A Fresh Start

Bennett has inherited Adam's motion sickness. Ugh. We attempted another outing today and B puked again after making distinctive whimpering sounds. Poor bub. We'll have to ask the pharmacist if there is infant dramamine or something.

I hate to say this, because more and more I've been enjoying time spent with my in-laws, but this trip, I've just mostly wanted to be left alone. I like our quiet routine. I don't want any extra hassle. I don't want to have to take others' confusion or needs into consideration. I think this autumn in Wales has driven home just how internally tired I've been. I need a serious Chill Out. It's not that I'm feeling particularly anti-social, I just don't want to be spending 14 hours a day with people not my husband or son.

But tomorrow they leave. I foresee a few days of recovery.

I spent two hours last night draining the washing machine and mopping up dirty diaper laundry water. So now all the towels are wet and of course need to be laundered.

Adam left for London this morning. I have spent the whole morning cleaning up. Bennett is now parked in front of Lilo and Stitch in Spanish, so I can have time to drink tea and chill out. I have also discovered that he will eat if he's watching something. It's a little like feeding a robot, but at least he eats.... right?

Christmas eve was mostly a bust in my book. I was so very very tired all bleeding day. I forgot to get some green veg for dinner and the bakery had run out of breadcrumbs so I decided to try boxed stuffing here (no Stovetop here). It was NASTY. Even doctoring it with bacon and butter and deglazing with white wine could not help it. So you know it was bad! However, my mulled wine was great. Little B has taken to Chacha Big B like velcro.

In fact, this Christmas morning my son is giving me the best gift ever: he has slept for more than hour after I crawled out of bed. I'm still tired as he was snorgling and snoring all night long with a snot-filled nose. But I've had an entire cup of tea, two pieces of toast, and I've read all my internet pages and a whole article - all with out boobie molestation! Merry Christmas indeed!

In half an hour my parents are skyping from Australia. I think it's time to warm up the remainder of the mulled wine. It's not too early. I mean, mulled wine doesn't count because it's warm, right?

I am sick again and losing my voice. I think I'm going to have to abdicate my solo. I'm really really disappointed. I miss singing. If things don't improve I may have to not sing altogether.

STILL SICK. 4th week, 3rd virus. Now manifested in my right ear canal. Possible ear infection? Bennett has a bit of a cold and a blood shot eye. Conjunctivitis? Nothing boobie milk can't cure! I did indeed squirt breast milk into his eye. If it doesn't clear up by Monday we're both going to the doctor.

Today two American friends of ours, Adam's best friend and his wife, are coming to visit us. They now live in London and we're having a makeshift Thanksgiving. Adam is going to make his gourmet turkey sandwiches. Our friends are bringing home made cranberry sauce, and a tofurkey and pumpkin pie from the Wholefoods in London. I'm making mashed potatoes and garlicky salad and stuffing. Speaking of stuffing, all I have are two pounds of breadcrumbs. Can anyone recommend a vegetarian stuffing recipe?

So what am I thankful for? Free health care, an awesome partner, the greatest little boy ever, a warm home, few distractions, peace, the dark, new flannel sheets, friends coming to visit.

Just when I was starting to feel good - no, great! - I am hit with the creeping sick again. I noticed it first in the shower. Sick breath, even after a good toothbrushing, is disgusting. I have it. And now my neck is getting stiff and achy (ouch, ouch!) and my head is beginning to hurt and all I want to do it sleep. I am eating garlic, sleeping 8-10 hours a night, taking vitamins, gargling with salt water, and drinking herbal tea - what more can I do? I guess just adjust, keep resting. But I gotta get back to my work. I've taken 10 days off from school work of anykind. I really, really needed that. I've read a novel. I've not even felt guilty. I think I needed that the most. It's been so hectic for so long that concentrating on deep and meaningful stuff was impossible. But argh. The sick. This is the only time I ever miss a microwave. I want to heat up one of those buckwheat/rice pillows and drape it around my neck. Big sigh.

In other news.... the home health nurse came to our house today. This is nothing like Kaiser's post-NICU nurses. All care for children under 6 are home visits. Hot damn. And I have mentioned, free, haven't I? We got along with our nurse and Bennett was in fine form. He even made a complex sign sentence! He signed "more, please, eat." Yay for communication!

