More on the Twilight and the pain it is causing my soul

[theatokos]

I wish I had never seen Twilight. It makes me angry and I'm angry that so many women don't see why I'm upset. Not being upset themselves, that I can understand. Loving the books or the movie, that I can see too. That women don't see why this story is damaging to women JUST KILLS ME. I would almost rather let my daughters (theoretical ones at this point) watch Disney princess cartoons than this heinous stuff.

I'm not singling this story out because the author is a Mormon, although I admit that I have deep (and somewhat irrational) issues with this religion, nor am I against abstinence. Not at all on that last point. I am very very much for women making informed and conscious choices about their bodies and sexuality, and if that means choosing to abstain until marriage - or for whatever time or reasoning - more power to them, because it is certainly not the easiest choice in our sex drenched society.

I'm not against protecting the ones you love, cheesy fantasy stories, power play in relationships, or being domestic. But Twilight takes all of those things and twists them, adding slightly modern touches of independence, but really it just rehashes all the messages of gender and relationships that main stream conservative religion wants us to believe.

This story disempowers women and I am deeply saddened that millions of young girls and women are now day dreaming of a relationship like Bella and Edward's. A relationship in which the woman's whole world is the man, where she can lose herself, and in effect not be responsible for the consequences. If the man is stronger willed, then she doesn't have to worry about stating her wants or boundaries or even worry about losing control sexually. Because the man will be the boundary keeper. If the man is the woman's whole world then she doesn't have to worry about making difficult choices beyond what will keep them together. If she's a 17 year old, with hormones surging through her body, then the first person she is (IRREVOCABLY) drawn to is the person she should marry. Because being married at 18 is a good idea* and the legal contract of marriage validates the sexual act. Millions of girls are watching men be the gatekeepers for Bella's sexuality and all other avenues of personal agency. Plus, she is 17. She does not even have legal agency yet. Millions of women are longing to be kept women.

And who can blame them? It would be easier in this day and age to just acquiesce and succumb to these messages. It's really fucking hard work to be a strong, loving, independent, smart woman. Finding balance between interdependence (notice the prefix there, please) and independence, freely giving of oneself and submission, work and family, self and others is exhausting even on the best of days. And let's not get into the more shallow, but in some ways more tricky and damaging, struggles between too thin and too fat, too prudish and too slutty, etc. For me, these struggles are most keenly felt in my spiritual journey and motherhood. Some days I really wish there was a clear formula that would make my spirit automatically connected up with God. If I just prayed X prayers Y many times, or if I did or was X, Y, Z then I would have the deep spiritual epiphany I long for. But that's not how it works. I don't believe there is a formula for touching God, so I put in the work. Just like I put in the work to find balance between my self, my wants, my needs and those of my husband's and my son's. Motherhood. I don't have the energy today to open that can of feminist confusion.

Suffice it to say, I am not surprised that women are sucked in by the "comforting" messages in Twilight. But it makes me sad. In that world, in this world, men/patriarchy** have the upper hand at the expense of the woman's interior world. Part of why Bella is so bland is that she has no interior world. No thoughts, just Edward.

These things make me sad. They make me angry. When I see women going along with the status quo, not questioning the images of identity and relationship that our culture holds up, I get upset. I really, truly, deeply care about the lives and identities of girls and women.


*To my younger friends here, I recognize that some people find a good match at an early age and I think that is wonderful. But having a healthy, lasting relationship with a teenage sweetheart is the exception, not the norm. Encouraging people to marry young is, in my opinion (which is never very humble), an antiquated, anti-feminist agenda.

**I fear that I need to say that individual men are not necessarily tools of the patriarchy. I think there are plenty of women (Stephanie Meyer!) who are more patriarchal than some men. I am a radical feminist, but not a separatist (although some days....) nor do I hate men. God, it makes me sad that I even feel it necessary to type this sort of disclaimer in my own freaking journal.

Comments

[ladyartemisa.livejournal.com]

i would make out with you so hard right now if you were closer.

