a ten year anniversary of sorts
Sep. 25th, 2006 04:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theatokosI will now proceed to out myself.
Last night I dreamt of YWAM. Maps figured prominently in this dream, as did a row boat. But in my dream I was definitely visiting a YWAM group of some sort or another. I realized, upon waking, that right about now, 10 years ago, I was packing my things and getting ready to head to Ireland for what I call, when I speak about it at all, a "ministry program." I usually leave it at that and then proceed to talk about Ireland, the place. But this ministry program was with an international evangelical Christian missionary organization. Youth With A Mission - started in the 60s as a radical evangelical youth movement. I chose to go because I really wanted to go abroad, I really wanted to immerse myself in something spiritually positive (a girl I knew had been to one and spoke highly of it), I really wanted to see if ministry was for me. I was scared shitless to go. I was afraid it was going to be all the things I hated about going to church. And it was. It was everything I hated about church: hand waving, bad music singing, one girl told me that reading Camus was a bad idea because existentialism was from the devil (many of the people also loved good music and had excellent taste in books). But YWAM Dublin was much more manageable thanks to the DIY spirit of the Irish branch (low funds, little organization, etc.) and to the international staff and students that wouldn't let the loud Americans high-jack everything their way, try as we might. Thank god our ministry was arts based and we didn't have to do much of the obnoxious "let's convert heathens to Jesus" shtick.
It was here that I met Jana, the lovely Czech woman with a devotion to Mary. I believe my first conversations about the Blessed Virgin were with her. I still have the rock that she brought me from the top of Croagh Patrick - a rocky mountain of pilgrimage that Jana hiked barefoot. It was here that I realized once and for all that evangelical Christianity was not for me.
I often wonder what shape my life would have taken if I had stayed for an extra year, instead of returning to Bellingham to get married. As much as I am against the evangelical model there is something comforting about being surrounded by people who have such a fervent belief, that live in a true DIY community honestly eschewing materialism for a deeper commitment. I miss that feeling of "anything can happen - all things are possible!"
It seems really weird to me to voice out loud that I did something so mainstream and evangelical as a stint with YWAM. Me, feminist, anti-imperialist, pagan, girl-loving me. But I sometimes wonder. What drew me to YWAM is that feeling and desire that I sometimes get when I think about being a monk or a priest. There's something just a little set apart, just a little not of this world, something carved out by a discipline not gained in a gym. Something that makes me think every now and again "I want what they've got."
Last night I dreamt of YWAM. Maps figured prominently in this dream, as did a row boat. But in my dream I was definitely visiting a YWAM group of some sort or another. I realized, upon waking, that right about now, 10 years ago, I was packing my things and getting ready to head to Ireland for what I call, when I speak about it at all, a "ministry program." I usually leave it at that and then proceed to talk about Ireland, the place. But this ministry program was with an international evangelical Christian missionary organization. Youth With A Mission - started in the 60s as a radical evangelical youth movement. I chose to go because I really wanted to go abroad, I really wanted to immerse myself in something spiritually positive (a girl I knew had been to one and spoke highly of it), I really wanted to see if ministry was for me. I was scared shitless to go. I was afraid it was going to be all the things I hated about going to church. And it was. It was everything I hated about church: hand waving, bad music singing, one girl told me that reading Camus was a bad idea because existentialism was from the devil (many of the people also loved good music and had excellent taste in books). But YWAM Dublin was much more manageable thanks to the DIY spirit of the Irish branch (low funds, little organization, etc.) and to the international staff and students that wouldn't let the loud Americans high-jack everything their way, try as we might. Thank god our ministry was arts based and we didn't have to do much of the obnoxious "let's convert heathens to Jesus" shtick.
It was here that I met Jana, the lovely Czech woman with a devotion to Mary. I believe my first conversations about the Blessed Virgin were with her. I still have the rock that she brought me from the top of Croagh Patrick - a rocky mountain of pilgrimage that Jana hiked barefoot. It was here that I realized once and for all that evangelical Christianity was not for me.
I often wonder what shape my life would have taken if I had stayed for an extra year, instead of returning to Bellingham to get married. As much as I am against the evangelical model there is something comforting about being surrounded by people who have such a fervent belief, that live in a true DIY community honestly eschewing materialism for a deeper commitment. I miss that feeling of "anything can happen - all things are possible!"
It seems really weird to me to voice out loud that I did something so mainstream and evangelical as a stint with YWAM. Me, feminist, anti-imperialist, pagan, girl-loving me. But I sometimes wonder. What drew me to YWAM is that feeling and desire that I sometimes get when I think about being a monk or a priest. There's something just a little set apart, just a little not of this world, something carved out by a discipline not gained in a gym. Something that makes me think every now and again "I want what they've got."
a ten year anniversary
Date: 2006-09-26 08:01 am (UTC)I celebrate that you were with YWAM - even for a while - it has peppered the taste of my experience. Pepper is a great, great gift. Much love, Pád.
Re: a ten year anniversary
Date: 2006-09-26 05:19 pm (UTC)You may not realize it, but you also outed my name, which I've never used here before. But, ah well, I guess it's time.
I have very fond memories of my time in Ireland and it's high time I got myself back there.
When will you be updating your blog? I am thinking of you too.