A Fresh Start

I have been reading Patristic texts about gender. More specifically, I have been reading what the Eastern Church Fathers (great thinkers of the Eastern Orthodox Church in the early centuries of AD) have to say about gender and how it fits into God's plan. That means a great deal of parsing Genesis 1:26-27, with a little extra input from the second creation story in Genesis 2 and one or two verses from Paul in the New Testament. I kid you not when I say that the religious justification of women's subordination comes from a mere handful of verses, barely a paragraph's worth.

It is infuriating at times to realize that there was a long debate over whether or not woman could be redeemed, whether woman is made in the imago Dei, and what her relation to man is. Never was there debate on whether or not woman was to be subordinate to man, for that was taken as a given. Some thinkers took that as merely a social construct, but one that should be upheld for the healthy order of society nonetheless. Some thinkers actually applied a moral and spiritual value to woman's subordination. With some thinkers I can see past the influence of time and place - one cannot apply feminist expectations to men (or women) living 18 centuries ago - and get to the core of their words. Other thinkers are misogynist and awful in any time or place. Reading all of this can be awfully depressing. Especially when I realize that so very little has changed. Women continue to be thought of as less than men. This is institutionalized in many cultures, but it is clear in our own: just look at any magazine cover, the debates over abortion, rape statistics, etc. (If you are not convinced that women are still evaluated on their sexual "merits" - their pussy power and uterus utilization, if you will - please read this wonderful blog, written by Twisty Faster, Spinster Aunt.)

However, there are a few consolations to be found in reading the Patristics. First, they put in perspective many issues of today. Why men and women are divided has been a concern for a long time. Secondly, these Christians were not afraid to use the wealth of knowledge available to them at the time, unlike certain very belligerent Christian strains these days which run from science as if it were an STD. These thinkers adapted Hellenistic modes of discourse and sought to incorporate what science they had, flawed though we know it to be today. They embraced new knowledge, not necessarily as a way to bolster their arguments, but because science was one way of learning more about God.

Still. I wonder if women will ever quit getting blamed for the Fall of the world. When will women quit being seen as pussies, tits, and wombs? When will our bodies stop being commodities for men to broker? When will we have status beyond how we uphold the patriarchal status quo? The deep divisions between men and women go back at least 3,000 years. It is written into the fabric of the Western creation myth. I am not encouraged. I am inspired to fight the good fight, but sometimes I wonder why and what for.

As Mary begins to fade into in my mind like the setting sun - beautifully at an end and yet also only for a time; for She waits to rise again in the morning - other ideas and issues percolate to the surface. I am attempting to approach singing as something for others and not for myself. I have issues of selfishness that I dress up in other clothes, when really, I just can't share. I have been hoarding my voice, out of self-protection, but hoarding nonetheless, and like the Dead Sea that has no outlet, my voice sits and stagnates.

Also percolating: a few theological ideas. One, I want to learn more about Trinitarian theology and pneumatology (holy spirit stuff), and rework the Trinity into God as genderneutral with Jesus and Mary as the other two. This is heresy, but it avoids the filioque issue, on which the Catholics and Orthodox disagree (the Catholics added the filioque clause into the Creed, which says the Holy Spirit proceeds from the Father and the Son; the Orthodox thinks it proceeds only from the Father). Second, idea is about a eucharistic approach to food and our consumption of it. I think this is a fruitful connection for ecofeminist theology. Third, I'd like to learn more about Mary Magdalene and do somekind of Mary/Mary work on them, like them as bookends to Jesus. I hope to explore these ideas over the next few..... decades.

Working on this thesis, working so obsessively, so constantly, so hard, has really changed the way my brain works. I don't want to lose momentum. I want to dust off my Latin! I want to go check out periodicals in French! I want to sit and drink coffee and dawdle under trees reading the crusty ol' Fathers!

I want to go boldly forward with this oh-so-slim boost in confidence, skill, and opportunity. I desperately don't want to stop now.

( This ) is an outline for my thesis, due on Tuesday. Feedback welcome.

I promised a list of books that I have found interesting and helpful in my studies. Here it is, with commentary.

( books )

Right now, I'm sick of this PhD nonesense. I don't care! I don't want to become ubergeek and kiss ass to know "those in the know" and publish just because it looks good on the resume! No no no!

But what the hell do I do around here if I DON'T go on to a PhD program? I don't want to move to New Jersey or LA or Atlanta. I also don't want to be making $8/hr at bookstore for the rest of my life.

There's always music. Or whoring.


I'm obsessed. I'm totally confused. I feel really lost. When I get this way I just fall back on doing my own thing. It's worked for me so far.

On a happier note, at dinner (no, the food was not happy) I articulated well my thoughts on Jesus and why I like him, his example of the fullness of divinity in humanity and the example that redemption is real and needed, but that we save ourselves and eachother. I've never understood the strange theological math (divine economy it's called) that gets worked out that God somehow needed to kill off a chunk of himself in human form to pay himself for the sin of humanity. Huh? That's a weird god who needs some psychotherapy.

