A Fresh Start

It all started last night when Adam made dinner and we had a couple and their baby over. We have one other couple as 'friends' - but frankly, the man is a workaholic and I think the woman is depressed. Hanging out with them is such *work.* In fact, being friends with them reminds me of a past friendship I had where all the work was one sided. I realized last night I was replaying those patterns. All it took was making new friends who weren't work. This new couple is fun and engaged and funny. They gave up their careers to move here to follow their dreams: family and cooking. Awesome. Already our kind of people. Their little boy is only 5 months old and reminds me of Bennett: small, alert, happy, chill, big eyes, snuggly.

Anyway, new couple came up for dinner. We drank red wine, Adam made his AMAZING cheese burgers, I made a zesty carrot/cilantro salad and for dessert, brownies with cream cheese frosting. We talked and laughed and YAY. Sweet jesus, we've been missing friends.

Then this morning we started our day with the postman arriving at 8am to deliver a big package. hraftinna and alizarin71 sent us gifts! I received a wonderful black and grey woolly sweater. YAY! Bennett received a super soft stuffed donkey. Adam received a beautiful pen set. So thoughtful and the best way to start the day!

It is Monday so next Bennett and I went to the breastfeeding play group. Fun was had and it always without fail puts B to sleep when we get home. And he's been happy all day long. The time spent alone did wonders for Adam too. He had a massive emotional breakthrough around some crap he's been carrying around with him and he's been in a great mood all day too!

Lastly, the washing machine repairman came and fixed our machine. It was a hair pin stuck in the filter. I guess I didn't know what to feel for when I rooted around in there. A load of wash is now drying! When we're finally caught up (in another day or two) Bennett can go back to cloth nappies. YAY.

For tonight we have just enough left over ingredients for more burgers and the last of the wine. And right now, Bennett is playing in the box the gifts came in while I drink a hot beverage in front of the fire.

WIN.

And the fire is so warm... ( food meme )

Christmas eve was mostly a bust in my book. I was so very very tired all bleeding day. I forgot to get some green veg for dinner and the bakery had run out of breadcrumbs so I decided to try boxed stuffing here (no Stovetop here). It was NASTY. Even doctoring it with bacon and butter and deglazing with white wine could not help it. So you know it was bad! However, my mulled wine was great. Little B has taken to Chacha Big B like velcro.

In fact, this Christmas morning my son is giving me the best gift ever: he has slept for more than hour after I crawled out of bed. I'm still tired as he was snorgling and snoring all night long with a snot-filled nose. But I've had an entire cup of tea, two pieces of toast, and I've read all my internet pages and a whole article - all with out boobie molestation! Merry Christmas indeed!

In half an hour my parents are skyping from Australia. I think it's time to warm up the remainder of the mulled wine. It's not too early. I mean, mulled wine doesn't count because it's warm, right?

I've said every day is like a vacation here. Every day is so lazy and free and easy. I don't really have to do anything at any particular time. I get to be with Adam and Bennett as much as I want. It's gorgeous, quiet and safe here. It's downright bucolic. Village time has taken over.

But I'm slipping. I can't seem to answer an email or phone call in a timely fashion. It takes me weeks to file paperwork. I've been working on ONE 20 page paper this entire term. I cannot bring myself to care about the news. I was given a recent copy of the Economist, I flipped through it, and set it aside. I just want to do..... nothing. I want to be slow.

This doesn't feel depressive to me. It feel like an honest to god break. A mental and motivational vacation. I think I'm still recovering from the move - deciding, willing, facilitating, making it happen. And becoming a mother. And being... well, being me. DOING things. All the damn time. Maybe I need a season to be late, lazy, unresponsive, unmotivated, and not have it be because of a mental health problem.

But things do have to get done. In a display of accountability, I present my list of things to take care of tomorrow:
*Attend the holiday party at the Family Centre
*go to the Academic Registry and the Council Office (paper work which is about 8 weeks overdue!)
*read through my paper
*maybe make a hair appointment
*talk to E about babysitting
*talk with Adam about our Plan to De-Mold the House
*maybe think about Christmas cards and stuff
*make curried lentils with spinach and brown rice for dinner

*One of the reasons I love Adam so much is that he makes me a better person. Often I hate this about him, but sometimes he knows my intentions better than I do. Tonight we were discussing the Twilight phenomenon. On Sunday, two people in the church choir I sing with, both students, were discussing the books and movies, and tried to engage me in conversation. I told them I needed to avoid talking about it, because I was sure to offend them with my loathing. Off the cuff I come across like I think everyone who loves the books and movies are stupid. And I suppose there is something in that gut reaction. I don't put much faith in the mass market.