I have so many issues with this whole story.

Edward is a creepy controlling fuck and he changes in the books... so many claim that this just shows how she grows but really what it tells me is "if you stay with that controlling abuseive asshole long enough he will just change for you because he loves you and you can totally change him" and that is OMG BAD NEWS for yong women to learn.

Smooches, lady!

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Really? He changes? DOES BELLA? Where is her growth?

Re: Smooches, lady!

[ladyartemisa.livejournal.com]

well they fuck and get married and have a baby that he helps eat his way out of her body (yes you read that correctly, eat his way out of her body).

she gets more power and because a powerful vampire.

and that is one of the problems that I have with it... they really dont tell you why she changes or how.. she just becomes a vampire and gets all bad ass.

[raving-liberal.livejournal.com]

You touched on the very (main) issue that makes me unwilling to read this series.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

I say just flee from the whole thing.

[seaivy.livejournal.com]

just to say I hear you.
The "Prince Charming will protect me" fantasy is alive and well. Interesting that Bella is 17 - not legally of age. It's an "I don't have to grow up and be a responsible woman" fantasy.

[miss-malloreee.livejournal.com]

I havn't seen this movie, or read the books but my mom keeps telling me their both great.

I don't know how to say this... but, I think I am the spitting image of everything you hate (for lack of better word) & this is so interesting to me!

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Hm. You are not what I hate. Hate is a very strong word.

I have never confused you for a feminist - have no fear! But I do have some friends who would hesitate to call themselves feminists and think I'm annoying with my "feminist agenda." Someday ya'll see the light!

Again, getting married young in and of itself is not a problem. Being a SAHM isn't necessarily a problem. Being a mother, being loving, being devoted - not problems!

Do you eschew all individual thought and needs for those of your husband's/father's? Do you always ask what he thinks first? Do you think that being rescued is more preferable than rescuing yourself? More blatantly, do you think that women are weaker than men? More fragile? Do you think that men must be/are naturally more protective and assertive than women? Do you enjoy being told that your "nature" is serve men, physically, emotionally and spiritually? If men sleep around do you think "boys will be boys"? But if girls sleep around they are sluts?
THESE things are problems.

[miss-malloreee.livejournal.com]

It's funny, there was a time in college when I started traveling down a feminist road, but then I moved away, got married, had a baby, yadda yadda. I've always felt a little torn... I agree with you on almost all your feminist views & the whole feminist world fascinates me to no end but at the same time I am a married 23 year old who has only ever lived under her fathers roof or her husbands. I depend on Adam for a lot & I would rather be rescued than rescue myself. I think it's slutty to sleep around, no matter your gender. I am your typical housewife but I chose this life & I love it. I feel like it's hypocritical for me to say anything about feminism because my actions speak louder than my words. I do have a brain & an opinion & I don't hold it back often.

Maybe I am a feminist disguised as a housewife!

[erinya.livejournal.com]

I'm puzzled as to why you watched the movie in the first place, actually.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Because I'm a glutton for punishment.

Honestly, I thought it would be a cheesy, brainless movie, perfect for stopping and starting (I haven't watch more than 20 minutes in one sitting since having B), and would have good PNW scenery shots. It wasn't cheesy at all. I didn't realize the depths of the awful.... I didn't know! *sobs* I didn't know....

[erinya.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey. *pats comfortingly*

The same thing happened to me with "27 Dresses."

[amyura.livejournal.com]

I agree SO hard. With everything, and I do mean everything, you posted.

[bravenewcentury.livejournal.com]

I think you have successfully killed any lingering desire I had to find out what Twilight was like for myself. Everything I read about it makes my skin crawl.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Hopefully this is a good thing and you won't resent me for ruining for you something generation defining!

[bravenewcentury.livejournal.com]

If Twilight becomes generation defining then I might just try and join another generation...

