Sehnsucht

[theatokos]

Sitting in apocalyptic literature class tonight, topic = the Book of Revelation. Tired of hearing the twins behind me mutter "amen" or "preach it," nice and bright though they are. This text makes total sense in the larger apocalyptic genre, but wow, do I find it a hard sell in the context of the New Testament. The author is writing about a beleaguered community (the new Christian sect) within a beleaguered community (the Jews of post-Temple diaspora) in reaction against the violent and oppressive Roman Empire. The metaphors are pretty plain in that context. Piecing this together eases my mind about the text, but not about the fruit and nuts that write things like the Left Behind series (no, I will not link to it). I do not have an apocalyptic or eschatological bone in my body. Thus, a big gaping hole sits in my theology and symbol set because of that. I've just never cared about what comes next. I am more concerned about what now.

I zone out during class, thinking about my own need for community and my own understanding of what religion means. It's about community and our lived experience of the Divine; it's about the ways and whys we interact with creation and one another; it's about our struggle against "sin and death" as individuals, though only conquering as a people.

I cannot abide the military/warfare obsession in the bible. It only replaces one tyranny with another. Yahweh was a war god, a tribal god, an angry god. How can this god be my god, too? It is completely contrary to my experience and developing theology. Every time I read the bible I want to leave Christianity behind. What does this say about my belief? And yet, I am incapable of doing so. I cannot throw away the symbolism and good parts I do find there, but the bible alone is not enough.

I am obsessed with God. This obsession has shadowed me (lovingly much of the time, but like a stalker at other times) since I was at least 12, maybe even younger. How am I to write theology in such a constant state of turmoil and ambiguity? How do I raise children in a similar state? I need symbol, community, liturgy, a vision of God to link earth, community, life. Paganism lacks a history, a narrative to join. (Neo-paganism as a whole attempts to create this, which in the long run won't be a problem, but for me, now, it is.) Christianity, from which I crib my symbol set, my myth, my vision of Jesus, has a tradition, a theology, a narrative, a past, present, and future.

At breakfast today a fellow student asked me if I felt lucky to have been born in Alaska. I said yes, but that I felt luckier to have been raised there. In some of the more evangelical circles, language such as "god-shaped hole" is used to described some assumed longing in the soul, a longing that only Jesus can solve; he is the key to our rusty lock. I crave a community, with rhythms, seasons, cycles, and boundaries. I think my hole is Alaska sized, and not even god or Jesus or church can fill it, though I am desperately trying.

Comments

[epymetheus.livejournal.com]

It's always interesting listening to you attempt to extricate yourself from the mire of your belief. I think that you have an intensely primitive sense of god that in no way gels with the contemporary interpretation of divinity. That for you the divine is linked inextricably with the land that you long for, and that outside that specific locale you may not be able to find god. Your discussions of god are visceral and I do not think it is merely coincidental that references to Alaska invariably arise in your discussions of need, satisfaction and belief.

This may seem to be a negative interpretation of what you consider your screwy belief system, but it's not, or at least it's not supposed to be. What I see in you is a passion for the land that does not make sense in the permanent transience of modern world where the signifier has detached itself permanently from that which it was meant to communicate and modify. You may think this too post-modern an interpretation, but in a world where sports teams change cities on a whim, and our food travels more than we do I think it both a salient and pointed example of why your god doesn't make sense in this christianity, and why the orthodox church, so stubbornly primitive, primal in its sense of christianity, appeals to you. The modern christian needs a god for all possible spaces, on which can be accessed from any hotel room or air port lobby all across the globe, like a gideon bible, on that makes sense in all cultures and time zones that can speak of all things at all times, so that our wisdom and our understanding through god can be immediately and omnisciently applicable no matter where we go. In short, if your god is not digital, then what good is it?

Your attraction to Jesus, although superficially linked to your ideas of religion, isn't the same as your discussion of god. In some ways, if god is your land unconscious, uncaring, immense, and immortal, then jesus is your society, articulate, revolutionary, religious, humble, intelligent, pious. They feed one another, but are separate entities that have distinct and dissimilar purposes, and while they overlap, never serve the same purposes.

If you continue this allegorical interpretation of belief Mary becomes the individual, completing the circle, answering yes to God, the land and giving birth to Christ the society (for where does society come from if not the individual?), and following the teachings of Christ, for while Mary is aware of her responsibility for bringing christ into the world, she also understands that she must subsume herself for the greater revelation and success of what she has created. It will be interesting to see how you reconcile this intimate and personal belief system that apparently has nothing to do with the contemporary incarnation of the divine, much more concerned with WJWD and cutting out their own market-share for equally violent video games.

A.

PS. It's nice to have my brain back.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Reworked trinity, here I come. I don't want to start my own religion or church and yet, you make it sound so reasonable. It's hard going alone. All my talk of and desire for community (whatever that is coming to mean, some pie-in-the-sky pedastil dwelling mystery) remind me that I need to be within a narrative and actually living within a flesh and blood community. I can't just hold out for the perfect one, for it may never exist. Plus, the whole notion of "you don't serve my needs, so I'll go do my own thing" is such a modern, un-primitive response. I don't want to be that way.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I need your poking, proding, and insight to make sense of all this.

[turquoiselady.livejournal.com]

i can so relate to what you write here.
i have tried lately to live and believe exclusively "church-wise", or how can i say it, because making my own way and sorting through beliefs and practices on my own tends to get hard. it is like with my native american heritage: i don't fit in the traditional world, neither do i completely fit in the modern world. likewise, i don't fit in within christianity, but not completely at home in the pagan world either. maybe i am a reclaiming/dianic with cherokee roots and a christian touch? but how absurd does that sound! i tried some christian wicca/witch groups, but reading "in the name of our lord jesus christ, i invoke the pentacle of power" sounds somewhat "awkward" to me, if it doesn't make me cringe out right. gnosticism isn't really an option either because of spirit-matter dualism and the entirely negative view of creation.
so here i am again, with my altar that has Sophia, Sekhmet and Bast on it, having rublev's icon of the holy trinity hanging above it, and my bible and various theology books next to it. guess i'll have to find my way in between starhawk and rosemary r-r.
eek, help!

on another note, when i was in CA, i wanted desperately to get a statue of the virgin of guadeloupe, but didn't get around to it unfortunately. of the the faces of mary, that one is special to me.
made me think of you! have a great day! and just don't listen to those twins...
being moew concerned with present-day life is healthier than looking what's happening in the next (or previous, in some cases) life...
:-)

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Is there are support group for people like us? I laughed out loud at the pentacle of power line. I'll say that's awkward! Theologically, if not poetically. Or vice-versa. Knowing that other people think like me, or at the very least, struggle with a similar confliction, encourages me to keep pushing forward in this work.

[urbanbard.livejournal.com]

Most of your post had me nodding my head in agreement, wanting to say "amen" like the people in your class who annoy you.

But one line I want to call you on.
"I do not have an apocalyptic or eschatological bone in my body"

Do you want to see an end to war? An end to poverty, and oppression? Do you want to be a small part of bringing about a world which isn't polarized and oppressive to sexual minorities?

All of that is eschatology.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Yes, but in this world or in the hereafter? I'm under the impression that eschatology is about the end times and the last things. I definitely beleive we need to work for heaven on earth, that this the kingdom is at hand and present within/among us.

[urbanbard.livejournal.com]

The whole 'end times' second coming, etc, is only one versio of eschtalogy and, many biblical scholars would argue, a false reading.

The idea of wanting to make the world a different place, in the here and now, making the world more in line with religious ideals of peace and community and the like are very much eschatological ideas.