A Fresh Start

Help me out.

I hear the books are more poorly written than Harry Potter (I didn't know that was possible) and more addictive than HP and crack combined. The movie trailer looks fab, but then..... sadly, I've read some commentary.

Moralistic vampire tales written by a Mormon. One kiss? NO SEX?? WTF?! Supposedly the whole thing is about suppressing the animal urges within. And premarital sex is an animal urge. And a sweet girl needs to be saved.... oh it hurts already.

I like premarital sex. Or I did. What's the deal? Would my brain explode in a conniption fit if I went to see this? Books first, then movie? Does it matter?

I want to know what everybody thinks: Mormons, abstainers, Pagans, feminists, Buffy lovers, Buffy haters (hiss!), etc.

I say that in quotey marks since autumn arrives differently in different places. I LOVE autumn. I am so glad it has arrived. Usually I fast over the Equinox, but since I'm breastfeeding that's not an option. I'm not doing anything to mark it this year, other than verbally acknowledging it. Maybe I'll light the candles on my altar.

Last night I watched Jesus is Magic, Sarah Silverman's stand up "movie." She is HAWT, but she's not funny.

I am getting a bit of waist back! YES!! I'm starting to get a bit more shape. Thank god. And my stomach is noticably flatter. I may not be 112lbs this winter, like I was 5 years ago when I last went to Australia. Then again, I don't want to go to the gym everyday and eat mediocre graduate dorm food to get that way, like I did it last time.

What did I do after I noticed my waist in the bathroom mirror at work? I ate brownies. I swear they were laced with crack.

Australia tickets have been booked! I did it this morning before work. Holy crap, three adults, two kids and an infant round trip from San Francisco to Sydney is about $11,000. But, I'm going to Australia for a month! I am so so excited to share this part of my life with Adam. I'm also a little nervous since my parents can be cold and alienating and other members of family are evangelical space-cadets. Still. It's going to be great.

We'll be gone from Dec. 28 through Jan. 25. If you want to house sit while we're away our cats would be most grateful. Seriously. Contact me. A free place to stay in the Bay Area, right near BART. It would be a win-win for all involved. As long as you don't lose my keys, break certain items or kill the cats.

I have a magnum (half-magnum?) of shiraz-cabernet open on my counter top. Leftovers from an event I put on at work yesterday evening. No one drank any of it. Come over and I will gladly share it with you. I also have some blueberry pie from Whole Foods left over from Feri Pie on Saturday. I was skeptical of the pie, since the only pie I really like is blueberry pie and I grew up in blueberry country. But damn. Whole Foods makes a fabulous blueberry pie. I will share some of that with you too.

Wow, I really need new icons. And better baby clothes. And maybe some for me. I realized today that Bennett's diapers are nicer than much of my own clothing. And cloth diapers? Also laced with crack.

Wrapping it all up.... may you all find balance on this Equinox, in body, mind and spirit!

The last few nights B has decided not fall asleep until closer to 2am. Adam is exhausted. I am too. B is only sleeping 4 hours a night now and is increasingly awake and needing attention during the day. He still doesn't seem to know I'm any different from anyone else. I figured out that I don't make the bath water warm enough. There was a strange winged bug at the bottom of my oats - ew! - so I dumped all the oats out. This means I couldn't make granola. I am incredibly bored with my job, but can't quit. B is fussy today. My neighborhood is ugly and noisy and not inspiring when I think about taking a walk. The are no good cafes within walking distance. Actually the East Bay is mostly devoid of good lounging cafes. I feel isolated and I'm wondering where my friends are. The whole PhD thing hovers above me and I feel b.a.d. that I'm doing nothing about it.

I think I'm just tired and letting little things get the better of me. But, place, loneliness and being bored with my job keep cropping up.

I'm thinking of going to a movie to cheer myself up. I'd like to go see Tropic Thunder but I'll probably end up seeing the Traveling Pants movie. Hmmm... what about Hellboy II?

