A Fresh Start

Finally, Adam and I are alone. My mum left this morning. This is the first time we have ever truly been left alone with our baby. He is 5 weeks old.

I am this guy's mama. That reality is slowly setting in. At last. The other night I shed some tears while breast feeding, overwhelmed with happiness and the immensity that this little person is *mine*, I built him, flesh of my flesh and all that. I even got choked up at Wall*E* (Adam & I took advantage of my mother to have a date), the innocence and very black heart nature of the main character reminded me of those qualities I see in B (and infants in general). I was also (am usually these days) extraordinarily tired and just haven't had much space to process the stress and intense emotions of the last 5 weeks.

I still feel hounded by Kaiser. Since coming home, a week ago tomorrow, I have been back to Kaiser for my postpartum follow up check and have had 2 home health nurse visits to see how Benn is doing. I thought once we left the NICU we would be done with taking his temperature and logging how many minutes of breast feeding (how many minutes on each side? how often? how many times during the night? etc), at what time was his last poopy diaper and what was the color and consistency of it? AHG!!! Plus, he must be weighed (new borns, at least this one, hate being naked, and he has to be naked to be weighed). The home health nurse wanted him to gain 2 ounces in 2 days, but he only gained 1/2 an ounce so I had to listen to yet another litany of suggestions for better feeding. I'm going to call on Monday and cancel any repeat visits. I'm sick of it. I feel beset by Medical Advice. Do all new mothers have to keep such detailed tracking of the minutae of feedings and diapers and hours slept?? I was so hoping that would end when we left the hospital.

I am more worked about this than I realized.

However, I have realized some things about our NICU experience for which I am grateful. I will post about those, maybe later today.


*Wall*E is spectacular. I hope it gets nominated for a best picture Oscar. The first third of the movie is some of the most beautiful animation ever. Pixar's ability to create films that have meaning (the environmental and consumer messages of this film may or may not be subtle...) as well as keep a 4yr old amused are unparalleled. I want to go see this again, soon.

After being awake at 5:45, teaching two classes yesterday, and then spending the evening with alizarin71, hrafntinna, and Adam, I was bone achingly tired. I woke up this morning feeling sick - just wiped out. Not hungry. Achy. Unable to mentally function until close to noon. Ugh. The teaching and dinner were worth it though. Great food, great company, great conversation.

Work was hard. I barely had 5 minutes to compose myself. The only quiet time was first thing in the morning. Thankfully this was the time my 3 yr old niece in Anchorage decided to call me. Apparently she woke up and wanted to tell me that she missed me and loved me much. I thought I would die from cuteness! But then work took over. Prepping for our conference on Sunday. And..... having a pow-wow with the Executive and Founding Directors over this problematic coworker. I will not be present at her review and I don't know what they will decide. My gut tells me that she won't be let go. I just want there to be some resolution. The whole situation is emotionally taxing. However, I walked away from our meeting feeling heard, respected and valued. Moments like this make me want to stay with this organization forever. I feel very honored to work for such a healthy workplace, to have such supportive coworkers, and to be a part of something vibrant in the Jewish community here. I feel very lucky to be part of this rich community as a non-Jew.

To complicate my day even more, Adam and I left work early to go to a midwife appointment in SF. I was beat, but got so giddy afterwards. I haven't gained as much weight as I thought I had! I have gotten larger in the belly, but I've only gained 4 lbs this month, putting me at 27 lbs total. I thought it was closer to 30! I'm healthy, measuring about 26 weeks (I am actually 27weeks, 4 days), and little Bennett is kicking up a storm with a strong heartbeat. Adam was so excited to hear his heartbeat. I feel closer than ever to Adam. It's really beautiful.

The last upper of the day was getting my first installment of cloth diapering supplies. Who knew diapers could be so fun?! I got 8 brightly colored prefolds and some plain covers.

The last downer of the day is that the Golden State Warriors (the Bay Area basketball team) did not make into the play offs.


[OMG, I'm watching tv and I just saw an ad for Al Gore's new nonprofit, We, and the commercial features Rev. Al Sharpton AND Pat Robertson on a couch together cracking jokes about being left and right and how it's important to agree on caring for the planet. WHOA.]

