a ten year anniversary of sorts

[theatokos]

I will now proceed to out myself.


Last night I dreamt of YWAM. Maps figured prominently in this dream, as did a row boat. But in my dream I was definitely visiting a YWAM group of some sort or another. I realized, upon waking, that right about now, 10 years ago, I was packing my things and getting ready to head to Ireland for what I call, when I speak about it at all, a "ministry program." I usually leave it at that and then proceed to talk about Ireland, the place. But this ministry program was with an international evangelical Christian missionary organization. Youth With A Mission - started in the 60s as a radical evangelical youth movement. I chose to go because I really wanted to go abroad, I really wanted to immerse myself in something spiritually positive (a girl I knew had been to one and spoke highly of it), I really wanted to see if ministry was for me. I was scared shitless to go. I was afraid it was going to be all the things I hated about going to church. And it was. It was everything I hated about church: hand waving, bad music singing, one girl told me that reading Camus was a bad idea because existentialism was from the devil (many of the people also loved good music and had excellent taste in books). But YWAM Dublin was much more manageable thanks to the DIY spirit of the Irish branch (low funds, little organization, etc.) and to the international staff and students that wouldn't let the loud Americans high-jack everything their way, try as we might. Thank god our ministry was arts based and we didn't have to do much of the obnoxious "let's convert heathens to Jesus" shtick.

It was here that I met Jana, the lovely Czech woman with a devotion to Mary. I believe my first conversations about the Blessed Virgin were with her. I still have the rock that she brought me from the top of Croagh Patrick - a rocky mountain of pilgrimage that Jana hiked barefoot. It was here that I realized once and for all that evangelical Christianity was not for me.

I often wonder what shape my life would have taken if I had stayed for an extra year, instead of returning to Bellingham to get married. As much as I am against the evangelical model there is something comforting about being surrounded by people who have such a fervent belief, that live in a true DIY community honestly eschewing materialism for a deeper commitment. I miss that feeling of "anything can happen - all things are possible!"

It seems really weird to me to voice out loud that I did something so mainstream and evangelical as a stint with YWAM. Me, feminist, anti-imperialist, pagan, girl-loving me. But I sometimes wonder. What drew me to YWAM is that feeling and desire that I sometimes get when I think about being a monk or a priest. There's something just a little set apart, just a little not of this world, something carved out by a discipline not gained in a gym. Something that makes me think every now and again "I want what they've got."

Comments

[ginger-root.livejournal.com]

This is particularly fantastic: there is something comforting about being surrounded by people who have such a fervent belief, that live in a true DIY community honestly eschewing materialism for a deeper commitment.

I can totally relate to this desire. This "I want what they've got" feeling. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this in the past few years, especially since working at WREN (the non-profit I work for). I think it comes down to the fact that we all deeply need to feel a part of something. We need a community, in some form, because of our desperate need to connect, to feel like our lives are furthering some deeper goal (even if that deeper goal is simply to grow some righteous tomatoes), or some collective joy.

There is something particularly attractive about a spiritual community, and that's something I miss in my life. I've never been a part of a like-minded spiritual group of people, and I think that incredibly deep bond of believing in the same origins of ourselves, or in the same sort of creation, or whatever, is just so seductive, and warm, and comforting (as you said). It's colder when we're alone with lots of people milling around us who all believe different things. To make myself feel better, I tell myself that I'm learning a lot, and therefore, always growing, and that to be in a group of people who all believe the same thing is to stagnate on a religious level. Sometimes telling myself that works, and sometimes not. ;)

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

As much as I know, both experientially and theoretically, about the evils and drawbacks of spiritual community, I too find it attractive. I've never been a joiner - can't even handle team sports. Although, oddly, I really like singing in choirs. So far the non-profit and musical/creative worlds have filled my need for community. I've recently begun studying with a pagan group and it's been a good experience so far. But it's mainly a bunch of solitary practitioners that only meet every few months and discuss via email. I really really want to be part of a church, but I can just never seem to make it happen. I think I like the idea more than the reality.

a ten year anniversary

[(Anonymous)]

Niki - I remember you arrived and sat in the lounge at High Park, wearing Navy Nail varnish, I remember walking into Dublin city with you, I remember you blushing (yes, you!) once when you said something that even you found embarassing, I remember you thinking that Jana was the best one to play Mary, I remember your respect for others, even when you didn't like their perspective, I remember enlightening and empowering coversations, I remember all you gave, and God, I'm happy to have met you.
I celebrate that you were with YWAM - even for a while - it has peppered the taste of my experience. Pepper is a great, great gift. Much love, Pád.

Re: a ten year anniversary

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Padraig!!

You may not realize it, but you also outed my name, which I've never used here before. But, ah well, I guess it's time.

I have very fond memories of my time in Ireland and it's high time I got myself back there.

When will you be updating your blog? I am thinking of you too.

and another thing

[(Anonymous)]

I'm still remembering - you in a spanish-outfit shaking your skirts at me, the photograph of me on my knees proposing to you in the awful, damp, many-memoried dining room, you singing to the accompaniment of Austrian Martin on piano, wanting to be sitting near you in one of those barely-held-together busses we used to travel round in because I was always guaranteed good conversation with you, you saying "heck-yeah" so much that you're still "heck-yeah-niki" in my computer, and finally, the glorious and beautiful moment when you were getting your DTS certificate, and I laid down a rope on the floor and invited you, for beauty, fun and truth, to jump across that line in full, and technicoloured richness. You hiked up your skirt - a long, dark woolen one - and did your little jump with pride & gusto. I was honoured and delighted to be celebrating you and all that you brought in that moment. It still makes me smile. I certainly wanted a little of what you brought to YWAM Dublin - and I think I got it. Again, much peppery love, Pád.

Re: and another thing

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Stop! You're making me blush - all alone in my office at work. Shucks.

Re: and another thing

[(Anonymous)]

You? Blush? Heh, heh, heh. I must remind you of the time in Belfast when we were all travelling around when you blushed. It was a very amusing incident.

I haven't been able to update Mog's Blog, because I forgot the log-in name and the password and everything else besides. So, it has been relocated to: www.theblogofmog.blogspot.com

She's an interesting little experiment in affectionate Haiku.

Sorry to out your name by the way - nothing I can really do to undo the damage. Maybe I'll just call you random names in future. Eh Griselda?

Pád.

I miss Northern Ireland

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Just last week I was telling the story of that Belfast blushing incident! A funny moment - very characteristically me. Just think of the naked stories I could tell you now! Hahahahaha.... ahem. Ah, God's creation, such an amusing laugh riot.

I'm gonna go check out your haiku experiment right now.