Who am I not to be beautiful?

I have been reluctant to post. Basically, all the stuff that is interesting in my life these days seems too personal to post. However, I realize that the people I have been filling my life with these past few years aren't the mocking kind. They give me a hard time, but not mock. It's amazing how much support and room to be weird I get from my friends. The encouragement to be even bigger is a gift.

Last weekend I attended what I've been calling a "pagan workshop" but really it was the first weekend of a two year process. I have been hesitant all of my life to discuss two aspects of my life: singing (well, I discuss it a lot and sing very little for others) and religion. I can wax academic no problem. But discussing my own personal spiritual leanings and practices is another story. I'm sure this comes from a family for which I was always too loud, no one wanted to hear what I had to say, and practicality was valued over something as irrational as faith and religious experience. In any case, no one has looked at me askance when I've talked about my pagan weekend. Mostly friends just want to know more. I think this speaks highly of the people in my life. They are secure enough in themselves that others have room to be different from them. Yay!

Back to the weekend itself. It was fantastic. Weird, of course, but it exceeded my expectations. It's taught by a woman who I respect a great deal, T. Thorn Coyle. She's incredibly grounded and has done a lot of spiritual seeking and learning herself. She practices and teaches a form of witchcraft called Feri. I am intruiged for several reasons. One is that, while I am grounded in Christianity, I've always felt "Christian, and...." There are many things about paganism that I've been especially drawn to, the nature aspect and the recognition of experiences that are beyond explanation. Christianity just wants everything so rational, save for that faith part. However, with paganism I always feel "pagan, but....." I've decided to quit trying to choose and just explore what the intersection looks like in my life. Academically, I've been very interested in the pagan underpinnings of Christianity. But the only way to really know something is to experience it. One other interesting thing about Feri is that it is one of the only American-grown pagan traditions. Most other neo-pagan religions are European.

One of the things that was so extraordinary about the weekend was the people involved. Honestly I expected mostly Berkeley nutbags. All tie-dye and goth and all the other stereotypes that pop up when you think "pagan workshop in Berkeley." And yet, only one person really fell into the stereotype. I left the weekend thinking "Why couldn't my grad school have been filled with people like this??" Most were thoughtful, educated, curious, articulate, gracious, grounded. My experience has been that many pagans are reacting against bad Christian experiences. Everyone last weekend seemed to be actively choosing action and a belief system that genuinely spoke to their souls. I outed myself as spiritual hybrid and no one gave me grief. Several people told me they thought that was interesting, they wanted to know more, and in general thought it was positive work to be done.

I love this

"...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

From 'A Return To Love' (1992) by Marianne Williamson