The lame parts of my weekend:
*being cranky
*fighting with Adam - we started to fight about an hour of the Bay Area. I got so mad at him that I did not speak to him for the rest of the trip to LA, or the next morning for the trip down to San Diego. Not the most mature I've ever been, but it was either not talk or yell.
*getting lost in LA traffic, while having to pee
*not getting to eat Mexican food in SD
*not spending nearly enough time with goddessofmercy and howilearned
*seeing myself mostly naked in a full length mirror for the first time in months = my youth is shot. Holy pregnancy backside, folks

The good parts of my weekend:
*seeing Goddessofmercy and Howilearned, eating some sushi (unagi, thus cooked), and laughing a lot
*being safe on the roads
*playing Mexican train dominoes with Adam's fam
*buying maternity jeans - so comfortable!
*making up with Adam, realizing that we can be spitting mad at each other and still civil and kind toward one another
*seeing SoCal during the rains - it's pretty and green there sometimes!

Adam has had a surprise arranged for me for several months. I had no idea until we got here. I just couldn't figure out what it could possibly be. What does he know about Anchorage? And what could we be doing that the girls (8 and 2) couldn't join in on? I needed to be dressed for the outdoors but we weren't doing something outdoorsy. Wah?

So yesterday, the Future Gov and her husband Jake come over, brother in law is getting ready, I'm dressed for the cold, and Adam tells me to bring my earplugs. I immediately know what it is: "I GET TO SHOOT THINGS!!!" I yell and start jumping up and down.

Adam had arranged for brother in law to borrow a gun (in Alaska one does not need a license to be in possesion of or to use a fire arm- I think). We were going to a shooting range so I could shoot a gun.

I have always wanted to learn how to shoot. Growing up, my dad kept 6 guns in a case - 5 rifles and a shotgun, I think. He would go hunting from time to time. Deer, moose, subsistence. He promised to teach me to shoot when I was 12. One winter when I was about 14 and my family was up the Chilkat River in Haines, staying in a cabin my dad built, he finally agreed to teach me. He gave me his smallest rifle, had me lay down flat in the snow, gun rested on a snow berm, paper plates for targets stapled to trees. I had lousy aim and we never did it again.

I'm not a fan of guns and I'm pretty pro-gun control. I mean, who needs semi-automatics? But, I do want to learn to shoot, both rifles and hand guns. I think it's a good skill and some day I'd like to go hunting. I'm intimidated by the idea, of course, but if I'm going to eat meat I think I should be prepared to hunt. Anyway.

We had to drive up to Chugiak, about 20 miles north of Anchorage to get to a shooting range open in December. It was a nice place, outdoors with a beautiful view of a large mountain range. Cold. We shared a.... I don't know the proper term, a stable? with a very nice dad and his two boys. Thankfully, they were too nice to mock our lousy shooting. It had to do with the gun we had. It was HUGE. I have no idea what purpose this gun serves, or whose hand is large enough to comfortably carry this thing. It was a Smith and Wesson .44. Really, really large, with tremendous kick. I could see the blast of orange out the tip of the gun as it fired.

The gun scared me. As well it should. After my first two bullets I put the gun down and said "I don't like this." It felt unweildy, and honestly it was a lot of power - scary stuff. I tried again with another round and a half. I realized it wasn't shooting that was problematic, but it wasn't the right gun for me.

All four of us liberals, shooting guns, looking completely out of place with the camo and pick up trucks and manliness. Yet, no one mocked us for our noviceness and the Future Gov and I got nothing but support despite being two of three women. I totally want to learn to shoot.

****

And today, Adam, brother in law, nieces and I went ice skating outside on a lagoon the city maintains for iceskating. They zamboni it and everything. It is truly awesome. And cold.

Tomorrow is our last day here. I feel as though I've spent enough time to get my fill of fam and Alaska, so I don't feel cut short before heading back to Oakland. I look forward to being warmer, my own place, my cats, my own routine - it's hard having a two year old hang on my every motion ("Nini, wha you do?" every three minutes).

