A Fresh Start

I keep wanting to write but lately whenever I'm on a computer I'm trying to do 45 things at once. In keeping with my multi-tasking, here is a bit of an email I wrote to a friend just now.

So us. Wales. It's real. I love it here. I flip flop between being exhausted from being in the 'still moving in' phase to feeling oddly in love with the place. Did you know that refrigerators are not standard with rentals here? No? Neither did we! I have to buy a fridge today. Sheesh. MY GOD I JUST WANT TO COOK MY OWN DAMN FOOD. Yes, I feel strongly enough about that to use all caps. There aren't that many places to eat here and we've hit nearly all of them in the last 12 days. However, Welsh dairy, Welsh bacon, and Welsh tea are all delish. There's a fabulous bakery and amazing Indian food here too. It's gorgeous, peaceful and friendly and everyone does actually speak Welsh. Well, except for the English transplants here. They seem to stubbornly refuse to learn.

What else. I've sort of started my school work. It's hard to focus when I spend several hours a day running around organizing our mail and council taxes and blah blah blah. But other than that stuff, it's great! Bennett is growing like a weed and loves playing outside. He runs to the door and points.... sort of like a dog. He's already said his first Welsh word: coch, which means red.

I really want to get settled so we can go explore more of the area. I've read there are some anciet bogs not far from here.

Oh, also, this uni is a World of Warcraft dork's dream. Every undergrad looks like they need a shower, a shave and a lifetime membership to the SCA. Except for all of the Chinese students (from China). They are wonderful.

Off to buy a fridge now. And a shower attachment.

Packing for PCon. Bennett is pulling out all of my pumping stuff. I have the shakes but no discernable fever. Looking forward to the con, but trying to take things one moment at a time so as not to run myself into the ground. I am grateful that we have a room at the site itself and not at one of the overflow hotels. This happened at the last minute when a friend of a friend had to cancel her trip - we took her room. AWESOME.

My baby is fab. My life is pretty good too. There's lots that stresses me out and scares me. For instance, I still haven't heard back from adviser. I just want her to acknowledge that I'm moving across the world to study with her. Go? No? I just want to know she knows I'm coming.... At this point it feels like the tide is sweeping us over there.

When I'm sick my posture goes to shit.

Alright homies, I'm out for the time being. I hope you all have a great Friday the 13th. Don't get ambushed by the pope's minions!

Something's up with my program. I received a cryptic letter from the University of Wales yesterday. Only three sentences and very vague. Something about my program no longer being eligible for Title IV funds and therefore they can't accept my US student loan. This is worrisome. However, I'm pretty sure I paid for the entire program upfront with one huge loan. Unless I am such a financial idiot that the program was three times as expensive as I thought and I read "yearly costs" as "program costs." I don't know. I thought I was paid up for the whole thing, in which case this won't affect me. I haven't taken any money out for this year anyway.

I've written my registrar and adviser to try to figure out what's going on. It is possible I am actually no longer a student. And to be honest? I'm not sure I'll mind. I don't want the money I have paid to be lost (I'd like a refund of some sort if I am no longer eligible for the program and it's not my doing!), but easing the stress of being a new mum, working part time AND being a student will be welcome. I mean, it's not like I'm actually *doing* any work toward the degree anyway. My ego gets a nice boost when I say "I'm a PhD student" but I'm not doing any work on the damn degree.

I know that degree program or no, when I'm ready I'll be back at it, reading the books and thinking the thoughts, because that's what I do. This work has never been about any kind of concrete outcome, a career or a degree. It's more of a compulsion. I love this topic and seem to be able to do the sort of mental gymnastics needed to be all academic n' shit about theology.

Some one asked me this morning if I would consider transferring to another program, but I'm wouldn't. I don't want to jump through the hoops required in a US program. I like being dissertation only and not having to take classes and pass comps and quals. I like not having to move to a specific place to do the work. And there's also the fact that there aren't that many people doing work on the Virgin Mary, much less feminist work on her.

We'll see what happens. But it's quite telling that I'm not crushed.

[Also I need new icons. I need new Mary icons, as well food and politics and book icons me thinks. I can make icons on my pc at work, but have yet to figure it out on my mac.]

How's my relationship these days?
My relationship with Adam is awesome. This week especially it could not be better. He's putting up with a hell of a lot of moodiness and craziness from me - ah, pregnancy. In general, though I am so lucky to be with someone who I respect and enjoy so much. Plus, we work together and I'm really glad we're already sleeping together, because today he's wearing this really nice black, button-down shirt with well fitting black slacks and he looks HOT. I would have been totally distracted with lustful thoughts at this morning's meeting if I didn't know he was already coming home with me.

Regarding my PhD studies, what am I reading? What am I thinking about?
Hahahahahahaha! Nothing. To both questions. I am the worst student ever. Haven't read anything in a month, have barely had a theological thought or even an interesting thought in weeks. I promise that once I get back on that - and this burn out will pass, eventually - I'll post something.