On the good side: it's a beautiful day. Bennett is the cutest thing ever, getting cuter by the day. He's getting more facially and vocally expressive.

Today has certainly ended up much better than expected. I went to the hospital at noon. Adam had been earlier with his folks and talked to the nurses, telling them I would be in and to please leave me be. The nurses did and I fed my boy and held him for almost two hours. It was peaceful and he was looking so beautiful. I hadn't seen him for two days and at this stage in his growth, I can really tell differences already! He's gained some weight - up to 5 lbs, 1.8 oz. GO BENNETT!! He really has the most impish smile - whether he's actually responding to anything, I don't know. It did seem he made the smiling faces as I was singing to him. But he might just be practicing his facial muscles. Whatever the case, his smile is mischievous.

After that, Adam and I went to see Kung Fu Panda. It was so much better than I expected! It was delightful. The animation was equal parts annoying 3D and beautiful. The opening sequence and closing credits in particular were stunning.

And after that I went to yoga. I took it easy but I still may not be able to move in the morning. Plus, my pelvic floor is going to take a while to get back to normal. Wow.

Dinner was provided by my friend B, who made us the most amazing and delicious pasta - tomato cream sauce with red peppers and smoked salmon from Juneau. YUM.

We are now watching China Town.

It's a good day. I'm feeling better. I feel like life is actually good once again.

The NY Times had this to say about women and summer films.

Yup. I've been complaining for a long time about the dearth of women in the movies. While I LOVED No Country for Old Men, 300 and several of the other recent all male movies, it's disturbing that women are taking such a back seat in film. Do film makers think women just don't go to the theatre? That we have no money? That we don't EXIST? Sadly, when we're portrayed up on screen we look just as invested in the status quo as the men - looking like sexbots, muttering inane dialogue, shopping (whee!), being princesses, or, like Pepper Potts in Iron Man, being the Faithful Woman Who Stands by Her Man (and is also The Brains Behind the Brawn).

OR - women get to be bad asses, but only in a way that is both "masculine" (read: violent) enough for male viewers to take them seriously AND ALSO "sexy" enough for men to want to pay money to look at them. Barf. That's all the intellectual sobriety I can give to that faux girl-power nonsense.

10,000 BC. I saw it. Last night, with Adam, alizarin71 and our upstairs neighbor. It was a fun outing. But SUCH a stupid movie. It is possible that my extreme tiredness made me prone to the severe crankiness I experienced upon leaving the theatre. Besides being a ridiculous hodgepodge of culture, archeological, geographical and historical elements and being pretty dull in plot, the film also triggered one of my major pet peeves: a movie made by men all about men, featuring nothing but men (I'm sorry, two women characters don't count).

Yet when I enumerate the good things about this film I wonder why I'm so annoyed. Here are the good things about the movie:
+Beautifully shot, great art design, nice music
+Features hardly any white people!! *(BUT...)
+The love interest saves herself at the end *
+Great values - loyalty, keeping your word, being brave, stepping up to responsibility, affection between men, banding together in unity makes great things possible *
+Very well done special effects
+No sex or nudity or swearing (how rare is that in a grown up movie??)

I want to add silly escapist fun to that list, but honestly the movie was kind of boring. Very formulaic. We know what's going to happen. Let's get to those Buts:
-There were hardly any white people, or at least plain white faces. However, the two whitest faces were the main man and woman. Perhaps I'm just picking a fight on this point, but I don't think so. There was some legend about a blue eyed woman, blah blah blah, so the main girl wore these horrible blue contacts, making her look vapid since her pupils never changed in size. Not something we think about normally, but try reading a face whose pupils never alter. Weird.

-The love interest/main woman (Evolet) does indeed save herself when she is taken by one of the baddies in the end. Which was great. And she does show strength of character and resourcefulness throughout the film. But the movie isn't about her, even though she's the reason D'let (main guy) goes on this journey. Evolet is a woman to whom things happen. In that regard she is a completely passive woman. Her lines, which are few, consist mainly of "You came back for me" "You left me behind" etc. Pah! The other woman is the main tribal elder, the seer-woman. But she also doesn't DO anything. Again, she is a passive woman to whom visions come. I AM SO BORED WITH THIS FEMALE TROPE.