Bay Area? Alaska? Bay Area? Alaska? I wish I didn't feel compelled to choose.

I remain in San Diego area. The American Academy of Religion conference was amazing. I would have had more fun were I not pregnant (and needing to be in bed by 9pm every night!) and had I known more people there. As it was I heard many great papers, got to see and meet several incredible figures in the religion field, as well as hear some really tedious papers. Clearly, my standards are set too high, as always. It tunrs out you do not have to be brilliant to present nationally. Infact, the only paper I went to that even remotely touched on Mary was weak and was essentially a film review. So there is hope for me yet!

I'm sure once I pull my thoughts together I'll have more to say. Highlights from the conference include spending over an hour talking with Judith Plaskow, amazing Jewish feminist theologian, meeting a woman from the University of Alaska Anchorage, who gave me great tips about using my knowledge in Alaska, and spending time with qbitum.

I have been struggling a lot with judgementalism and perfectionism; partially this is brought on by being with the in-laws, but exacerbated by the conference. I'm doing a good job of just noticing it and letting it go, but it's disappointing nonetheless that these qualities are such majorparts of me.

So far, all this time with my in-laws has been fine. Even, dare I say, enjoyable.Mom-in-law even took me shopping and bought me some clothes to fit my now larger body. She's also supplied me with much wonderful Mexican food. Sweet lord, the Mexican food here is incredible!!

Now, we are all preparing for T-Day. The house smells great, the weather is balmy. I hope all of you are having a wonderful relaxing holiday, too.

Have been in Alaska for 4 days now. It is amazing and lush and beautiful and I am in love. The home of my heart. I miss this place so much. Even the grubby, shake your head, heard it all before, why did they ever build that, tedious bits of it. It's also a challenge to stay with the parents. In addition to the fact that I can only go to town when my dad decides to go (and then we have to be on his schedule to catch a returning ride), he's just... so... difficult. I feel physically and spiritually alive and fed, but emotionally exhausted and protective. Adam is struggling, but I'm focusing on how glorious the land is and how quiet it is and how I've seen killer whales, humpback whales, bald eagles, a seal, and sealions. But we have not caught any fish. My freezer will be empty for the winter. So sad, but there is no time to try again or get worried about it. Wedding Stuff begins tomorrow.

In good news, my dad is teaching me to use the boat. Finally.

I also wish I had a camera. And more than two weeks of vacation a year.

Dinner was so very enjoyable last night: stilton and crackers, lamb stuffed eggplant, sauteed squash, steamed kale, great pinot noir, wonderful company. Yesterday evening also included a phone call from my uncle in Australia. He's recently recovered from emergency brain surgery, to remove benign but pressing brain tumors. He called to tell me that the message I left before his surgery meant the most of any call or card he received. I got all choked up. That seemed to happen to me several times yesterday. Nostalgia inspired most of it, but my uncle's words sure warmed my heart.

This morning I had a dental appointment. An early Christmas present from my mum. I haven't had dental insurance in 5 years. I was sure that I was going to need work for cavities. But no! There is a god in heaven and s/he is good! Still haven't ever had a filling. I told the dentist that this was god's way of making up for all of the orthodontic work I had done as a child (all of my baby teeth were pulled sans the front 4 and I'm missing 8 adult teeth due to space issues). Now my teeth look like new. I am giddy with the joy of clean teeth.

The rest of my day is waiting to unfold. I think I'm going to go out the road and hike to Herbert Glacier. One of things I love about this trail is the moss covered trees. Most trees around here are covered with some kind of moss or lichen, but these ones have always reminded me of giant insect legs. My human legs are incredibly sore, so I don't think I'm up for a strenuous hike. I thought all the biking and yoga I've been doing would prepare my legs for the hiking. No. Not at all.

Tonight my plans are this, and if you're in Juneau, please join me: Bullwinkle's Pizza, downtown, around 7. Not very gourmet, but I'm craving their popcorn. Then, it's out for drinks. I suspect we'll hit the Alaskan and then once we're burnt out on that (clarification, once I'm burnt out on that) we'll head over to the Bergman for quiet conversation and pool.