But do you want to know why I really hate Twilight? What really makes me so upset? It's that millions of American women are swooning over a semi-abusive relationship and want to be Bella, who has no agency. Millions of American women think that this is as good as it gets. Millions of American women are selling themselves short. And it kills me.

*Entirely unrelated, Adam, Bennett and I watched Julie and Julia tonight. I am completely sucked into the charm of Julia Child. I want to cook! Fancy French dishes! I want to try meringues! Boning a duck! I want to eat delicious food and drink excellent wine.

Adam and I are also contemplating working our way through Meryl Streep's oeuvre. Adam looked at me tonight and said "I'm totally gay for Meryl." I think I might be too.

*It is cold here. The heat is on and we're still chilly. It's been clear the last two days and nights. I hope it lasts for the next few days. The moon is nearly full and it's so beautiful. I can actually see stars here.

*Even though the doctor's have told me twice that my ears and throat look perfectly healthy, my left ear still hurts when I swallow. And it waxes and wanes through the day. I don't understand. I really hope it's not psychosomatic.

Let me provide you with the perfect coffee break. While you sit at work or at home while your babies are napping, please read the following blurb and try not to laugh so hard you snort your coffee.

It's decorative gourd season, motherfuckers.

I shall sit here eating the best chocolate chip cookies I've ever had (thanks, Briwsion!*) and drinking tea. While my baby naps.


*pronounced, more or less, like BREW-sha; it's the local ass-kicking bakery

Today is a good day. A really good day. One in which I feel settled into my own bones and brain. In spite of being tired and feeling the twinge of a sore throat, in spite of everything, it's a good day.

The wi-fi cafe was nice and I chatted a bit with the woman who owns it. She has a beautiful 9 week old son. I cannot imagine birthing a child and a business at the same time! She seems like some one that Adam and I would enjoy getting to know. We're going to meet up at the Monday breastfeeding group. Neat!

I wrote. My adviser likes my ideas and is encouraging. So far, I have found the faculty here welcoming, friendly, laid-back and encouraging. More so than at any school I've ever attended (save the music department at Shoreline Community College).

Last night's choir practice was SO MUCH BETTER than last week. The people who sucked didn't come back. I don't mean that to be awful, but there was one girl in the soprano section who literally could not carry a tune. However, this also means there is one man. Sigh. This afternoon, on my way to meet my adviser, I ran into the choir director. He's also a professor in the theology department. He told me I had a lovely voice and that he wants me to sing the solo at the carols service in December. Neat!

I can home from all of this to find Adam putting together our chests of drawers. YAY! Oh, I so can't wait to pack away the suitcases! These are cheaply constructed pieces of crap, but hell. The store delivered them to our door. Next week we get the couch (it comes with a free matching chair!) - I hope it's comfortable. Also, in other happy Adam news, he has a job! In Canada! Thanks to keypike, to whom I will make sweet, sweet love if I ever meet her in person! This is a HUGE RELIEF.

And to top it all off. The weather this evening is amazing: massive dark grey clouds, intermittent pounding rain, and shots of bright sun. I could not be more pleased with this day.

Tonight I am making hot brown rice salad and tomorrow I am sleeping in.

Tina Beattie's God's Mother, Eve's Advocate is rocking my world.

Bank of America is taking us for everything we're worth and making understanding the problem so difficult to discern that I doubt I am smart enough to complete my advanced degree. How do they make stuff so complicated and so hard to find the answers?

Thanks to Chiv, I have found a cheap furniture place that will deliver to Lampeter. OH THANK YOU JESUS. I cannot live out of a suitcase for another week. I cannot. Three months is it!

I love having an office. I think we're getting internet at home next week.

