A Fresh Start

Called the sis. She was cooking dinner. No baby yet. Cecelia's taking her own sweet time. S. said she's had a hard time concentrating this week; she's supposed to be working on a paper. My sister works part time, has a kindergardener, and is a full time nursing student (oh yeah, and she's married; we'll let that lie). She said to me that at this point, she'd like the baby to hold off until Wed; she's got a test on Tues. and needs to study.

My god. The woman is amazing.

On that note, I went off to eat sushi. The plants were fragrant and the night felt lush with spring. On the walk back, perfectly sated and just the right kind of full, the full moon shone like a beacon in the sky. It's penetrating gaze mezmerised me in the courtyard. It's light would not let me pass without notice and appropriate homage.

I have completed my evening with "Nausicca of the Valley of the Wind," another of Hiyao Miyazaki's animated films. His environmental spiritualism makes me to write theology with similar profundity and subtlty. I also love his commitment to pacifism, his refusal to see good & evil in black & white terms, and his powerful female heroines. Three cheers for creative inspiration!

Received an email from my father tonight- second email in two months, the most communication in nine months. He called me his "Madonna wannabe daughter" and wonders if I'm in my "toy-boy" phase.

He thinks I'm "predisposed to pessimism."

My father emailed me; he replied to mine. Three paragraphs. It's the most he's said to me in 7 months. Since June the only other time I've talked with him is when I called home in Sept and he answered and then passed me along to Mum. It was a nice email. Still...... he made no mention of my engagement. Can it be that no one's told him? Or is it he's thinking snide thoughts and rolling his eyes on the other side of the globe? The latter is unfortunately most likely. I just don't have the emotional energy or mental space to deal with our relationship right now.

I am trying to make the days feel more holiday-ish. I have missmary6's wonderful Christmas disc playing and some red and green candles lit in an effort to get some pep. It's not cold, there isn't any snow, and there won't be any. We had a storm last night. The rattling windows and pelting rain reminded me of fall. Fall is winter here. Which isn't a bad thing. Actually, it's quite wonderful here: grey fog and overcast sky with clear pale sun filtering through, a damp nip to the air, and wet detritus littering the concrete walkways. I like it and feel cozy. But not Christmasy.

I suppose the general stressed out chaos round these parts doesn't help the situation. Everyone's stress sucks the delight out of the air as people freak over papers due and organizing family plans. I am grateful for my new, surrogate family. I have spoken to my mother twice in the month of November, so I'm way over my Oct-April budget. And my sister seems to be MIA. I so want to love my family and have them love me too. But I guess I can't dictate how they love me. I just have to take what they offer, which often doesn't feel like much.

Maybe once school is out and papers turned in and people go away it will feel more like the holidays. I'll have some time to send cards and maybe get a pointsettia for my room. And plan a solstice party for Feast Bay.

I am crushed out and blissed out and really fuckin' happy with the people in my life these days. The Icelandic scholar, the retro redhead, and the non-gendered justic worker make me happy every time we get together, which lately has been almost daily. I always wanted a loose but tight little circle of friends. It is wonderful to have vibrant independent women and non-gendered folk in my life.

And the men around here also warm my heart. Last year it was a rather juvenile frustrating affair. This year, there is a welcoming enthusiastic circle of men that get together and throw theme parties and host poker nights. The congregate in the quad and give hugs. And bonus points for them, they welcome Adam into the fold. They ask after him and invite him individually of me. This is how community ought to feel, I think.

Male or female, the support for our engagement has been beautiful. His family is really excited. His mother called and left an adorable message welcoming me into the family. I hope my parents don't crush my heart with their ambivalence. They still don't know. I'm not quite sure when they return to civilization. 8 years ago, the last time I was engaged, I don't remember this kind of enthusiasm or warmth. And for good reason, I just wish someone would have said "You two would be better off as friends." But I guess that was for me to realize. This time feels like the way it ought to have been.

Died.

I feel the need to post this so that I do not so casually dismiss the death of my family dog, the only dog my family has ever had. Heidi would have been 17 sometime this fall/winter. Maybe she already was 17. She was the happiest, blindest, deafest, stiffest, and with a rotting eye, dog that ever there was.

I am sick. Damn sinuses.

This trip has been too long. My family's house - especially dinners - has an oppressive air that only a guest can highlight. Geez, it'd be great if my dad made an effort with Adam. The joke was "at least he's a man!" Nope. Not even that gets Dad interested. Adam is crumbling under the pressure of uselessness: can't drive, wouldn't know where to go if he could, quiet time is still in the presence of family... I thought this trip would go differently. This is easily the hardest thing we've faced together. However, I think we are dealing with this challenge valiantly. A real learning experience. But, my life is nothing but learning experiences right now. I wanted a vacation!

In other news, went to see Rory Merritt Stitt perform as part of Juneau Pride festivities. What a dull crowd, what a half-assed event. Ah, the quiet gay community of a small Alaskan town. I didn't think it was Rory's best show, but damn, can that guy sing!

Also, got a free whale watching tour yesterday. I love being on the water. Saw a rookery of sea lions. The requisite bald eagles. Two whales, a mom and a calf, napping and rolling about on the surface. Not very exciting. They look like slick dark logs with flippers. But still.

For some reason I just can't unwind here. My soul is not fully embracing this place. Maybe it's a saftey mechanism because I know that I'm going back to California. I will miss the green, the wet, the trees, the known uninhabited exapanses, but my life is in Berkeley and I am itching to get back to it. To get started on the summer projects. To get Adam back and our life together back. To get away from this awkwardness. By getting the projects done (for me: school stuff, working, research, PhD hunting; for Adam: finding a good job) we can begin thinking about what next. The big compromise for both of us is geography. Facing that challenge feels like thinking of PhD programs - sometimes thinking of it gets me excited about the joys of that challenge, othertimes I feel downright exhausted.

And something else that sucks: I think grad school has sucked my joy of reading away. I cannot concentrate on a novel to save my life. I'm STILL trying to finish "The Last Temptation of Christ" by Kazantzakis. 9 months later!