( The God I'd like to believe in )

On a different note, my room mate is moving out on Wed. For real this time.

So I was asked what my thesis was going to be on.... since I'm cross-posting this everywhere, I may as well put it here too. I can't seem to get the cuts right, so I appologize for taking up so much of your friends space (especially to Erinya and Willendorf! Please forgive me). Here goes:

I am working on my masters in theology, hoping to specialize in the Dinvine Feminine. I was asked to elaborate; perhaps you all have some insight and maybe it will provoke discussion. Here's what I'm really interested in, though it ends up sounding more like a PhD dissertation (eventual possibility) or a life's work.

As a woman I seek a feminine expression of the Divine. Christianity, for all it's "God is gender neutral," has really fashioned a male God, male Trinity, and ignored the expression of a true gender neutral deity or a feminine expression of the one God. Throughout the millenia it seems clear to me that people seek balance and an expression of the Feminine. Mary and her devotion seem to be the way that Christians and some expressions of Christianity (though by no means all) have accomodated a feminine expression closer to Divinity. I have long been interested in the possibility of Mary being an actual expression of the Feminine Divine. Ultimately, I would like to look at how pre/non-Christian understandings and veneration of goddesses has been appropriated within Marian devotion and what this means for Christian women.

As I continue my studies I am finding that theologically I may not be able to draw as many conclusions as I'd like to. Theologically, or rather within existing doctrine, there is very little room for Mary as anything other than merely human. SO FAR, it seems to me that there isn't room within Catholic or Orthodox theology for a co-redemptrix (which is an idea with a small movement behind it). Yet, people still need and respond to Mary and again, I think this is our human need for balance (though not in an ultra-polar male/female dualism that is often set forth in some forms of Paganism) and an expression of the feminine.

I would like to see a feminine expression within the Trinity. There is always the argument that the Holy Spirit is that..... or look at Sophia in the Wisdom writings..... we'll see. I think a Feminine expression of the Divine also challenges Christology (the study of Christ, essentially). Yeah, pretty much I've just laid out all of the books I plan to write in my lifetime. I'm not sure how I'll narrow this down for a masters thesis. My goal this summer is to do a ton of reading to find an area I can work with. I am looking at the Divine Feminine within a Christian context, but many of my essays are from a more pagan veiwpoint. It is impossible to do work on the Divine Feminine and not be open to/aware of/working directly with non-Christian expressions, particularly paganism. Until Paganism can develop a more systematic theological method (and there is someone at my school who is here to do that!), many more Pagan ideas will continue to be worked out through a Christian lens.

Please remember that this is a work in progress. There are very few courses on the Divine Feminine or even on Mary, so most of my work is independent reading and research.

So I'm getting a much better grasp of this whole original sin deal. Looked at in a systematic way, yes, I believe that we are born into a fucked up world, where relationships (all kinds) are ordered not in any authentic way, but are ordered in a hierarchical fashion that prevents true authenticity. Without true authenticity and given the ripple of evils and sins from past generations we are hard pressed to walk a truly authentic life. We're often forced to choose the lesser of evils, not the best of possible goods. I can make sense of this. What I don't get is how sin (not "original" in any Augustinian or Catholic sense) is the reason for death and decay. I don't get the biological implications that seem to linger about in the theology. They're secondary considerations, but seem to play out in the way we non-theologians think about sin and the body. Can there still be any theological validity to it in light of actual biology?

Yeah, Tuesdays and Fridays I have my theological anthropology class. Does it show?

I also made the mistake of going to chapel today for a service in honor of International Womens Day. God, I'm such a hard hearted bitch. As beautiful, well structured, all encompassing, etc etc as it was I just can't stand fruity services. I had to sit and pray that my heart would not be so hard. And, I had this image of Athena filling the chapel. My heart wasn't opened, but it wasn't as hard. I think I need to learn more about this Athena. Lately I just can't seem to grasp hold of Mary as any sort of comfort or inspiration. I was thinking of writing my thesis on Mary as the feminine face of the Divine, but I'm wondering if she isn't just a mere muddy girl (as per Elizabeth Johnson) and her Theotokos qualities just inventions of men to throw a bone to women and pagan converts in the early centuries (and to help in their formation of Christological dogma).

Whew. I'm all worked up today. That's good. I guess that means I'm getting my money's worth.

For all of you interested in queer theology, here is a recent and interesting article on queer theology and the school I attend:
http://www.eastbayexpress.com/issues/current/feature.html/1/index.html

I have been debating whether or not to add a Certificate in Sexuality and Religion to my MA. I want to do work on feminist theology and the pagan/goddess origins of the Virgin Mary (but where the hell are classes on that?). However, I also believe quite strongly that there is work to be done on gender, in a systematic theology frame work, and in queer theology, in an applied framework. My very liberal school is at the center of cutting edge work in queer theology. I figure, if not now, never.

And now, off to an audition. Finally, I am singing again. I am auditioning for a semi-professional orginization performing Purcell's "Dido and Aeneas" later in the spring. I'd kill just for a chorus part. Gotta get singing again or I'll develop Old Lady Voice. Ick.