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Aug. 21st, 2006 02:30 pmI draw a tarot card every day as part of my morning journal/prayer/meditation routine. I find that the card helps bring to light things I might want to avoid or not notice, and it helps me focus. This is helpful when I'm bleary and would rather just crawl back into bed.
Yesterday, while riding back from drinking wine in Sonoma, I had an attack of my singing anxiety. It's amazing how the littlest thing can trigger it and then it's like my carefully stacked house of cards comes crumbling down. I tried not to respond to it, to just notice it, feel it, but not get caught up in it. Why ruin such a nice afternoon? Why make things worse by getting into a fight with Adam? Why make myself miserable?
This morning I drew the Devil. Here is what one website had to say:
"It must be stressed again that the Devil is not a force that attacks from without, but a cancer than devours you from within. When the Devil is in power everything turns upside-down; hence, the inverted Pentagram associated with him. When you submit to your inner Devil, you simultaneously submit to every other force in the outside world that would do you harm. You allow others to bind you and control your life. You allow your creative powers to be corrupted and turned against you. But through all of this you are not a victim of anyone but yourself. In fact, in a sense you are not really a victim at all, and certainly not helpless."
This is exactly how I feel about my singing bullshit. The struggle between what my voice sounds like and what I'd like it sound like - not just in strength of quality but in the quality of its nature - is completely binding. This internal chaos is a devil.
I will re-read my last post. That quote is a good antidote to this baloney riddling my head.
Yesterday, while riding back from drinking wine in Sonoma, I had an attack of my singing anxiety. It's amazing how the littlest thing can trigger it and then it's like my carefully stacked house of cards comes crumbling down. I tried not to respond to it, to just notice it, feel it, but not get caught up in it. Why ruin such a nice afternoon? Why make things worse by getting into a fight with Adam? Why make myself miserable?
This morning I drew the Devil. Here is what one website had to say:
"It must be stressed again that the Devil is not a force that attacks from without, but a cancer than devours you from within. When the Devil is in power everything turns upside-down; hence, the inverted Pentagram associated with him. When you submit to your inner Devil, you simultaneously submit to every other force in the outside world that would do you harm. You allow others to bind you and control your life. You allow your creative powers to be corrupted and turned against you. But through all of this you are not a victim of anyone but yourself. In fact, in a sense you are not really a victim at all, and certainly not helpless."
This is exactly how I feel about my singing bullshit. The struggle between what my voice sounds like and what I'd like it sound like - not just in strength of quality but in the quality of its nature - is completely binding. This internal chaos is a devil.
I will re-read my last post. That quote is a good antidote to this baloney riddling my head.