Last night those of us at the dinner table (in my home) were informed by my father-almost-in-law that grandpa would say the blessing. Too shocked to respond, participate, or head 'em off at the pass, I sat in stunned silence while Patriarchy's thumb plopped into my Zachary's pizza. Now, I'm all for grace. I think any tradition that brings more gratitude into the world is a good one. I did not grow up in a Christian household (you're confused? so am I!) and grace was never said in our home. However, when in other's homes, do as they do. Yet that rule did not seem to apply last night. It's nice to think my almost-in-laws have accepted me as part of their family, and I know no harm or offense was remotely intended. Still. I feel like any spiritual authority Adam or I may have in our home was overridden by the big ol' Patriarchy. Lots of Father and Lord and in the name of Jesus was spoken round my fine Ikea table last night. If I had been asked "We'd like to say grace" I probably would have said "Great! Grandpa would you like to say it?" But, no, I was informed.

I have not been so offended (unintentionally, I realize) in a long time. But this is also, as a deeply spiritual friend of mine suggested, also a big turning point in inter-generational relationship. While, the older generations treat Adam and I with respect, when it comes to family things they are used to having the authority, whether or not that's how they see it. However, their eldest son now has his own home and they have not yet made the mental leap, nor have we now that I come to think of it, of 'This is not our home. Adam and his partner have authority here.' It is helpful for me to think of this event in these terms.

In any case, we are exhausted. But hope was glimpsed! Dad made a decision about the agenda! He wants to see a silly show and therefore he is buying tickets for us all to see one. Menopause, the musical it is! Prior to this delight we will be eating at The Stinking Rose, a restaurant devoted to garlic. I am very much looking forward to this meal.

*******
On another note entirely, I will be away from the computer for a few days since I have the next two days off for Passover. Hag Sameach!

I wish I had a stronger religious life. I am transient, a wanderer, in faith and in home. I wish I was more rooted, part of a story. The only story I feel part of is "I am from Alaska. My mother is Australian. My grandfather came to Alaska from Iowa in the late '30s; my grandmother fled Pasadena for Alaska in 1945." But there are no Alaskan holidays (except for Alaska Day, perhaps, but everyone just looks at me weird). There were, and there are, no story-telling times in my family to recount these adventures.

I wish I could commit to a faith, a church, a community. But I can't. I just can't seem to do it. I'm afraid of losing things, especially control. I am attached to my reason, but this fear is also the result of seeing how easy it is for women to be subsumed in subtle and not-so-subtle patriarchies. I'm afraid of becoming obsessed, which is also a form of loss. But I miss ritual, story, cycles. Sometimes I am envious of people who, for either cultural or religious reasons, cling to traditions. The colors, the scents, the songs, the time worn (and even time-weary) patterns of celebration provoke an envy and longing in my heart. I am trying to find meaning in the world, trying to find the narrative I want to tell and be part of. I'm trying to find the Divine in my life as I live it. I sometimes wonder if I am too concerned with meeting God on my terms that I leave little room in my life for the reality of so large a God. Or, to look at that question from another angle, perhaps I am so caught up in what God is Not, and that's easy to do what with fundamentalism seemingly at every turn these days, that I forget to notice what and where God Is.

The weird thing is, that it's not just the trappings of religion I like. It's not just incense and icons, holidays, architecture, music, liturgy, kitsch, and all the rest. It's not just the certainty and security that those things plus that intangible Something Else. It's not just the philosophy and intellectual traditions and history that keep my nose in books. It's all of it. All of it.

Yeah, I'm weird. For someone who doesn't go to church, can't be bothered to give up her Sunday mornings in jammies with coffee and the New York Times, doesn't even like most church all that much, chooses to get advanced degrees in the subject, work for a faith-based non-profit, and isn't even baptised, I'm awfully obsessed with religion. Maybe this will all make sense in the afterlife.

I AM AN AUNTY!

Two times! Little Cecelia took her sweet time to arrive, but when she wanted out, she wanted out. S. was in labor for 1 HOUR. Wow. Go sis.