-The values of the film are great. I wholly support them - for men or for women. Yet repeatedly these values are only demonstrated by men and discussed in male terms. There is a great set of lines where Tik'tik, D'let's mentor and tribal chief, tells D'let that "Every man draws a circle around himself. For most men that involves himself, his woman and his children. Some men draw a larger circle that encompasses his larger family and maybe his tribe. But some men draw an even bigger circle that encompasses even more people." (paraphrased, emphasis mine) I guess women don't need to think about their own boundaries since we're just objects to be won and bred with. Where are the movies showing women acting valiantly, with strength and honor and dedication to a higher cause? Oh, I'm sure they're out there, but let's also clarify this: where are those movies with women embodying those values without being martyrs or at the expense of their male counterparts?

I also think that so many of modern middle class films employ the "band together and rise up against injustice/usurpers!" motif and I am continually confused by this. Do we like this and relate because it reminds us of our early American history? Because we sure as hell ain't banding together to overthrow injustice, tyranny or theocracy today. In the film, the tribal people band together to free their people from slavery at the hands of the greedy, religiously insane proto-Egyptians building their pyramidical symbols of power and largesse. So we root for these tribes - they are in the right! Down with tyranny! But do we connect this kind of injustice with sweat shop labor? Or migrant produce pickers? Or sex trafficking? Or even religious hegemony in our own modern politics? Of course we don't. Do we just live vicariously through these characters? That's my guess. Better to support honor and loyalty and bravery in the face of injustice in fictional characters than have to be those things ourselves.

Ok, I may be taking a silly movie out of context. Sure. Each movie on it's own is fine, but when we have the vast majority of films with this sort of structure, and CERTAINLY the vast majority of films made by men about men for men, I do not think I'm overreacting. [This is where I get shit for loving 300. I do see the irony, the hypocrisy. I still maintain that 300 is camp. I also still have no problem with people liking individual films. Hell, if I hated every misogynist, patriarchal film I'd never like anything. By the way, no comments on 300. I'm looking at you Alizarin!]

As an experiment, I decided to reorder my netflix queue to reflect movies about women (for example, Fellini films about women don't count) or by women - 22 out of 170. I've decided that I need a break from all this maleness. So for some undefined period of time I will only listen to music by women, watch films about women and/or by women, and read books by and/or about women. Depending how long I decide to do this I may have to make an exception in June for the first opera in Wagner's Ring Cycle at the SF Opera. And of course, there's the new Batman film coming out this summer AND the Ironman movie (both movies made by men about men, superheroes no less) starring the immeasurably wonderful Robert Downy Jr. But those I can catch on DVD if need be.

It's not that I hate men, it's that I loathe the patriarchy.

I still love it. It's fantastic. It's CAMP. Conservative camp. alizarin71 says it can't be camp if it's unintended, but I think I have to differ on opinion. In fact, it fits in the same category as Flash Gordon (the 1980 movie). I LOVED this film. It''s been a favorite of mine since I was 7. What's not to love about cartoon characters, Merciless Ming and his sexy temptress Asian hottie daughter, naive "feminist" journalist, blonde superhero football player..... oh it's so great. And a Queen soundtrack to boot! Absolute awesome fun.

Like, 300. Rock-ish soundtrack, cartoon characters and visuals, also based on a cartoon/graphic novel, ridiculous over the top in masculine hoo-ha. It's just sheer absurd fun. And Gerard Butler as Leonides reminds me so much of Brian Blessed playing Prince Vultan in Flash. Bright white teeth and beard and all.

Seeing this movie makes me want to man-up and kick some ass. Energy which I can apply to even my studies. Discipline and focus are positive qualities. It also makes me want to mate. Alas, Adam doesn't come back from New Mexico until tomorrow. And I suppose I am *already* pregnant.