[honeyrider.livejournal.com]

i just want to make one more comment on the subject and then i'll shut up. i don't *identify* as a feminist per se, but i think along the feminist lines and i care about the lives and identities of girls and women as well. if nothing else, i have a daughter to raise and it's in my utmost interest to guide her to become a strong independent woman.
i think "twilight" does reinforce traditional gender roles, at times it does so forcibly [such as the marriage before sex for bella], BUT, to say that you're saddened by the idea of women now dreaming of a relationship like edward's and bella's does not acknowledge that a woman does not have to be a thoughtless vapid tool in order to dream of such a relationship. there are plenty of opinionated, thoughtful women [many of my friends for example] who want a man to take charge and take care of them. i'll never forget when an amazing female friend of mine was telling me about her relationship with a man she was seeing and stressing how much joy she drew from his stereotypically manly characteristics. she said something along the lines of "timeless image of a man on top of a woman" and it stuck with me ever since because it was the first time in my life that an incredibly liberated, intelligent, opinionated and confident woman was expressing her satisfaction in a way that might make a feminist cringe. to me, "feminism" doesn't deny recognizing that gender difference are real. it doesn't mean that men and women shouldn't be equal, but there's an inherent differences between the two genders and while those differences are affirmed by society, often to an unhealthy degree, they are not simply social construct. to deny gender differences is reverse discrimination of sorts. it rears girls who are afraid to tune into an inherently feminine aspect of themselves; afraid that other women will scream "you're a tool!"
the drive to rid society of traditional femininity in the name of equality makes me just as sad and angry as the misogynistic stupidity i see on TV. there's a happy medium to be found somewhere. but this no longer has much to do with twilight. sorry for ranting.

Edited to correct my grammar because it's been bothering me for 2 hours now.

I really appreciate your thoughts on all of this

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Ok. I think I see where you're coming from. I think you are misinterpreting me. Let's have some Feminist 101:

Gender is a social construct. To say that sex differences exist is not anti-feminist, but a biological statement of fact. Gender however is a construct that social groups create to define Man and Woman, pretty much always using Male as the norm.

A woman who enjoys "manly men" can still be a feminist and is not necessarily a vapid tool. By denouncing what I see in Twilight I am NOT demeaning men who are strong, protective, etc etc. I am married to a hairy, strong, penis-wielding jock who likes technology. BUT, his strength is not at the expense of mine. His protectiveness of our family balances the protectiveness that I bring to it. It's not just about complimentarity either. He is better at discussing emotional things and I'm the one who can read maps and navigate. We're both equally "butch" and equally "feminine." To say that femininity defines women actually alienates a tremendous amount of women who don't match the characteristics of Femininity.

Wanting a strong man as a partner at the expense of one's own strength and agency would be the the sign of a vapid tool for me. And sadly, I think Twilight encourages this sort of dynamic. Bella submits all of her self to Edward - but her strengths or character were never defined before Edward! There is nothing that is Bella that is not Edward. THIS is anti-feminist.

I desperately disagree with you that feminism "rears girls who are afraid to tune into an inherently feminine aspect of themselves." Mostly because I don't think there is anything "inherently feminine" about women, except for maybe a uterus. But then some women are born with out one, or they don't "function properly." Or breasts. But wait, some women are really flat chested. Ok, nurturing. Nope, damn. I know some very unnurturing women and some men who crave fatherhood, like a stereotypical woman. There is nothing "inherently feminine."

And don't let anyone tell you that wearing a skirt, baking, sewing, mothering, being on the bottom, etc is anti-feminist. My feminist revolution isn't about turning women into men - it's about liberating women AND men from the life-denying gender shackles that keep us from being complete human beings.

Let the record also show that I haven't figured out how to do this perfectly. Yet. Hell, I still shave my legs out of a deep shame around my hirsute-ness. I am complicit in my own oppression too. We all are.