And now, a question for all of you:
Facebook. How many of you are on it? Do you like it? Is it interesting? It seems like everybody and their grandma is on it. My 60 yr old aunt is on there! But is it anything more than a place where people play scrabulous and collect "friends"? Can meaningful relationship building occur there? I'm thinking that I might attempt to track down some old friends through it, but the last thing I want is one more networking site to keep track of, or one more way to find me on the internet.

Pregnancy is helping make clear my priorities. I am forced to slow down, to admit that I can't do everything, to accept my limitations (I have those?). This is sometimes a beautiful thing to behold, but most of the time it's just really painful. I knew I couldn't be a mom, a professional and a student. And I can't be. I can't even be pregnant, a professional and a student. Not to mention the other things that I do, things that are meaningful and important to me. I am moving at a much, much slower pace, but the world around me is not slowing down with me.

Dammit.

I had a freak out last night - I'll just leave it that. Mostly it was me feeling overwhelmed at all that was on my plate, facing the reality that I can't do it all and throwing a bit of a tantrum about that, as well as heaping a load of guilt and blame on myself - because I'm the one who signed up for school, I'm the one in charge of my schedule, I'm the one who decided to try to get pregnant. (In my defense, I thought it would take much longer to get pregnant.) I am avoiding the conversation with my adviser wherein I ask to be moved down to part time status. Where I 'fess up to doing fuckall in the work department. I'm avoiding dealing with a particular co-worker, one who just doesn't get it and it's my role to ensure communication and boundaries in the office. I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with this woman's defenses and bullshit. I don't deal with my anger and fears well when they come up.

But, like the weak and streaky sun breaking through after a storm, I am recovering a bit this morning after last night's blow out. This momentary clarity reveals to me several things:

*I don't want to work any longer than I have to. I derive a lot of satisfaction from my professional life, the connections I've gained in the Jewish community, and the work my nonprofit does. However, my personal work is far more important to me. I want to do my work and raise my kid. That's a couple full time jobs right there.

*Me not working puts an ENORMOUS financial strain on my household. I'm not convinced that we can live in the Bay Area on Adam's salary alone - even with the raise he got this week. But I know that many people do far more on less and if we make a plan (go planning!), a budget (weep, sob), and milk the student loans (the abyss deepens) it is possible.

*I do not want to give up my studies. I will do this work, whether or not I get the three little letters to attach to my name or if it takes me 4 years or 8 or 12 or 20.

So what do I want? In no particular order I want to raise my kid, get my PhD, get certified as a yoga instructor, sing with a professional group, and continue my spiritual practices. These are the things that I look forward to in my day. These are the things that when I think about the future I envision. These are the things that when making decisions, like moving and schedules and whatnot, I make sure to take into account. (I also want to be able to spend more time in Alaska and be able to visit my friends who are far away, but that's part of a whole 'nother discussion.)

So I put this out into the world: by this time next year I don't want to be working outside the home.

By witch eye, so mote it be, make it so, amen. And all that.

I am reading (still) Sarah Boss, my adviser's book Empress and Handmaid, on nature and gender in the cult of the Virgin Mary. The chapter on the Immaculate Conception is a revelation to me. I have so much to learn! Most of my understanding of traditional views of original sin come from the Augustinian view point: that thanks to concupiscence (lust, essentially) no conception is pure and all flesh is tainted with sin. Anselm (1033-1109), an important Catholic theologian who I am mostly unfamiliar with, "taught that original sin was the absence of the original justice with which the world was created". I can't parse exactly what the nuances of this are yet, but it jives a whole hell of lot more with I perceive sin to be. And, according to my adviser, it was this view of creation that inspired the doctrine of Immaculate Conception; it was out of a desire to preserve the goodness and integrity of creation and flesh as exemplified in Mary that the Immaculate Conception was first discussed.

This is a big shift for my brain. I have long railed against the Immac. Conc. and the idea of original sin. I loathed the idea that Mary needed to be preserved from the foulness of the flesh. She has always been to me an example of true unity of spirit and flesh/creation. Like the Buddhists reaching Nirvana and becoming one in spirit with the great Void, Mary is an example of uniting the distracted human spirit embodied in created flesh with the Divinity of God, while still living on this earth. I have considered this a sign that life is not as depraved as so many strains of Christianity would have us believe, that sin (pick your definition) isn't so insurmountable, and that creation and flesh are not incompatible with union with God. And that is possible for us humans and possibly in this lifetime. At the very least, we can touch and taste the sweetness evidenced by all the saints that go before us. (I do not limit only Christian saints in this example. I'm quite pluralistic.)

This is why I study theology. For every week that I feel shrouded in the dark frustrations of maddening theologies (or, annoyed and dismayed by stupid old white men spouting off conclusions that make me feel like I'm wasting my time and killing my faith), there are days where goodness, truth and beauty shine out and I feel like I'm not crazy, or alone.