, and all the rest. It's not just the certainty and security that those things plus that intangible Something Else. It's not just the philosophy and intellectual traditions and history that keep my nose in books. It's all of it. All of it.

Yeah, I'm weird. For someone who doesn't go to church, can't be bothered to give up her Sunday mornings in jammies with coffee and the New York Times, doesn't even like most church all that much, chooses to get advanced degrees in the subject, work for a faith-based non-profit, and isn't even baptised, I'm awfully obsessed with religion. Maybe this will all make sense in the afterlife.

Comments

[erinya.livejournal.com]

I don't know, it makes sense to me. Just because you don't really care for church or participate in a religious community doesn't mean you can't be religious or spiritual. Not wanting to give up control of your spirituality to a church seems perfectly natural to me. This is why you should start your own church! :-)

On the other hand, ritual is important...the action of ritual works in a subconcious place, I think, and is a real human need. But that doesn't mean you can't create your own traditions and rituals from what is meaningful to you.

I do find I miss the ritual of the Episcopal Church, and every year I get a hankering to go to Christmas Eve Mass. But I feel hypocritical going for the ritual when I don't ascribe to the doctrine, so I usually skip it, with a certain sense of regret.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

I think I am going to try to find a midnight mass to go to.

I know the importance of ritual in people's lives, but I feel very out of sync in many ways with my generation and peers and most of my friends. I don't want to acquiesce to much of what I perceive of as watered down spiritual generica of the Baby Boomers. Intellectually, I'm attracted to the consistency of picking one tradition and immersing oneself in it. Not in an exculsionary way, but in a way that is committed - like saying, I choose This and will fully explore what This is all about.

[hangedwoman.livejournal.com]

I know quite well how you feel. I consider myself spiritual but no so much religious, though there are many reasons I miss church sometimes: the sense of community, ritual, sacred space. And I suspect that part of the reason the sense of community appeals to me is that I don't have a strong background of family history and traditions. Both sides of my family have been wanderers for quite a while.

And oddly enough, if I ever get back to college, one of the things I've considered majoring in is theology. And I consider myself much more divorced from Abrahamic religion than I get the sense that you are. :)

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I have a love/hate relationship with the Faiths of the Book. I also feel that as a white westerner with some loose Christianity in the familial folds somewhere, it makes sense to choose Christianity (or one of the monotheistic faiths). But.... my view of CHristianity certainly isn't a mainstream view. I draw heavily from Euro-pagan sources as well.

I recommend the study of theology. It's hard to study it at the BA level. Generally it's more of a world regions course of study - although, so important! A great foundation for further theological inquiry, not to mention deeping knowledge about and compassion for the many diverse people in this world.

[donkeyfly.livejournal.com]

a couple of years ago my family went to oregon for a sort of family get together. while there we went to visit some transplanted alaska friends who were then living in astoria. we happened to visit them on alaska day. they had a flag pole on their lawn and we solemnly stood in a circle and raised the alaska flag and sang the alaska flag song.

at a dinner towards the end of my senior year of high school one of the school counselors asked a student with a very beautiful high clear voice to sing the alaska flag song for us. 1. because this would be the last time that he would get to hear her sing. and 2. because he thought the song was really pretty.

it was so beautiful that i felt like crying. that's when i realized just how crazy about alaska i really am.

my mother always called going to the glacier 'going to church'. she's kind of a romantic sap when it comes to beautiful places. i think i inherited that sappy spiritual love of alaska.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Alaska IS church! I know how your mother feels. Going hiking was not only communing with nature, but communing with God. I miss that strong connection to nature. I keep trying to remain open to that feeling in other places, but it's rare that I experience that vastness and stillness elsewhere.

Also, I've gotta learn me the Alaska Flag song for real. I've been meaning to.

[hillpagan.livejournal.com]

I too feel a little ripped off by the lack of tradition that goes with having Baba Lovers for parents and otherwise a very small and far-flung family. Silence Day is cool and all but there isn't much pageantry. Plus the mantra was always that their religion was theirs and I was free to find my own spiritual path... And the path I've chosen is very satisfactory intellectually and in my heart of hearts but not so much on a social or family basis.
My husband proposed to me one Christmas Eve long ago and I found myself bawling with self pity that night- I didn't believe in marriage or Christmas or anything, it seemed, and I worried that my life was hollow and severely lacking in the pleasures and desires that tie so much of my society together.
I've learned a lot about marriage since, enough to understand it and enjoy my participation in the solid social construct that it is, but he's agnostic too and when the holidays come around we definitely flounder.
And now I ramble. I really don't have anything to complain about. There are solstices and equinoxes and Independence Day and Pig Out Thursday and Talk like a Pirate Day. And all us non-Christians love getting together on Dec 25th and pretending we don't know why we're off of work and getting drunk at noon.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Hey! Silence Day! I have a friend who must have been raised by Baba Lovers! Her family practices Silence Day too. In fact, Adam and I have done it twice. It's an excellent excersize. I'm not sure how spiritual I find it, but I do like it as a break from and excersize in communication.

I'm really starting to develop my own versions of holidays. I find that even the Christian holidays that I mostly like have more meaning when I dig deeper into their varied pagan pasts. Nature and the cycle of seasons resonates with me, so adding that into my holiday observances helps a lot.

I'm having a Yule party this year. Really it'll look like a Christmas party, since most "Christmas" traditions are pagan anyway. I like solstices and I do like the whole idea of the coming-of-the-light-out-of-darkness. This year it holds extra meaning.

(I sent my thesis to your yahoo account.)