Re: I really appreciate your thoughts on all of this

[honeyrider.livejournal.com]

gender: we're playing semantics. when we ask the U/S technician about the gender of our fetus in utero, we are asking them to identify the sexual characteristics of that fetus. we're not asking them whether our baby will wear pink or blue or cook and clean or wield a sword. i don't deny that gender roles are affirmed from birth but in the context of my previous comment i used the word "gender" in synonymy with "sexual characteristics". which leads me right to:

I don't think there is anything "inherently feminine" about women, except for maybe a uterus. But then some women are born with out one, or they don't "function properly." Or breasts. But wait, some women are really flat chested. Ok, nurturing. Nope, damn. I know some very unnurturing women and some men who crave fatherhood, like a stereotypical woman. There is nothing "inherently feminine."

i firmly believe in inherent gender differences that are not simply a matter of physical characteristics. this does not mean that i buy into the "anatomy is destiny" bullshit and it doesn't suggest that a woman who is not nurturing is any less "woman" or a man who craves fatherhood is any less "man". there's plenty of gray area and fluidity in *my* definition of "gender". but i do believe that if a social experiment was conducted with a large enough sample, male and female babies raised w/out gender socialization will exhibit at least SOME stereotypically feminine and stereotypically masculine traits. of course there would be an enormous overlap in behavior but the differences would be there as well for a large portion of the sample group. there's plenty of evidence that biological sex influences behavior. unfortunately, society drives those inherent gender differences home, affirming predispositions that might not necessarily blossom without societal pressure.

regardless of whether gender is inherent or not, regardless of whether inherent femininity exists or not, i do believe that feminism can damage a woman's desire to get in touch with her femininity. i think every woman should take feminist 101 taught by you because far too many end up fearing that wearing a skirt and having a baby will automatically equal turning in their feminist card. living in a large metropolitan area i see this ALL.THE.TIME. and this is why your "twilight" post got me going.

ya know... i was typing up this here novel when ian came home and i took a break to explain to him your thoughts and my thoughts on the subject. he pointed out that "the mechanics of what you're arguing do not matter because it sounds like you are both looking for the same end result."
he's right.
if what you'd like to see if a society of men and women free from being pigeon-holed into their stereotypical gender roles, i'm with you. my only issue is assuring that nothing gets lost along the way; that women who desire to have a strong partner and cook barefooted in the kitchen are not any less intelligent or strong than their feminist friends and men who enjoy watch sports and drinking beer are not automatically macho jerks.

[(Anonymous)]

Agreed!

[calizen.livejournal.com]

I still cringe every time I hear a woman say "I'm not a feminist but..." It makes me think that many women believe that if they take up that title, it puts them in the bull's eye for being spit on. What is a feminist? To me it's someone who believes in the inherent strength and dignity of women and who will stand up against anyone who puts women down -- or worse -- simply because they are women. And if that means standing up for all facets of what makes us all human - men and women - and not some traditional ideas, well more power to that as well.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Hello there! Thank you for stopping by!

I too cringe when I hear women, especially strong women in the public eye (Bjork, I'm looking at you), say "I'm not a feminist, but..." In that statement I hear that mainstream patriarchal media has poisoned the word femininist and won out.

[honeyrider.livejournal.com]

I still cringe every time I hear a woman say "I'm not a feminist but..." It makes me think that many women believe that if they take up that title, it puts them in the bull's eye for being spit on.

i don't know about other women, but i do not like labels/titles. of course i believe in the inherent strength and dignity of women and will stand up against those who put women down. however, i felt no need to scream I'M A FEMINIST! one does not need to wear a label in order to identify with the thought and actions you speak of. just saying. :)

[eelsalad.livejournal.com]

Rock on with your bad self! I am throwing the horns so hard over here that I may strain something.

As an aside, whenever someone says "I'm not a feminist, but..." I point them to Yes, You Are (http://tomatonation.com/?p=677), a great essay on the subject. It rules.

[ewigweibliche.livejournal.com]

Don't strain yourself! You've got belts to earn, lady! And shit to fuck up! (Like, in the good way.... not like tripping over it, or something. Right. Ok.)