Today at 3pm the family we like and know here is coming over for a play date. They have a 3 year old and a 17 month old. Both are great kids. I have realized that I pay attention to the kids to see if I'll like the parents. At least at this age, where so much of the kid is still formed by the parents. Bennett sooooo needs more playdates. We still have no answers to our child care quandry.

Lastly, tonight I am attempting to make nachos. I found Doritos with no flavor. I know, it's disgusting, but a world without Mexican food is not one I want to live in. Gotta make do with what's at hand!

I was going to spell out the details, but I just don't have the energy for it. Basically, I'm tired of obstacles and buraucracy and working around the systems. I just want the internet set up and a freaking phone. But one piece is needed for the other which is needed for the next, which makes certain details a complicated circle. It's like a closed system and we can't quite seem to break in.

I'm super pleased that I cooked a dinner in my own home last night (sauteed potatos, mushrooms and onions, green salad with vinaigrette, and fried whiting - hee). But this morning, I'm tired of things being difficult, of running into unforeseen obstacles in trying to accomplish basic daily tasks.

Thank goodness we're not in a truly foreign land. I can't imagine how taxing that would be!

What an amazing place. What beauty, and bounty. I never eat so fresh as when I am in Alaska during the summer time.

Flying into Juneau was a different experience for me. I usually get a window seat and stare outside the entire flight. This time I was corralling a toddler (he flies really well, but he's still a squirmy toddler). As we entered familiar airspace and I saw the rivers, islands and fjords I'm acquainted with come into view I expected certain feelings to come up. But this time I felt more disconnected - or, I didn't feel that tug of loss I normally do. As we flew over Juneau proper I realized, for the first time ever, just how rural my home town is. It's TINY. It's..... out in the boonies. Which of course is a great big part of its charm. But still. Growing up I felt I was in the big city (comparatively).

I spent 10 days on Shelter Island with my parents, nieces, and sister. Bennett wasn't so sure about every one for the first few days, but he warmed right up eventually. He never really bonded with my mother, which I find interesting. I think she has issues with males, so I'm not surprised. It was wonderful to be able to let B play and play and play. Outside, inside, with his cousins, on the beach. He loved it. He loved the water, the rocks, everything. He ate enormous amounts of vegetables and fish. So did I. Fresh fish from the ocean and veggies from the garden. Amazing.

My time was spend walking around, frolicking with the kids, eating well and reading. In the first 6 days I read 4 books and an Economist. Every evening there was time spent hanging out on the deck watching the whales bubble feed or breech or just swim around.

Right before I left for town my dad and sister caught a 90 lb halibut.

Town was great too. Exhausting, brief, but great. The Future Gov of Alaska, who from here on out will be renamed MM, as per her request, came down from Anchorage for the weekend and we stayed at her parents' house. That was wonderful. Spending time with her with no agenda, watching our kids play together, was good for my soul. On Saturday night we cooked up a feast: halibut (from my dad) with herbs from MM's parents' garden, dungeoness crab from my dad's crab pot with cocktail sauce, steamed kale, sugar tomatoes, figs grilled with humboldt fog cheese and garlic chips, pinot gris. Seriously, this is the sort of meal I am used to eating with friends in Juneau.

I didn't get to see as many people as I would have liked. Carrying B around town was brutal. We didn't have a car and the town is all hills and mountain sides. After walking up 6 blocks of hills (maybe more?) and 400 stairs we made it back to the house and that killed us for any more wandering around.

Juneau is still beautiful and still filled with amazing, generous, passionate, creative people. The tourist part of the town sucks. Let me rephrase that. It SUCKS. It's getting worse. There are EVEN MORE jewelry stores than there were two years ago. How this is possible, I can't figure out. Literally, there are several blocks where it is nothing but jewelry stores. What idiots go to Alaska and buy fancy diamond jewelry at places called Caribbean Jewels? Oh, your parents, you say? I'm sure they are nice people, but fuck them. Fuck those cruise ships. Juneau is going to tourist hell in a cruise ship hand bag. If you go to on an Alaska cruise on one of those mega ships, please don't ever tell me.

****
Books read:
Dead Until Dark, Living Dead in Dallas, Club Dead - Charlaine Harris
Midnight Never Come - Marie Brennan