In an hour I am meeting a friend for lunch. W and I met on a ministry program in Ireland 13 years ago. I think it's been 10 or 12 years since I've seen him. I have found memories of driving around Ireland together, being silly. He now lives in Cardigan, Wales, and he's driving over to see me. He's a wonderful person, flaky at keeping in touch, and an evangelical Christian. Last I heard he was planning to visit the Grand Canyon on one of those Creation Tours - where they look at God's marvel that was created only 6,000 years ago. I mean.... what do you say to that? All I can think of is, Huh.

Starting to feel the lack of close friends nearby. This must mean I'm getting settled in. I'm also pretty tired of running so much energy - energy to figure things out, energy to be present with all the change and a little boy who's teething molars and is SUPERHIGHENERGY and must nurse ALLTHEDAMNTIME, energy to sit still for several hours a time and think Deep Thoughts, energy to run more errands, energy to muster self-care.

Most evenings we just sit around and watch tv altogether. We're on a Glee and Avatar kick here. I really want Glee to work its kinks out. There is so very much to love about it, and hot holy shit can they sing. But the writers have bitten off a little bit more than they can chew. We just finished episode 5, so I'm hoping this is just first season kinks. Hope springs eternal.

And what is there to say about Avatar? It may be the perfect tv program. Bennett even has his own hand sign for it. He walks up, makes the sign and points to the computer room. Do you think a stuffed Apa exists? (pauses to google that - why, yes, they do!)

Speaking of spiritual stuff, I sang in chapel with the choir today for the first time. How boring is the Anglican service? Snoozefest. Some of it is really beautiful. I really like the priest, he is sincere and smart and has a wonderful speaking voice. But why must Anglicans be so serious and formal all time? And why do the readers sound like they're reading a dry academic tome? Especially when reading about shouting for joy at the wonders God has made! It was the first time in.... I can't even remember, that I attended a non-Orthodox service. Of course, it's been a long time since I went to church period. I realized sitting there today that I can't even 'translate' the creeds anymore. I am not 'over' Christianity, not by a long shot, but I am certainly no Christian anymore.

I was going to spell out the details, but I just don't have the energy for it. Basically, I'm tired of obstacles and buraucracy and working around the systems. I just want the internet set up and a freaking phone. But one piece is needed for the other which is needed for the next, which makes certain details a complicated circle. It's like a closed system and we can't quite seem to break in.

I'm super pleased that I cooked a dinner in my own home last night (sauteed potatos, mushrooms and onions, green salad with vinaigrette, and fried whiting - hee). But this morning, I'm tired of things being difficult, of running into unforeseen obstacles in trying to accomplish basic daily tasks.

Thank goodness we're not in a truly foreign land. I can't imagine how taxing that would be!

Life feels like a total train wreck these days. Let me enumerate the ways:
*No one at the Univ of Wales, Lampeter, feels the need to return emails
*We still do not have visas, nor a place to live
*Our stuff is everywhere in an already full house
*Santee is a suburban wasteland
*I feel like we're bleeding money
*Adam and I are getting testy with each other
*My wrist is getting better but is still preventing me from normal action
*Bennett is teething, between that and anxiety attacks I am not sleeping well
*Which leads to my brain and attitude not functioning well
*There are other decisions to be made about various things and I just don't have the bandwidth for them
*For example, if we don't get the visas, what the hell do we do? (First thought out of the gate? Anchorage)


And all that leads me to what I'm grateful for these days:
*Airconditioning
*A happy, healthy, delightful, patient kid
*In-laws that do not guilt me or annoy me, that let my family take over their house, and seem to even enjoy it
*Adam's increasing self-employment
*Lots of great tv and movies thanks to Adam's computer skills
*Mindless reading of vampire mystery/romances
*Hot tea with whole milk

While I may have been rather scattered and overwhelmed during the time we began the visa application process, I would like to think that my superior reading skills and ability to finesse details have not been diminished to the point of forgetting to mail in 6 pages of forms. Two weeks after sending in pictures, passports, birth and wedding certificates, letters, bank statements, biometric forms, and school documents, I received a form email stating that the office has all of our items. Listed in there is "a print out of the online application". IF THIS HAD BEEN CLEAR I WOULD HAVE DONE IT. Seriously, the UK doesn't want people to come over. I have never been so confused in my entire life. There are multiple websites and the pages link all over the place and seem to offer unclear and possibly conflicting information. Why do we need to fill out the forms online if we have to send them in anyway?

GAH!

And the next wait is another 10-14 business days. It's the 14th. We're due to leave on the 30th. They have our passports. I could scream. I'm beginning to feel paralyzed with frustration and uncertainty. I don't know whether to cry, lose my mind, beat my head into a wall, or admit defeat right now. Some combination, perhaps?