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In other news, I have consumed nearly a whole quart of orange juice today. Oh glorious delicious nectar of the sun gods. AND - I had a prenatal appointment today and I heard the Pea's heartbeat. !!!! It was WAY cooler than I expected it to be. It's alive and responsive! It was squirming away from the doppler sounds.... a good sign.

Yesterday was a horrible day - it was as if a thief came in the night and stole my personality, all of my energy, and any initiative I had ever had. I did manage to muster up some strength to attempt some normality. I did the dishes, lit candles, put on some Christmas carols and made my favorite comfort food (home made mac n cheese). And then watched 2 hours of Scrubs and a special holiday Top Chef, and finished Doctor No, one of my least favorite Bond novels.

Today was a much better day. I did some yoga, read some theology, hung out with pwilk, and saw The Golden Compass with Adam, after which he took me to a vegan restaurant for dinner.

( Golden Compass thoughts below the cut )

Basically, I don't think you'll be visually disappointed with The Golden Compass, but don't be sad if you miss it on the big screen.

I am a mess. Internally. Just cranky as can be. Resentful. Annoyed. And all of that makes me tired and lethargic and I've wasted an hour of my Study Time looking at a bibliography instead of actually reading. Sheesh. This foul mood will pass, thank god, and not quickly enough! I have put most of the books I am looking for on my wish list at BookMooch. But chances are good that no one has any of these. Even used many of these are expensive. The theology ones anyway. I have lots of other fun things on there too.

Externally life is good. Saw Sweeney Todd at the American Conservatory Theatre on Friday and it was awesome. Really worth seeing if you ever get the chance. I loved the crazy staging - everyone is on stage the entire time and the characters play multiple instruments. I liked the creepiness of the show and the flat out craziness of every character. The quality of the singing and acting was quite good too. Sondheim feels much like opera to me. He's a great bridge between modern opera and musical theatre. His scores are hard to sing, not overly melodic, require the audience to think, and there is next to no speaking.

Saw a preview for Rendition last night. The movies stars a host of good actors: Reese Witherspoon (who needs to be my friend - she is an unabashed feminist!), Jake Gyllenhall, Alan Arkin, Meryl Streep. While I agree with the message and politics of the film, and I found the film to be well made, I didn't find it engaging as a film. The pacing didn't suit me, I never got attached to any of the characters because the parts never went very deep, and I thought the ending to be weak and cut off. I have a few other criticisms but I don't want to spoil it for those of you who will see it. Still, it's good to bring this horrible subject to the general publics' attention.

Tonight I have to attend a lecture my boss is giving at the Jewish Community Center in San Francisco. I'm sure it will be very good, as my boss is an incredible teacher and speaker. Every time I hear him present anything - be it grant proposal or classroom lecture- I learn something about eloquence. Still, it's got all this ridiculous politics around it (donors will be there! ooooo!) and that makes me even more annoyed than I already am.

I shall spare you any more of this nonsense.

...finished Sun Tzu's Art of War
...saw Superbad
...read all of Alison Bechdel's Fun Home

I have an audition tomorrow. I don't want to do it. I am not feeling well and I am bored to tears with my audition piece (Mozart's Deh vieni non tardar from the Marriage of Figaro). I realize it's been my audition piece for probably 6 or 8 years. I am overwhelmed and sensitive, and a big chunk of me is hiding, curled up in a ball in the space between the piano and the window. Like the place I used to hide when I was a child because I was the only one small enough to fit. Same piano.

It is these moments when I think that something needs to change. I cannot be overwhelmed like this forever and I am boring myself every time I realize I am exhausted. Some one mentioned today "That seems to be your m.o." Sad, but true. But this fluttery, panicky feeling under the surface takes so much energy to conceal. At this point, though, it takes less energy to conceal than to give in to. I feel like puking, but only on the inside.

It is 10.30 on a Friday night and I shall put myself to bed. Please god, and I will feel better in the morning. More able to face the day that lies ahead.