Gender trouble

[theatokos]

erinya commented on my last post and got me thinking. Bennett is discovering male and female. Erinya liked that I asked if he wanted to be a woman when he shook his head no when I told him he was going to be a man. I realize that gender is something we're not supposed to play around with. I mean, I know this in grown up life. If you're gender-queer or a cross-dresser or transgender or just plain don't conform then you're in Big Trouble. But for kids gender continues to be Serious Business. Of course there's the whole pink/blue nonsense and I would probably die of a brain aneurysm if I had to watch children's advertising. But how is it bold to suggest to my toddler that he could be a woman? We play pretend all the time. Kids pretend to be fire trucks, dogs, lions, ghosts, monsters, etc and we don't bat an eye. But to let a boy play girl or a girl play boy... well, that's radical.

I suppose the radical part is that I seriously believe my son can be anything he wants to be. And if he grows up to be a woman, so be it. I admit that my heart would break (and heal up) if he felt so disembodied that he needed to surgically and hormonally alter it - since I love every pore on his little body, every hair and curve and crease. I have had a loved one go through that before and it was deeply difficult. But, ultimately, I want my son to be happy. I don't care if he's male or female, gay or straight or bi or poly or monogamous or asexual. I just want him to not be a jackass and to be happy with healthy relationships.

So far, he seems very boyish: trucks, cars, ka-pow, hitting, wands, and penises (which we call penne). But whatever.

Comments

[msmidge.livejournal.com]

It didn't strike me as unusual at all that you asked him if he'd want to be a woman. It might have if B. were 6 years old, but not at this age.

Today Sam told me his drum was special for boys and I couldn't touch it. I told him he's not allowed to say things like that and if he hears other kids say that, he should tell them to knock it off. Sheesh. What is he learning at school?!

[chiv.livejournal.com]

"But to let a boy play girl or a girl play boy... well, that's radical."

I guess it depends on the context; I remember in nursery and primary school plays and nativities girls would frequently play boys* although not the other way around.**

*a subtle encouragement against the segregated roles between the genders and that girls were perfectly entitled to strive for traditionally male dominated careers?
**I guess they were afraid we might turn into mini-Pythons (or worse; Ronnies Barker and Corbett).

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

There is a loooong tradition of girls can be boys/masculine but boys can never be girls/feminine, because male is normative and to be feminine is the ultimate insult. So, girls can wear pants, but woe betide the skirt-wearing male. Girls can be tough, but woe to the crying man who is soft. Etc ad naseum.

[keypike.livejournal.com]

But, ultimately, I want my son to be happy. I don't care if he's male or female, gay or straight or bi or poly or monogamous or asexual.

I couldn't agree more.

[erinya.livejournal.com]

♥

I dream of a world in which we can all step back and forth between genders if and when we want to, and play that kind of play without being afraid. And where people who have penises and like trucks can be pretty girls if they want to, and people without penises can be boys too, or whatever shade of gender they desire. It just fills my heart up to know that there are parents like you who are letting their children play. Because whatever Ben grows up to be, it's a gift that not many get, to grow up free.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Aw. I hope that he can be as free as possible! But I know that we'll fuck him up somehow, somewhere. Hopefully we'll also be able to pass on tools and support to undo it, and hopefully he'll see that it's possible as Adam and I continue to work toward our own freedom.